What Defines Love

Dearest Love,
I refuse to believe it's completely over.  I know I wrote a goodbye letter to you, and I know I gave it to you.. for the sake of reference, here was your reply:

I'm just not the person you have held me up to be. I am flawed. Very, very flawed. I share jokes with your sister, but not because of friendship with her, per se. Mmore because she doesn't put me on any sort of pedestal, and she doesn't have any expectations for me. I'm sorry to have ever caused you pain. I never meant to, nor wanted to. I just haven't known what to say to you, because I didn't want you to think things were going to return to the way they were. And life with my kids recently (esp the special needs) made me realize that I am done having kids, and I seriously doubt if I will ever have more. Stress even started me smoking again recently. So, you see...vert flawed. I'm sorry. Please forgive ME.

This, to me, is ABSOLUTE CRAP.  For months we spent days and nights and early mornings together and you hadn't let your pride get in the way before.  My response to this was admittedly defensive.  Because I don't want to lose you or your friendship obviously!  I did unfriend you though.  My heart was bleeding DAILY.  And I cried my eyes out nightly.  I have never felt a loss as great as this where the pain never seems to subside.  I needed to make a change.  I needed to feel less dependent.  And I know you are especially drawn to that which can stand on their own, those with strength and independence.. something I actually CAN do.  It has been SO hard.  I've heard say though that it may be hard, but it is also worth it.. whatever it is.  I am not nor will I ever be over you, my love.  But as you have done to me so many times, I have .... put you on hold.  I am not done.  And I hope you're not done either.  This is what longing and perseverance and finding someone you can get through the good AND the bad with feels like.  You'll have a choice in the upcoming months when you can see me face to face.  I know that much will happen, because I will make it happen.  I will give you time and I will give you space for now.. two things you asked for in the beginning anyway.  I only hope I'm not too late in giving them to you now.

One thing does perplex me though.  Okay, two things.  You are quite proud of your ability to keep a promise.  Trustworthy.  One promise I wish you hadn't taken back.. was that you said you were perfectly content to be my best friend during that time you would need to wait until I was available for you.  You took back that promise, and you have chosen not to be my friend anymore.  That's why I had to cut ties to you.  You weren't there anymore.  And for me to want to befriend someone who isn't there.. it's depressing.  You were disappearing.  You were not good conversation.. or rather I was not good conversation anymore.  You said you were afraid you didn't know what to say to me even though you knew things were never going to be as they were.  Why is that anyway?  What happened to you that day to make you snap?  It actually makes me angry to think you are ready to give up before you have even given us a chance.  I believe in your dream.  You laid it out to me!  It was your doing that got me thinking.  And it was your friendship that helped me to stand up for what I finally wanted, what I as a human being deserved out of my relationships.  You believed in me.  Well.. I believe in you.  I would do anything for you to prove it.  I have even tried to make myself disappear as well... hoping it's what you want.  Because I don't know what you want.  You don't want me.  That's the impression I get.  But if you MET me... if you got to know who I was without all the technology.. you would see that I am more than an online profile.  I am more than my selfy-shots.  I am more than the races I run or the events and challenges that I tackle.  I .. haha.. was talking about this just last night.  I have worked odd jobs.. jobs not everyone likes.. I take the jobs that are "lower in stature."  Kitchen/food prep.  Customer service.  I LOVED working these jobs!  I didn't make much, but they were tough jobs and I did them well.  I put my heart them.  I was always on time and excelled at every task.  Big fish in those small ponds.  I put my heart into everything I do... no matter how big or small it may be.

I put my whole heart into my relationship with you.  I loved you every day, and I still love you today.  You seem to think you're incredibly flawed.  Who's to say I'm all that un-flawed enough to not be worthy enough for you then?  Or.. how flawed would I have to be for you to be okay with me by your side were that the case?  Do you really think so piously that I am so much more perfect than you?  Who is putting someone on a pedestal now, my love?  Dearest love, would you not take someone who was also flawed, or would you not take someone so "perfect" even though I am not..?  I swear this to you now.. if we were truly lovers caught in a spat and had been confined to a single room and were forced to actually talk things out... I'm sure things would have turned out differently.  Lovers who truly love each other don't leave each other in the middle of a disagreement.  And if they cared enough about each other and had to leave in order to get some air.. they would come back to finish.  If there was truly love in your heart, you would have seen and done this.  So my love... what defines love for you?  Where is the line?  Where does infatuation and attraction end?  And where does love begin?  I care enough about you to want to hold onto you during your struggles.  I want to make those sacrifices with you, and when you are at your lowest, I want to be there so that you are not alone.. even if you believe you are.  That's what love is to me.  

Hopeless .. meaning WITHOUT HOPE. duh.

Dearest love,
Hello! I hadn't written yesterday, but I did think about it.  I haven't been on any social network for the entire week.. well, almost.  Some friends can only reach me via FB, so I've been checking those messages, but other than that my activity has been very minimal.  And there's a reason for this.  I'm too addicted and you don't seem to want me to love you, or ... I don't know anything anymore.  You don't want to talk to me at least.  I think I may try to strike up a conversation tomorrow.  Fingers crossed!  I sent you some bacon.. haha!!  It said someone at your house received it, but you haven't said anything about it.  You probably think it's a ploy to get you to talk to me.  I promise it's not.  I really do wish you well every day.  And ever since I said so I've said a prayer for you every night in earnest.  I love you.  Your heart is closed, and it hurts me.  Every time I see you online it feels like I'm being cut hard and deep, and I don't like to be hurt.  I don't mind waiting, but you said!!!.... you said you'd be content to be my best friend.  You said you were okay with friendship.  This does NOT feel like friendship at ALL!  You came to ME.  You spent all that time convincing ME.  I knew... I always know.. I always end up getting hurt one way or another.  This is why I have to be tough all the time.  This is why I had walls in place.  This is why I didn't want them to be knocked down.  I let you in.  I let you knock them down.  I let it all down.. my guard.. I gave in.  I fell for you.  Every day I tried to express how grateful I was to have someone like you in my life.  Everything about you... I would never take any of it for granted.  Any of it!  I know how it feels to be forgotten, pushed aside.. thought over.. I know how it feels to be ignored.  You're ignoring me now!  And I still want  you.  What does that say about me?  Dear Lord... I am hopeless.  WTH is wrong with me anyway... ?!  ugh.

A Sad Night

To my dearest, the one who holds my heart,
Oh my heart, my sweet love. I cannot believe how sad I am every day.  My happy days are only memories now.  Every night is sealed with tears as I drift into nightmares .. piercing nightmares that only leave me restless when dawn comes.  I am weeping even now.  I feel as though death has shrouded me, like I have been marked and sentenced to ultimate loneliness.  I am undeserving of anyone anymore.  I ... deserve this somehow.  I do not deserve happiness.  And I have every right to cry .. every day, as much as I need.  And although that may sound immature at best, it's the only thing I have anymore.  I have to feel my feelings and not brush them aside or under.  There is no slap of a happy face.  No quick bandage.  No easy fix.  It's been a month since your birthday, and just before then were the beginning of the end of our happy times.  My love, we have no more happy times ahead, do we...?  I think of this often.  If we were somehow to find ourselves together once more at a chance to be intertwined... would I take myself down this path again?  Would I risk feeling this hurt, lost, and alone for I know if I lost you yet again I would not kill myself although the thought has come and gone.  (i still have children)  Even now.. I will not love another.  Better to have loved and lost.. although I understand without pain there can be no pleasure.  Perhaps this is what I deserve for being so unfaithful all those years, for not being true to my heart, for not breaking ties to the one I do not love sooner than I did.  And I know we should have parted ways many years ago.  There is no love in my life now.  My children are only just that.  It is better now if I could feel nothing, if the pain would subside, if I could go numb.  But... I am too passionate to ever be numb.  I find too much glory in the light and the sun and the warmth.  Or at least I used to.  Now everything is only just.. mechanical.  There shall be no more of this.  And when the tears run dry, there will never be another, and no one will be able to break the shell I will have created.  I have never hurt like this before, dear love.  I have never hurt for days upon days that become months.  I have never met anyone who made me so happy and then had the incredible power in one action to take all of it away.  You took my very heart and soul from me.  There are shards still left, silhouettes from shadows I can still make out..memories still fresh, because I cannot let go.  Those few months were the best months I have ever spent with one person in my entire living. I am not yet despairing, for I will not nor will I ever turn my back on God... but I feel like I am cast down and turned away as though I were filth.  No longer cared for by the one I held most dear.

