I Would Give It All Up

Penny for my thoughts I know, since I have so many and they all seem to revolve around the same thing..

I'm going to do