No, the sadness remains.  The tears still run.  The stars do not shine.  And the loneliness birds have made their home in my heart.  Soon they will have laid their stone eggs and I will have no more hope to feel that love anymore.  This is how it feels to be alone... to have nothing left.

Perspective

Dearest Love,
I keep seeing our future, and it doesn't look so bleak.  I worked in my kitchen today preparing bread and cookies so I could deliver them to my friends.  It's a way for me to let them know I want to share what I have with them.  I thought of you and your family as I worked.  I thought of your boys.  They're older than mine.  And together we do make a VERY large family.  Honestly... it doesn't scare me at all.  You have special needs kids, and that doesn't scare me either.  You told me yesterday about how one of your children almost got suspended from school even though there's only one more week to go, because he was caught poking someone else's neck with a pencil.  I always seem to forget you have challenges every day that can't compare even remotely to my own worries.  I came from a large family and I know how easy it can be to accidentally leave someone out, or forget about something, or get wrapped up into life and think it's too much to handle.  I sat on the sidelines in my own family.  I tried not to cause too much grief.  I hardly ever spoke up.  I tried to be happy with what I had, even though the drama and the fireworks were always happening elsewhere.  I grew up kinda homely.. I didn't think I was a very pretty girl, but I know I could develop my talents and try to do good instead of look good or be popular.  Turned out I ended up one of the more popular kids in school because I was always so happy!

I accept challenges.  If I want something badly enough, I know I will do everything I can to get it done.  It's why I keep seeing myself on your doorstep.  Lately that's the image in my head I see the most.  I see myself showing up one day.. unexpectedly.  And I hate that part.. because it's not very courteous, and it's a huge gamble.  What if you were too busy, or not even there!?  I priced out a trip and it would cost me roughly about $800 in plane ticket and $100/day for a room.  I haven't even checked rental cars or food.  But... I know this trip won't be happening .. well.. this year.  Divorce takes at bare minimum 6 months.  Uncontested it should go smoothly especially since we are figuring out how to work out all the division together.  No lawyers.  We are talking about discussing the numbers with a family law facilitator.  And he'd rather I have a decent vocation before he lets me loose, so there has been talking about hanging around until I have at least a degree.  I'm going to be okay.  And I know what I'm doing is what's best.  I don't love him.  I'm appreciating the effort he's putting into not leaving me with nothing.  But it's not going to make any difference whether he stays in the long run or not.  I made a promise to myself.  We're going to get our chance.  You are worth it!

My love.. please don't lose hope.  I told you before.. there are those willing to die for love.  And I am willing to wait and be patient.. for us.  I hope I don't have to die in the name of our love!  But you should know that I would.  I would walk through fire and live in the tundra.. I would sacrifice all that I am for that which I know we could be.  I keep seeing us together, our families.. and okay.. it's crazy.  But we're HAPPY.  You deserve to be happy for all that you've suffered.  You have had a rough life!  And I know.. I KNOW what I want.. and that is to be with you.. to uplift you.. to laugh and cry with you, to be held by you, to become one with you, to sit down together at the end of the day and reflect on all our good and not so good times.. I want you.  Every day.  You're worth it to me.  My eye is on the prize!

I love you.  Thought you should know... :)

That Other "Time of the Month"

We all have a hormonal cycle throughout the month I think.. men and women included. At one end of the month we are completely irrational.. angry, then sad.. at the drop of a hat! Then there is the other side of the month when we are craving only one thing.. sex! And right now, ugh. I am not on the irrational side of my cycle. Which means I am only craving.. well, let's just say it's uncomfortable and so confusing! I close my eyes and he is there. And when I'm with him, we're only doing one thing. And there's lots of smiling.. lots of kissing.. lots of tongue.. lots of touching.. it's my happy place. I'm doing okay with the not-chatting I think. I know why.. or at least, I think I know why he can't talk to me right now. I'd like to think his reasons are justifiable, honorable.. I hope he knows that I know this is how it must be. I hope he knows it's a forgivable offense. I can't wait to jump into his arms, if he'll have me! He played his "words" move yesterday.. which also led me to believe I am not completely blocked out of his life, that he still does tend to think of me, even if it's just a little from time to time, when I'm not all up in his business like the annoying girlfriend I was.

I printed out the separation/dissolution forms today hoping to get the process started. They need to be filed and we need to get the ball rolling already. Ben and I had a discussion last night and I absolutely hate the way he talks to me about any idea I have. He seems to think he needs to know how I'm going to support myself when alimony runs out. It's my belief that he doesn't need to know. And it pisses me off that he is pushing to know. I am not his responsibility! The WAY that he talks to me.. I hated him last night. Hated him.. and wanted to tell him how much I hated him. He can never seem to think any idea I have is a good one let alone good enough. He said he's only heard one or two of my ideas in the past three months. I don't want to talk to him about anything and I certainly don't want to open up to him about anything so of COURSE he doesn't know what plans I have. The way he questions what I want to do makes it seem oppositional.. against.. unapproving. When he talks to me, it's not supportive. The questions he asks are not those that make me feel good about myself or the way I think or what I want to do.. the questions he asks are more like "you want to do this? have you thought about this? how come I haven't heard about this? do you know how you're going to do this?" And to any other person I'm sure they would sound innocent enough but to me, when he asks them it seems like he just wants to control my future, my plans.. like he wants to make sure I'm still dependent on him. He wants to live close to his kids but if I'm going to get a profession I'm going to need education since my vocational skills were put on hold while I raised my family.. and am still raising them! Today I gave an idea of me moving in with mom and going to chico state. he might not like it, but I am not going to depend on his family for support. I AM thinking about things. I WILL get out from under his control. I may not have all the answers, but dammit.. I'm done here.

Ugh. Just.. ugh.

Going to keep this one short today, because i don't want to dwell in unhappy situations. I could NOT get to sleep last night! And I wasn't tossing or turning. My legs weren't jittery. My brain could not turn off. I did try to read, and that did help. I saw an updated picture of your beautiful and stunning face and now I am listless. All I can think about is kissing you! I daydream about it while I'm driving. I think of your long skinny fingers running up and down my arms, giving me goosebumps. I think about you whispering dirty things in my ears and making me shudder at every thought. I think about your soft lips against your gristly beard. I think about touching your face.. that beard, your dark hair.. and I sigh. Because not only do I really get lost in those moments.. it makes me .. uncomfortable. Because of course my mind goes elsewhere! I would LOVE to just wrap my arms and legs around you! And I love every thought that puts your hands on my body.. somewhere.. everywhere! I am completely hopeless at trying to restrain my thoughts. Yesterday I was lead to hope again, small as it might be. I told you how great a smile you truly have. And I believe this with all my heart. I think I have opened that picture a dozen times now and stared at it. Yes, I have issues. And I think about living in a cool climate year round, trudging in the snow, being able to wear a sweatshirt during every month. I love sweatshirts and cool weather. I'm not sure how I will fare without my sunshine.. but at this point I am dying to find out. I am excited at the thought.. me! Excited to live in the snow! Yuck! But it's where you are. And after I told you how great your smile was, you didn't seem put off. In fact, you finally played your new words game with me after I had asked to start it 4 days ago. I need to cool off before I play my turn I think. You gave me all of like three lines of communication yesterday and I'm flying high off of it. "Thanks :)" was one. Ha!! I'm going nutty over a THANKS! WTH is WRONG with me!? So yeah.. gonna wait to take my turn I think. So that I stop acting like an idiot! That movie "Hitch" with Will Smith where he's like a tutor for dudes who fail on dates.. and then he meets a girl he likes and does the same stupid stuff.. not being able to control his talking or walking or any movements ... just not being smooth at all! That's how I feel! Completely stupid! I'm smarter than this... I need to ... back it off maybe. I am glowing with desperation! So .. ugh. I'll figure out how to get a hold of myself.. maybe...

btw, completely in love still. <3 -if you couldn't tell... ;-)

Tough Cookie

Tuesday.
I'm in a weird mood today. I've had time to think. I slept on the couch last night. I am tired of being sad, but I think I still have many sad days yet to come. Today is a sad day. I don't know how to feel about anything. I know I'm really despising Ben right now. I really wish he would not come home anymore.

The thought I've had today is .. all of my sadness that I'm feeling will eventually turn into me putting up walls again. And I won't want to let anyone in. I don't like being hurt so much all the time. I was hurt daily by the one who was supposed to be my best friend. And now he's wondering why he can't be forgiven even thought I've "asked for forgiveness" even thought I don't recall asking. And the person who has been my best friend says no more than 5 words to me at a time every 4th day or so. So what's happened now.. is that I feel alienated and more alone than ever. And I would rather keep my eyes low and not have to deal with new people or smiles or .. any of it. I want nothing new anymore. It's not that I don't want to feel because I am not afraid of my feelings. I accept that this is a sad time. But what it's doing is making me more independent. I can only trust myself. Because in the end I am the only one who can make me be happy. And that's what we all want, right? I am dealing with the daily sadness. Kinda sucks that its affecting my workout performance. I have never not wanted to run no matter what pain my legs would be in. And now I can't even focus on the return after I'm done running.. the part of running that rocks the most. I am down in a pit. And all I have is myself and my beautiful children and the schedules they keep and the successes they feel, the places they need to be and the friends they make and the activities they do. They are my focus. I talked to a friend today and told her about my situation with Ben. She relayed a story about another of her friends who had gone through divorce, how on weekends where she doesn't have her kids she would go and see her boyfriend in Morgan Hill. Boyfriend... significant other? Someone to be with me.. who would want to be with a single mom with 4 children?! I'm going to have an identity back, and I'll get through it all. But seriously.. I'm not going to be in any shape to date or be dated or affectionately admired for quite some time. And that thought occurred to me today. That's what I have to go through now, and I am gladly going to go through it all if it means I do not have to put up a front and lie to myself and to Ben anymore. I can't stay with him. My heart says no. My heart has said no for years. And my head says I can do this. One step at a time, I'm strong and I will find my way. But... today is a sad day for me. Today I wish I had a friend to talk to again. But.. it is what it is.

Monday -just another day

Dearest Love,
Hello again friend! Today is a bright and sunny morning in the bay area of CA! I was able to run a mile this morning before spin class and do it comfortably without too much fatigue.. in 8:40! I was happy to have that accomplishment. I got out and ran 4.2 yesterday at a very slow average pace of 9:50. I am resolved to drink less caffeine so that I can feel more of the effects of my 5hr energy when I take it for running. I think having that boost is more important than chugging whatever I want during the day. And since I'm resolved.. by golly I'm going to do it!

I learned this morning that a friend of mine has recently and unexpectedly died leaving behind a husband and two darling daughters. I knew this woman and tried not to face the reality that it was in fact her. I met her at spin class years ago. I discovered her children went to the same school as my children, and last year or the year before her children signed up for the same swim team as our family. I think when someone passes away it gives the rest of us a chance to really reflect on the most important things in life and to make sure we aren't taking them for granted. I did think of you this morning and all this time I seem to be wasting not telling you every single day how much I love you and how much better you've made me. I would think you'd appreciate the sentiment however... I am afraid that every time I do I offend you and you are the last person I ever want to offend. So I am restraining myself. I wish i could say that I'm living life to the fullest, that I'm taking every opportunity at being someone great and respectful, honest and virtuous. I am incomplete though. I am a good person all by myself. I do great things. I am disciplined. I get the job done. I ask for help when I need help. I want to aspire! I know there are better things.. more things to know about, more books to read, more skills to acquire.. but I think importantly there are people to love. And there are those people out there who might share love with you and make you a better person by sharing that feeling.

You had mentioned living alone as a hermit for the rest of your days as your boys have grown and become more independent. I think this is not the way life should be lived. I think we were created so that we could bond together and instinctively love one another. And how can you love someone when you live alone? We were not meant to be alone. I think our divine purpose is to be together and learn from each other and LOVE. I think when we care about each other and let each other know, it makes us happier and if we are happier.. I think that makes us better people. I still agree that we are not two halves that make a whole. I think we are more like 1+1=awesome. And I still believe we could be awesome.

Today I have to get to Costco. My phone keeps crapping out on me! It's not faring so well with damp conditions IE I keep tucking it into my sport bra when I run and it may be damaging it more than I want to acknowledge. I also am wondering today.. if there are any customer service positions I could do at home to make a little extra $$. I wonder where I could even research that and not be scammed. Things to think about ... hmmm. I have packed on a few lbs and I'm not happy about it, so I'm going to try and be better this week. And by better I mean more water, fewer white breads/unnecessary sugars, smaller quantities all around. Also.. I think I need to keep playing piano since I was released from my organist position in the church. I think having done it every Sunday has helped keep my technique for legato strong.. and I don't want to falter. Gotta keep my skills sharpened! Other than these things.. and laundry to fold, carpets to vacuum.. life is kinda mellow today.

I hope your weekend went well. Yesterday -Mother's Day- came and went. I had my egg white breakfast with cocoa, did some reading, didn't do any folding, cut up fruit and enjoyed having my family over for a birthday visit. I played tetris with Mark .. something I haven't done forever and oh, how I've missed it. He and Dawnette will be leaving for Irvine soon, and they'll be gone for at least a year. They leave within a month I believe. Sad! Life moves on. And I'm glad we are family. I will always keep them close. Like I wish I could be with you.. but you are to me anyway. I keep you close to my heart and wish and hope for better days. I thought when spring came it would bring you out of your "winter cave.." And even then I don't think I appreciated enough the time I spent with you however hard I did try. I tried to let you know how much you meant to me every day. I miss those days. Thank you for giving them to me! I love you and I wish you well, dear friend.

I Would Give It All Up

Penny for my thoughts I know, since I have so many and they all seem to revolve around the same thing..

I'm going to do a very bold and perhaps un-wise thing tonight.. I'm going to send you a message. And it may prove how unrequited this really is, but at this point I feel like you are already lost so.. what else have I got to lose? I have seriously never felt this way ever. I'm hopefully going to keep today's post short because even I am getting sick of reading and writing the same damn thing, but.. I've never cried into my pillow every night for one person. Before you came along I never had a friend who gave so much of their time to me. I never felt so selfish with anyone or wanted to be that selfish with anyone. I never wanted to be more truthful or faithful to any one person. I have only ever competed with myself for greatness, but since I've known you I've wanted to be even better.

I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to include in my message to you. I know I want to tell you I love you. That you are not lost to me, that I realize I may love you without reciprocation. I want to tell you how important you are, how someone out there still cares for you. I want you to know it was definitely not for nothing! My process right now takes time and it is frustrating to me, but I'm getting through it. I remember we joked about thinking we wanted to make things official within the space of 4-5 years.. I am thinking of it as speeding the process, and this way it'll give me more time to save my pennies before I make my northern trek. No, I don't think I want to mention that part. I don't want to offend you so I don't know what you'll think of as repulse you. I don't understand how you could feel so strongly for me and then completely against me within the space of days. My necklace -your trophy and mark of a true sniper shot- is still my number 1 possession. And I still hold onto it before I go to sleep each night. It's my security. And it's so small.. but nothing else has ever meant so much, not even my engagement or wedding ring. I hate ever having to take it off. So I try not to!

Your current profile picture is your dime.. and my hand holding it. And your cover photo is a beautiful snowy evergreen... both of which are my favorite things/pictures. I know I've said I'm scared to death of sub-freezing temperatures. I'm more afraid of never being close to you ever again. I would give up ever going to Disneyland ever again. I would give up my sunny California. I would give up seeing my family regularly. I would give it all up for you. When I think about the things that make life comfortable.. livable.. things I don't think I could live without.. (because I have thought on this a lot!) nothing means more to me than what I had with you. The way we were is the way it should be between two people. Complete honesty, trust, friendship. It may not have seemed to you like I trusted you .. but I did. And I still do. I have to be honest with my heart now. I don't want to live this way. I don't want to stay married to someone I haven't loved. How could you want me to stay like this anyway? I don't know why you're upset with me still. I don't know why we can't be good friends. I don't know why you're upset with me, closed off to me all the time. I have theories. But for now that's all they are.

I love you. I'd tell you every day if I could. Incredibly.. sincerely, and completely.

Back to the Beginning

Dearest Love,
I know for me at least these are hard times. I like to think I know why, and it stems back from the beginning, my favorite verse written by you! I've had many discussions with myself (since I have no one else to talk these things out with) and it may have taken me a while, but I think I have some theories. Your famous verse.. for reference I'll include it here:

You're still beautiful. Now that I've cooled down some...whew. Im sorry for allowing things [to get] out of hand last night. I've come to cherish you. I enjoy our chats and love our friendship. I don't know if I could live with myself, however, if I somehow contributed to the end of your marriage. I will be here for you, always! But I don't want to be the cause. If things don't work out...I want you for myself. Im kinda selfish, I guess. You are a very desirable woman. I could see myself happy with you. Especially if we were there to lift each other up and encourage one another. I look at you and want to better myself. I know that with you beside me...wow. I could take on anything and win. But if that is to be, I want it to be the beginning of something beautiful, and not as the end of something bad. If that makes sense. I know the difference between right and wrong. And I think you'd rather I be the kind of person who does right by you. I don't EVER want to do wrong to you. Isn't that what you'd want for us? I think it is. Don't be upset, sad or unhappy. Please? You want to be with a man of honor, right? That'd what I want to be. I'm not going anywhere, and if things work out the way I know *I* want them to...you are so worth waiting for. I can wait for 10 years for an extraordinary woman like you, if necessary. I've never met a woman I would say that of before. I am so content to be your best friend until that day comes. Noone else is worth that to me. Nobody but you. Im getting drowsy now...please don't go away...let me know how you think of all this...we want to do things the right way, don't we?
But ultimately, because you are the married one, that decision is yours. I know what I want. And I feel like a selfish @$$#ole for it. But only you can decide how you want things to go.
Happily yours and waiting if you want me

I like to believe you are a standing foundation, someone who is strong and steadfast to the winds of change, someone who thinks only one way and doesn't ever waver. When I first read this I was giddy with pride, beaming at your compliments of beauty and love and admiration. But this verse has so many levels of understanding! I believe in this person. And I don't want to do wrong to him the way I feel I have. And that's just been in my recent thinking.. because I'm selfish and sometimes petty and need different points of view if I'm to understand someone else's perception. I've had to figure things out on my own .. and it hasn't been easy. But what I've heard say is: they never said it would be easy. They only said it'd be worth it. And the love I've felt is worth waiting for, worth fighting for.

Some things I've learned after taking a look at them from a different light..

I want it to be the beginning of something beautiful, and not as the end of something bad.

What I'm going through now, with my ending marriage, is something I have to do on my own. And I know you didn't want to be the cause. You don't want me to leave my husband solely for you. I will proclaim to my dying day that I am not leaving my husband for anyone but my own accords. My marriage has been failing for over half a decade. We don't listen to each other. We're not patient enough. We walk away too easily. We don't think enough about each other's feelings... meaning we're not sensitive enough. We haven't worked out. I've been living a fake life with my fake marriage pretending it will work out eventually.. but .. I never wanted to try and figure out what that was, only that it wasn't anything good. So I'm finally being honest... to myself and to him. He knows it's true. He's actually trying to make changes. He sees how incredible I am and what a loss it would be to him if I were no longer a part of his life. The truth is we haven't been successful as friends or lovers. We haven't trusted one another. We haven't leaned on one another. We haven't strengthened each other. I don't learn from him. I'm not inspired by him to serve him or to love. All these things though I feel in you. I know now that what I should have had all along.. what comes from dreams is what we could have if we were allowed to flourish.

I know the difference between right and wrong. And I think you'd rather I be the kind of person who does right by you.

You want to be with a man of honor, right? That'd what I want to be. I'm not going anywhere, and if things work out the way I know *I* want them to...you are so worth waiting for.

I also know the difference between right and wrong. I know what it's like to hurt and be hurt. I want to be sensitive to the needs of those I love. What I know, what I've learned is that you are incredibly honorable. I keep thinking about the last line.. about you being a selfish @$$#ole.. and there have been times when I've wondered what happened to that selfishness. Take me now already! But really.. the more important side of you, the side I am completely swept by.. the part that holds my heart captive is this honorable man I don't even feel worthy of to be around! And you were attracted to ME?! Your honor is what you take most pride in. I recall joking about you not telling me my friends would be moving closer to you which would have made it easier for me to do the same when the time called. You took offense. Seriously. And it broke my heart to think I had taken your vow of honor lightly. I never want to take lightly the things you hold sacred ever again. So when you say you are true and honest and have virtue.. I hold you to it. Because these things are more than a promise to yourself and to others. They are second nature to you. You've made them part of your character. While I'm entirely thankful to heaven for sending you to me, I'm also thankful you're not being the selfish @$$#ole you think you are but instead are showing respect and honor .. at least, this is what I've concluded from what I've learned. You've tried to teach all these things to me. I hope that I'm learning more now. This is what I want.. eventually. But first things first.

You are not a part of my upcoming divorce, my love. At all. And I feel like I know a little more about why you need all this space and distance. I've needed to talk it out somewhere and have had no where to turn. My blog now is the best I've got.. You're trying not to be a part of 'my drama' as much as possible. You ARE that honorable man. And you want to do things the right way and not the home-wrecking way. I can't read your mind or know what you're thinking. And since you're a guy you don't want to sit around and talk about your feelings. I'm going to stop feeling sorry for myself and for us, and I'm going to stop wondering where our relationship/best-friendship went. I'm going to finish what I started here before I can move onto .. whatever comes afterward. I know it's the right thing to do. If your're still "Happily mine and waiting if I want you.." .. then I suppose we'll already have a head's start when we are actually able to have that relationship again... the right way. I know no one else has made me happier in my mind or in my heart than you. I never had such an amazing best friend in all my life. I thought I could only count on myself until you brightened my life, as corny as that sounds. I have the conviction that says you're it.. you're the last person I'll ever want to hold hands with or watch the stars with.. I may have not been so honorable, but now I have that conviction. I haven't wanted to stay faithful in my marriage because I haven't felt that conviction .. for so long now. I forgot what it was supposed to feel like to want to be honest and true to one person and one person only. I have never even seen your face with my own eyes, but I KNOW. You are where I want to be. I have hopes and dreams of so many better tomorrows. I know the best things come line upon line, precept upon precept. I know you have tried to drill patience into me every day. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me. And I want to make sure I return the good you've done toward me by doing what I need to do here.. before I go and do anything else. It's more than just keeping me safe.. it's everything in turn.

My Resume

I know I already posted today. I have had many thoughts and have become inspired to write them down. I think of you always, so to me it is natural. Until deemed crazy..

I want to explain why I think I would be a good candidate for your life partner. I think we still don't know enough about each other to really know what makes us tick. I think we've had a small taste, and I think so many good things are yet to come. I am a naturally happy person all on my own. I have always been this way. I am independent to a fault. I know that if I can rely on anyone it's myself. I trust myself completely. I know I can get any job done because I know I am the type of person with the determination to finish whatever I start.

I am compassionate. I love my children. I love reading to them. Right now I'm reading "A Tale of Two Cities" to Tyler. I've never read it and was delighted when he showed interest. So we're reading it together. I read to Jonah every night until he reached about 1st or 2nd grade.. when he could read on his own. I am responsible. I am the one who picks them up and drops them off for school and swimming, and I'm at every swim meet cheering them on and yelling until I lose my voice. I'll make an idiot of myself! Carting all the kids to swim meets is actually quite a hassle, but I've done it because I know they love it. It's not about me. I like to think I have selfless qualities. I came to my friends' need in the middle of the night.. she had to take her husband to the ER and I stayed on her couch and watched over her children. I bring meals to friends after they've had babies and need a break. I plan on doing the same for Risa when she has her baby.

I am honest and true. I am obedient. I show my respect. I have an open heart and an open mind. I know how to listen. I care deeply for those who are close to me. I push myself beyond my limits. When it comes to others I would lay my life on the line. I would do for them what they couldn't do for themselves. I am always desiring to learn. I am not a fast reader, but I believe it's because I have too colorful an imagination. When I read I need to see everything I'm reading.. and I look at everything there is to see. I take delight in every little thing, because I believe when we reflect on the big things in life, they were really just the little things at the time. I am certain I was born with the nature to nurture. When I was 11 my youngest brother was born and I took care of him, watched over him.. changed his diaper, gave him his bottle, put him down for a nap, rocked him to sleep. I was not the pretty girl or the popular girl as I grew. My sisters were the real beauties of the family, so I decided to develop my talents instead. I learned to bake, and I practiced piano. I crocheted. I was boring! But these skills prove useful to me now, because they helped build who I am today. And I am proud of who I am. I care. I feel. I cry. I sing and I dance. I take time out for myself. I am passionate! I put my whole heart into everything I do. I like when things look nice and orderly. I can't stand it when I smell something foul. I would rather err on the side of caution, which is why I take it slowly when I bike downhill. Ah, but I do love to fly when I am confident enough to pick up some speed.

I have endearing qualities.. I know I could be a huge asset. I don't normally complain. I can hold my own. I look at things logically, and I am slow to anger. I am not physically aggressive.. in fact, I am not really verbally aggressive either. I try not to curse and when I do i try not to do it in front of children. I have manners and I use them. I listen when others are speaking, and when I need to I raise my hand when I want to speak. I don't back away when issues need a resolution. I fight for what I believe in. I believe family values and game nights are essential. I believe self worth is more important than self image. I believe developing talents and skills are more important than developing better skin tone or softer, shinier hair. I believe in living in analog lifestyle opposed to one surrounded by the digital arena. I believe in a healthy and diverse education. I love to indulge in a good fantasy book or romance novel.. hopefully one without a lot of smut. I hope my children will learn values are more important than peer approval. I hope they see their successes and build upon them. I hope that where they are weak they will not get down on themselves. I hope my children will teach their children the more important things in life. I hope they go to church.

I believe in taking hikes once in a while. I definitely believe in waterfalls and rainbows. I believe dreams are essential. I also believe hard work pays off. I believe it's good to play dress up once in a while. I believe in movie night. And I believe pizza goes with movie night. I believe in hot summer nights and popcicles and laughing at babies while they make a mess of it.. and the 4th of July with fireworks and sparklers and The Stars and Stripes Forever, barbequed hot dogs and tables full of pot luck dishes, kids riding bikes in the street and neighbors getting up into each other's business. Slip n Slides and sleepovers.. and then.. I love when the seasons change.

Autumn is my favorite of course. It's the time of year when summer ends and the world starts to cool off. We can start wearing sweaters and scarves again, and the rain comes. People start lighting fires in their fireplaces and the smell of burning wafts in the air. Fields are harvested, gourds are a-plenty.. and salads are no more! The world is at its most beautiful and natural decoration .. when the leaves turn! ...with reds and golds and browns and yellows and oranges lining every street. The sun sets earlier and it's darker for longer. Where I live the fog starts to come in. Running is surely more comfortable. School starts up again, and the house is more quiet. Preparations are made for upcoming holidays. Autumn is that time of year when I reflect the most on what I love about life. I can make my cocoa with mini marshmallows, and I bake more because the smell is so rich and welcoming, and I love it when I can share those goods with friends and family. I love taking walks in the autumn time. The breezes are cooler. We have a purpose in life again after a fun-filled summer. Work carries on. It's a time for growing up and growing closer, holding those we love a little tighter, noticing those little things and keeping them in our hearts a little longer.

So.. I'm a fun loving girl. I'm nice, too. I care about others. I take care of those that I love. I love what I do and I have a passion for those little things in life. I notice them. I'm romantic. I want to live smart, not unhappily, not rich.. not glamorously. I want to sing and dance my own way. And if I'm judged then I'm judged. I try not to get down on myself and I definitely don't get down on others. Family is important. But getting trampled on is not okay.

See me. Please. I've always been who I am. I just know more today than I did. My character will always be .. me :-) And I'll love you for always.

Love Unrequited

Dearest Love,
Today was race day! I can't get over the fact that my body is so retarded.. every time I run a half marathon my legs cramp! It never happens during training.. granted I hardly ever run 13 miles during training. I suppose if I really wanted to get better at these I would increase my mileage so my body would be more prepared. Lately I've been tired and admittedly depressed. I cried last night. I lost you, and it's affecting the way I do everything. I'm tired and unmotivated. I'm trying every day to defeat the sorrow. It isn't easy.

I wish I could earn back your trust somehow. I want to be true to my heart, and my heart lies with you. I want so badly.. for so many things. I wish you could see me again. I wish you could see that I am different, that I am willing to sacrifice. I never wanted to be the cause of your sorrow, and yet.. I don't even know if you feel any sorrow. Do you still care for me at all? I wish I could know.. I wish you would talk to me, and I wish we could be free to be at least friends once more. I can only make assumptions. Waiting is the best I can do right now, because I don't want to be burdensome and I definitely don't want to add undue pressure. None of this was your fault, and you know that. Yes, you were right. You're always right. And because of it I feel like I now I have to pay the ultimate price.. by not having you by my side anymore and not knowing what I can do to ease your pain.. if there is any. I wish you could really know that I meant no harm. I don't know how to get you back if I can get you back at all. I will find myself nearer to you when all is done, so if anything we'll be neighbors. I am determined to get there and I know I can make at least that much happen. I want you to see who I am. I'm not the horrible person you may think I am for seemingly having allowed myself to get caught.

I think of you so often. I can't let you go. I don't want to let you go, and I hope I never have to let you go. It hurts my heart every day not to have you near me. I can only think selfishly at this point, because ... because you aren't letting me in. You have your reasons, and again I can only assume what they are. I have done my best to commit every picture I have seem of you to memory. And I try not to dwell on your online pictures. This kind of love cannot be healthy. Love unrequited is .. surely something to laugh at looking from the outside. I must seem truly pathetic to be hitching all my stars to this wagon. But I know it was once there. And I know that my heart is lost. I know it WAS there. I don't know what the future will hold. I have a dream though.. it's the same dream we had together. My suffering now by being without your attention and affection is worth it if I can have even a chance to get it again when the timing is .. better. We had 5 1/2 months to develop our friendship and I have come to care for you so strongly. I would still fly to you at your request, if you requested it even now.. especially even now. I told you once that you had me bewitched.. this is still true. The love I once had for you still glows within my countenance. It's given me so much strength and confidence .. even now after you're gone it's still holding strong to me, your words -what I remember anyway- still uplift and encourage me. You wished our flare would never die or fizzle. It hasn't in me. I will bide my time. I hope .. I hope you will see me once again.. I hope you will know, I never stopped loving you.

A Reason to be Angry

I had to get this out.

Last night we had a talk, and I became emotional. Everything he said was everything I ever wanted. And I got so angry! Everything I ever wanted and NOW ... now, after I have called it quits. Now he is truly treating me like his queen.. now, after I have already gone is he saying he wants that friendship, that connection, that ultimate trust and communication.. if it offends him or not. Everything I've learned I know I deserve, everything I've been taught, every complaint I made and was instructed on how to get my solution.. Last night he offered almost to exactness everything I was already offered by my love. And it made me so angry! It also made me incredibly sad, because I miss my love. Every day I miss my love, and I can still hear his voice lulling me into submission. I still remember all his words as if they were written in stone. Every plea he ever made, every compliment he ever offered, every lesson he ever taught and every time he gave advice.. everything about him is what I've come to know as the best anyone could ever want beyond desire. And right there before me my other person was finally giving this up to me. How angry am I?! Too emotionally overloaded ... not only has it come too late but its having impossible affects. If my head and my heart were in a different place it would make more sense and I would welcome it openly, faithfully and willingly. But because I am changed, because I am strengthened, because I am free from his ignorance and neglect.. it means less than nothing.

*whew*

Keep Me Safe

Dearest Love,
I have no where else to go. How do I talk to you? How can I talk to anyone about you? And how can I continue to suppress what I am feeling naturally? You came to me in my dark hour. You led me to trust you even though I was skeptic. I trust you still. Even now, blindly. I am nervous to open my heart because trusting someone is a risky thing, and I am always afraid you'll go away and I'll never see you again, and then where would that leave me? You patched my heart and made me whole. And not only that but you made me even stronger. I was no longer alone. And I was okay being alone. I had accepted that was all I had, all that was left. But you came to me. And I didn't know it, but I needed you. All that I want is for us to go back to the way we were, growing together.. when you needed me and it was okay for me to need you.. when we could talk to each other openly.. when you wanted me and I felt special, important.. I feel like this is the ultimate test of patience now. Patience and faith.. and trust. I am trusting in us. I believe in your dream. I believe you when you say I am worth waiting for and I hope that you believe you are also worth the wait. You are worth waiting a lifetime over. I will never forget your profession. I will never forget the way you made me feel, like I was the brightest star, as beautiful as the aurora. Your words have been etched into my heart and I am completely locked on it. I never believed in long distance relationships. I always felt there always needed to be touch, sight.. associated with any connection. You have proved this to be untrue. I have more faith in you and in us -almost more than in my religion. Only your word could stop me from loving you. Because I can't and I won't. I believe in you, and I want to build life with you. I want to laugh and cry and grow old together with you.

I feel like I'm walking in darkness now, and I can't see any light anywhere. I love you now more than anything. But I can't tell you, because you won't accept me, and I hope it's because you're only trying to keep me safe. I don't know where your heart is. I am not afraid. I am not afraid because now I know someone like you is out there, and even if you don't want me I know you once did, and your love, your expression of love exists. So even if it doesn't exist for me I know it's not just a fantasy. I'll get there again someday. And I look forward to that day.. but right now I am not afraid of what's to come. You gave me strength and hope and helped me to see that I am capable of making my own dreams come true.

I dreamed today. It's the same dream, and it's the best dream. My happy place. It's with you.

I was in darkness until I reached out my hand and you were there. I saw your face. I touched your face, and I could feel your smile on your cheeks through my hand. I smiled back at you. No words were exchanged. Your face felt a little rough from stubble, but your eyes were so familiar, warm.. brown, and smiling. I touched your lips with my fingers and bit my own lower lip subconsciously. I looked then at your mouth as I brushed it with my thumb. I took a step closer. I moved my hand back to your cheek and up past your ear through your dark hair. You closed your eyes. I moved ever closer where you could feel my breath on your neck. I didn't kiss you then, but I did brush my lips up against your skin. I want to kiss you, but I don't want to be too forward. It's so hard for me to contain myself around you.. I would be your slave if you let me. But that's now how you work. And that's not really how it should work anyway. This is a quiet moment for me.. for us. It's that moment in between unbridled passion and curiosity, between knowing and not knowing. This is a moment I have re-lived every day, sometimes many times a day now since the moment I realized I wanted you and only you. I dream of us laying down together, looking at one another, holding each other in our gazes .. and smiling peacefully. I dream of your arms around me, of you touching my skin.. I dream of feeding into all your desires and taking in some of my own. I dream of our legs intertwined, my giggling, your gentle caress. Sometimes I think I can feel it when you kiss my forehead, and sometimes I can sense that you're smelling my hair and committing that smell to memory. When I see you looking at me my heart stutters.. and when I can feel you coming toward me with hungry eyes it makes me want to smile so wickedly.

My feelings for you, my love, have intensified -if that's at all possible! You have not given me reason to think you are completely done with me, and sometimes I wish you could tell me pointedly that you are, because I am suffering to tell you these things when I know that I can't. I care more for you and feel more deeply for you than I have for anyone. I would wait for you for as long as it takes. I am waiting for you even now. You are worth so much to me. I would live the life of a pauper if it meant I could have you forever. I'm hopelessly and impossibly in love with only you. For always.

The Fight of Fights

Life is a continuous learning process. And we should all actively be searching out that which we don't know whether to uplift us, enlighten us, encourage us, inspire us, or educate us. Because knowledge is power. How do we pertain this to our relationships..?

You could say I gave up. You could also say I'm fighting. I think, however, the fight that I'm fighting is not the fight I want to fight although I knew the day would come. Now I simply want to be on the "other side" where all has been said and there is nothing left to say and everyone can move on uninhibited without malice. In my current relationship I've always been a better listener than a contributor and think this may be because I couldn't really put forth anything substantial to the conversation. The topic wouldn't interest me enough. (I FREQUENTLY change subjects/topics even when I'm the only one talking.. I find I am easily bored when I don't have all the answers and can shift gears at light speed. drives peers crazy..) Listening is how I got myself into this mess. All I did while we were courting was listen. I'd sit for hours .. endless hours!!... just listening to him rambling on and on and on. What was he talking about? Beat's me. But he needed someone to not talk, but instead he needed for someone to just listen. I've always been a giver and I was able to give him what he needed. I did not think highly of myself At the time nor my abilities. I didn't think I had a high approval rating, so I took what I could get. I wasn't picky. And if someone wanted my attention and kept asking for my attention and couldn't get enough of my attention, I took it and ran. Things have most definitely changed. Now I'm finally asking myself what it is I really want, and what I think I deserve. I'm not saying I'm entitled. But I think I know enough about what we all deserve in a relationship and that's at the very least to treat each other decently.

We live together and have lived together for 12 1/2 years. We don't talk much. Most of our talking -if we really want to get something out- is electronically. Frustrating! People shouldn't have to live this way! Yes, I am a woman. Yes, sometimes I have issues. No, that doesn't mean you can walk away whenever I get angry. How many times have I said you shouldn't take it personally..? Of course I can do it on my own.. but we're supposed to do things together. And apparently I've said these things enough times and you don't want to hear it anymore. But now... now you're listening. When I've done all I could and said all I needed to say and want you out.. now you finally start talking and listening and now.. now you want to work together. Now you're no longer walking away. Right when I'm walking away.

I've come to terms with how I feel. I'm finally being honest. And when I say I no longer have the desire to stay faithful, I mean it. I look at you and I see the way you look at me and I just want to run away. Whenever you touch me I shudder out of fear for what's to come. I know you want to be intimate. You know I don't. Yet you still want it anyway. And you'll take it if I'm willing to give it, never minding that I feel violated, my feelings completely tossed aside. I have closed my eyes many times and wished for it all to be over quickly. I have forced myself to touch you in ways that make me nauseous so as to not bruise or wound your ego. You've spent many nights feeling satisfied because I gave in. Do you even know what it was I gave? Dignity. Something you should have never taken. But you take it from me anyway. And I don't want to give it to you anymore. Because I am not yours. My heart does not belong to you. You haven't had my heart for so long now and you don't even know, you don't even see. You only see what you think you should see, and you are afraid. You are afraid because you know I'm gone but you can't admit to it. How can I possibly not want you anymore? How could you possibly walk away from me time after time after time? And then ask me to touch you?!

I have learned through-out this mess that I should always speak up. Especially when someone I care about starts to walk away. If I don't speak up and I let them walk away.. if they walk away no longer caring, what is that worth to me? When I say it's too late.. I mean that it really is too late. He's talked about "starting fresh" or "starting over" but to me there is no starting over with him. In order for me to start over I'd have to first be attracted to him which I'm not. I'd have to have some kind of draw or interest and the only thing that interests me about him are our children. So while he's fighting for his life over in his corner begging for me to stay, I'm over in my corner waiting out the sentence. I don't want to live this way anymore, and I shouldn't have to. And by living this way I mean waking up one morning in crisis as the only way to make any significant change. Something else and someone else had to open his eyes. He couldn't/wouldn't see it on his own. It should not have had to come to this to make us both happy. I'll be happy when it's done. I'll be even more happy when he can move on.

Dangerous Love

Rambling. That's what I feel like doing right now.

For years it seemed I was beginning to transform into someone new, someone amazing.. someone everyone envied. I am driven and motivated. I love to inspire and be inspired. I love looking out on the day and thinking to myself all the wonderful things I can accomplish. This is nothing new. I've almost always been optimistic. I found being happy was a choice, and that given any circumstance I could look on it positively and always find myself out on top. Until it came to my marriage. The 'something new, something envied' was the person I was becoming because slowly.. ever so slowly, I found myself drifting away from my husband and into the affections of online flirts.. men I would think were beautiful who thought I in turn was beautiful. This behavior, although fun and exciting, would never permit me ultimate long lasting and significant happiness. These men would never see me as any more than a pretty face with a nice @$$ and a sassy attitude. I knew this. And at the time I was okay with it. I know the attention and affections were temporary. I didn't want to split up my family. Recent events however have changed all this. And now my family is in the wake of separation because where I am strong, I now know I need to make what was weak even stronger. And by doing this I know there will be no more time left to incur that dangerous behavior. A mom on her own can't afford spare time.

I was so broken. Really. Thinking I could be okay emotionally, thinking that's all life would ever have left to offer me. Only temporary happy times because all the happy times with myself and my husband were only created when I put forth every effort and even then.. there would be some way to sour the circumstance no matter how high we seemed to fly. For all my effort and hard work to put something together, someone or something would eventually crash down on me. I have few happy memories of our family excursions. That said, I was done being at the bottom of my rope. No hope, no fix. No way out. I had to learn to take it and face the fact that things would never change and we'd 'truck along' because that is what is done. You put up and shut up.

My heart bled. And I tried to fill it however I could for however short a time at one time that I could. But there was always left a gaping hole in my chest that could never really be filled. I had deeper needs that I didn't even understand. I knew I needed help but couldn't find enough of whatever it was where I was deficient. I turned to running. I found joy in it. Running and working out made me physically stronger and in turn made me more beautiful than I could perceive. And I've never thought of myself as truly beautiful on the outside. EVER. I was always told beauty is skin deep, that how you feel, your character and personality are what make you truly beautiful. Last year I was transformed. I think I would not have been able to handle that outward beauty any earlier because I am definitely not handling it very well now. I can't look anyone in the eye anymore. I can't stand so many smiles, so many winks, so many compliments. I am not worthy of any of it. I have caused much pain and grief to myself and those around me because of my inabilities. It is certainly arrogant. What I wanted to get to is ....

Last year I met someone. I was not initially attracted to his face. But he became the center of my world and now I am drowning because now.. he is gone. And I can't do anything about it. It was the best way to have met him, too.. because I was not attracted to his outer beauty. I believe he's the most beautiful man on earth now. His smile melts my heart and his eyes hold the universe. They have a twinkle that shames the stars. His voice.. warms my soul. Because even though I can't talk to him and I can't foresee talking to him in the near future, I can still remember it beautifully. It's as if we've turned into an Austen novel where for some reason the hero and heroine never have a chance to finally see how much in love they are if they would just let themselves stay in that moment and forgive all shortcomings. I am supposedly forgiven, but how many people forgive others and then blatantly tell them they need space..? And how many people say they need space and actually get enough space and time and come back to that person...? I think he thinks I broke his heart but truly my heart is more broken now than it ever was even in marriage. I love this man. More than I have ever loved one single person. He taught me that.

He taught me that love is more than admiration ...although that's where we started. Love came from listening. And advising. Learning to trust and be trusted. He taught me that love is comfort and understanding. That love forgives. Love is a strength and a weakness. Loving is longing and laughing and watching and worrying. Love means sacrificing what you want because in the end what you want is for that someone to be happy.. more happy than what you'd want. And your happiness comes second to theirs. What I know now is that love is a scary thing! It's a ballsie thing to put yourself out there for love. I wasn't ready to love, but I grew into it instead. I wasn't open to it. You could say I tripped over it.. like a happy accident.

It didn't start out as love. And I was nervous and very hesitant to even go near the word love. I knew that I liked him and looked forward to all the good times we'd have yet to share, all the laughs we'd already had and all the stories and experienced we'd detailed. I didn't know how breakable he was at first but he let me know. He let me in and all it made me want to do was give him the same. He opened his arms and I fell into them. He pulled me closer and I breathed deeply. My heart began to be calm, the wounds of my broken marriage slowly mending. We stayed that way for a while. Like we were two friends.. old friends.. sitting by a fire sharing their day or enjoying the ambiance. Best friends. I never had a better best friend. And I mean the kind of friend who'd steal your clothes while you went skinny dipping, or the kind of friend who knew where to find you when you wanted to be alone in your tears. The kind of friend you'd climb trees with to watch the sunset, the kind of friend who would let you yell and not take it personally.. the kind of friend who would force you to look at yourself once in a while and remind you how truly beautiful you could be if you'd just slow down. He let me talk to him at every hour of the day if I wanted. Oh how I needed him. I still need him. He held me in darkness and led me into his light. I had the worst behavior in my marriage looking outwardly for that attention when what I needed most was what he gave me.. true friendship. I didn't even know that's what I needed. I had said before.. this is the stuff of fairy tales. This is love worth dying for. This is the kind of friendship I want for a lifetime. I wanted to be stronger for myself for so long. I felt I needed to prove to myself daily that I was stronger than having to come home to my children alone. I was strong. I am still strong. After knowing him I realized.. there is such a thing as 'that perfect person for you.'

But.. that hole in my chest has torn open again. And my heart is bleeding worse than before. It bleeds daily, and it's so painful. So now I have to find my own strength again. I had a friend, and then my friend went away. (to use the word friend is such an understatement!) And I don't know if my friend will ever come back. I don't know if I am ever welcome in his arms again. And I know, because of him.. that there is no one else in this world worth fighting for. So I am giving up on any more love. I had it in him. And I don't want it from anywhere else. I'd rather be alone than in the arms of someone else.. someone less. Because everyone else is less than him. No one can comfort me the way he did. Although he's not comforting me now.. I don't want to know what all of this means. I don't want to try and find a solution. I'll bleed the rest of my days before I let anyone else in. I know I'm still young and it's melodramatic and naive of me to think, but when a person touches your life so greatly and makes just... an incredible impact that surpasses any other.. when you find someone who takes your breath away when you thought you could be just fine on your own.. why bother looking anymore?

That's how it should be anyway.. why bother needing to look further..? I may be a pretty girl now, but I know that looks fade. I know that when I did have opinions in my marriage they went overlooked and ignored. I know I freely looked elsewhere for approval and felt okay doing so. I also know that the man who changed me forever has done more for me than he realizes. And while he fixed me (the way Jacob did for Bella when Edward left) he has also created a gaping hole of his own, one with jagged edges that cuts going in and pulling out. I would give my whole heart to him again, for he took it with him when he said he needed 'space.' There is no end to this .. rambling. And that's all it is right now.. thoughts written down, because they needed to be free.

Healing and the Downing

A letter to my heart:
Dearest, you've been wounded.. at home and abroad.  I think you do this to yourself because you crave the drama.  You want some excitement.  But ask yourself: is it worth the heartache every time?  Is it worth the lies and the lies upon lies?  And who .. just who do you end up lying to anyway?  Your world is not real.  You're seeing this more and more lately.  To say it's good well.. it's something.  It's not going to hurt you anymore.  You like being hurt.  I think everyone likes being the one to receive sympathy.  Not you.  You are alone with your grief.  You are alone with your healing.  No one really knows why you did it..

Ah.. I almost forgot.  You downed them.  Ha ha ha.. I remember that day so well.  You've been trying to recover from that pitiful day ever since.. You weren't fully healed from it even a week afterward.  Yet you keep ticking.  Sleep.  Ha.  You could easily have fallen fast asleep and stayed asleep with as few as 4.  But no, you couldn't stop there.  You had to make extra sure you'd stay asleep.. for more than a day if I remember correctly.  Comatose is what you wanted.  Brain-dead.  Numb from all feeling, all hurting, all love.  You frighten people with your.. antics.  You can talk about it now because the wound isn't as sore and open and fresh now.  No more salt... to keep 'purifying' it.  When I recall that day.. okay, it still hurts a lot.  There's so much loss in that one day.  When you received the message.. the entire day was gone.  And you got that message in the morning!  It was raining that day.  Your kids were as safe as they could be without spoiling your little secret.  But stupid!! You are stupid!  Well, okay.. you're not THAT stupid.  You were at home where you knew you'd be found.  Your timing could have been better.  And you wonder why it didn't take effect right away.  Sheesh!  You couldn't even wait 10 minutes!  But listen to me.. who am I to really give advice?  You were the one who did this to yourself.  You are the one who puts her heart in places where she knows it'll be put through all kinds of torture.  Squeezed.  Shredded.  Punctured with blunt objects.  Sliced.  Smashed.  To a bloody pulp.  Good thing the heart recovers... eventually.  Amazing actually.  How DOES it do that?!  Hmmm..

You're still lost, ya know.  You're on a better path now though.  Reading scriptures for the first time in a decade .. or so it feels like anyway.  Reading scripture stories with your children.. that one I especially like.  I see you though.. in dark corners.  Wishing for things.  Yearning for .. things.  Wanting things.  My advice: stay at home.  People keep telling you that you have it good.  Listen to them.  No one.. NO ONE will love you like he does.  NO ONE will respect you or practically worship you the way he does.  No one will ever feel the same way about someone the way he feels for you.  Trust that .. for once in your goddamn life.  Your heart should be locked now.  Forever.  FOREVER.  Seal it.  Unless.. unless you actually LIKE being hurt, over and over and over again. 

I've heard you say before.. "I'm a liar and a cheat.  Who's to say I'm worthy of having someone who treats me the way a girl should be treated?"  I .. still don't know how to respond to that one. You ARE  a liar.  Ha ha, a BIG liar.  How many lie-webs have you tangled now??  And you did cheat.  Ooo...hurts to even say that.  Still in denial, eh?  Well.. you'll get over it.  You'll come to realize when you give your heart away when it's not free to be given.. it doesn't split so nicely, eh?  I can see your eyes right now.  They're thinking of "he who must not be named anymore."  The one who continually breaks you.  You patch yourself up -alone- only to be broken -only to heal ALONE- and the cycle just repeats.  What is it that draws you to him, anyway?  I'm so frustrated with you.  Didn't you say you got married so you'd NEVER HAVE TO BE ALONE??  And so you suffer in silence, alone.  Because you're a liar and a cheat.  All your lies are what's making you so alone.  Think about that..

Oh, you like to be alone.  Then what the hell are you doing married?  You know you love being with people who love you.  You love time together most of all.  And yet what you're doing.. is taking all that time away.  The time you could spend tilling love into the hearts of children you instead spend pining over lost love that is not yours to lose.  You aren't even losing it!  You're losing the lame idea of it, because it's fake.  This is all fake.  Fake love.  In your head.  Make-believe.  Your head is in the clouds.  What you do from here.. hmm. 

What do you want?  Do you know how to get it?  Will it bring you happiness?  Do you want to be happy?  Or do you just want to hurt forever?

Virtuous

I am not virtuous lately, but I did something of virtue yesterday.  Sneaky.. and still virtuous.  I am not supposed to have any contact.  That's what "severing" is anyway, right?  But I couldn't contain myself.  I am not one to be held back by restraint.  I wrote a letter yesterday and upon completion did not feel 100% right.  The words were too personal and desperate.  The letter itself was 3 pages (1 1/2, fronts and backs) long which is rightfully too long for someone who doesn't want to hear from you at all.  I sealed it and wrote his address.  It was ready to go minus a stamp.  But a nagging feeling told me I should not mail this letter.  I went with it and constructed a new one.  This time I wrote in pencil and my words were up-and-down and not slanted.  The over-all neatness was pleasing to me.  My words were more concise, and my point was better felt.  What I really wanted to say I said in fewer words ..without burdening him any more with parts of my history that should not be shared with him.  He is, after all, not my husband.  I think I have finally let the thought of him go.  I wrote of my many apologies.  I wrote of taking all responsibility, because I was the one who showed up at his door twice.  I was the one who asked to be there a second time, and I am the one who knew what would happen were I invited.  I am the one to blame, and I understand why we cannot be close or friends at this time.  I hope I can heal spiritually.  I want to be whole, and I do not want to be sad.  I still have love for him.  My heart aches for this loss.  But at least now I can be productive again.

Paradise Lost

When I think of the word "sever" I think of a giant blade slicing off the head of a dangerous animal, like a snake or ... just something terrifying.  I think of blood being spilt, and I think of screaming and gouging, a mighty battle won.  When I think of the word "sever," all I can think of is everlasting pain.  Something that grew to be a part of something else and was instantly and surprisingly cut off.  The source bleeds until it is bandaged.  The bleeding gushes uncontrollably.  The severed end however.. well, it withers away and dies unless it is grafted on to something that needs it.  The withered end is not what's important.  What's important is saving the main body from the severed end, because in the end the severed end was killing off the main body anyway.  Like a broken leg that gets infected.  Better to sever the leg to save the body, then let the infection spread to the body.

Was I really killing him?  I feel so depressed now.  Food doesn't have a taste.  My stomach never needs filling.  My arms are too tired to bring anything to my mouth even to replenish my body.  TV shows aren't interesting.  Piano is definitely not interesting.  When I stop for 10 seconds I want to break down in tears.  It is just a reaction now.  Involuntary.

I don't remember much after I discovered I was only a weak limb, infected and spreading and needing to be severed.  I remember wanting to throw up.  I remember knowing it would happen.  I remember knowing exactly what he was talking about.  And yet it still came as a shock, because I hadn't hit him with it first.  I should have been the one severing him!  But I didn't.  I need him.  I am dead now.  And withering.  Next week I will have to slap on a smile and pretend this week didn't happen.  I'm going to have to fake this great loss.  Sooner or later I will have to start eating again.  Because I can't afford another new wardrobe.  I am so un-whole right now.  I feel as though I've been jabbed in the chest with a short blunt blade.  My insides feel full and empty at the same time.  I am not a beautiful person.  I will never be.  He has finally decided enough was enough and I will never have a part of him ever again.  The pain though.. the pain reminds me it did happen and that I did feel strongly, passionately for him.  It was not just a fling for me.  This pain hurts.  I just .. didn't want to wake up.  Why did I have to wake up?!  Why couldn't I just sleep to dull everything?  Just .. sleep.  Peacefully, not waking.  Not dreaming, just.. resting.  I am mourning .. nothing.  I pity myself, for who does this to themselves?  I did this.  All of this.  It's all my fault.  I brought this on and now I am paying for it.  Whoever said 'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all' can go to hell.  Better yet, they can come visit this hell I have to live in now.  Yes yes, we all heal with time.  Right now I'd rather suffer this loss and feel the pain and know it was real.. so, okay.  They don't have to go to hell.  It's better to feel something than nothing.  Better to care than not care.  Yes, I love him.  Even still.  Truly it is a sad thing.

Time to Write

Dearest,
I needed to write to someone and I know you're not available, that you're never available or that you ever want me at all, so I'll write to you here instead even though you don't "follow" me on this blog.  I wish I had the right answer.  I wish I felt the way I'm supposed to feel.. about everyone.  I want to dance like no one's watching me, and love like I'm not afraid to be hurt.  I want to let it all go and hold everything close.  I want you in my life but I know you'll never want the same.  I want you every day.  I think of you every chance I get.  And it's not intentional.. well, not all the time.

I feel so bothersome toward you!  I want to scream at myself, to stop wanting you, to stop following you, to stop caring.  Why can't I do it!  Why can't I just let you go?  Why can't I move on?  I am not even available to be in this situation.

I wish we were friends.  Good friends.  Friends who could depend on each other, friends who've been friends since birth, friends who cut each other's hair and buried each other in the mud and played hide-and-seek and forgot to find the other person because you got caught up in how pretty the flowers were so you decided to build a castle around them with a moat and a princess at the top tower and.. what was I talking about?  haha.. I wish I could be the neighbor you turn to when you run out of toilet paper or laundry detergent.  I wish I could yell at you and slam the door in your face and you in turn put your hand through a window and we don't see each other for a week until we cool off.  I wish I could fill your belly each night with delicious meals that I spent hours making, just for you.  I wish I could play music for you into the night.  I wish I could sing something you loved.  I wish I knew what it is that you love.  Besides your mother.  I wish I could feel all your happy memories.  I wish I could curl up beside you and listen to your heart beating beneath your chest.  I wish I could wrap a blanket around us while we listened to the rain, and I wish we could talk to each other the way real people do.  I wish I was let in.  I wish you'd let me in, or even want me in.

I just realized.. haha.. what I sound like.  I sound like a crazy crush-obsessed teenie-bopper who writes love letters to her favorite boy band or actor or tv hero.  This is me having a crush.  I sound pathetic.  I feel pathetic.  I feel like part of me is missing, as in not there.. as in a void.  My heart aches over that void every day.  And my chest feels heavier every time my mind pulls it up.  I feel like crying.

The other man came back into the picture.  He just.. all of a sudden showed up.  I wanted to tell you all about it, ask advice.. make you talk me out of it.  I want you to scream at me to tell me to stop.  I need to stop.  I can't go on like this.. I'm going to end up making myself bleed to death.  He wants to .. "talk."  What I really want to know is why he thinks he can get anything out of me after how many times he left me alone so I could suffer by myself.  He's being an ass, and I really just want him to take a hike.  The only problem I have is that I do want to see him again, I just don't want to sleep with him.  I don't want any part of sex and him.  But that's definitely not what he wants.  What he sees is someone who's definitely not attached to him but easy enough to seduce.  A free whore.  That's all he wants and that's all I am to him.  I'm interested in what he has to say.  The last time I said that though.. well, let's just say I wasn't disappointed and I wasn't expecting it.  I wanted it.  I wanted it all.  I still want it all.. again.  And more.  But not from the other guy.  From "him."

I have complicated feelings that are all over the map.  I wish you could give me what I so desperately need.  I wish even more that I deserved it, or that we could even stand a chance if that chance ever came.

Dearest, wherever you are and whomever you're with.. I wish you could feel the love and longing I feel for you.  I wish I could bottle up all this energy, this trust and command, this tenderness and kinship.. I wish I could send it all your way so that you could never have a lonely moment.  Because I know that you have them.  I want to be next to you.. and closer.  I want to feel your warm skin and have your fingers caress my arms, my shoulders, my fingers and calves, my knees, my back.. I want to look you in the eyes and tell you I'm your one.  Which is a lie.. but sometimes a lie can bring a temporary smile, right?  The truth makes me shed too many tears, so I'll keep lying to myself and tell me I belong to you and you belong to me and we are unwhole unless we're together.  Goodnight dearest.  Until we meet again.

Yours sincerely.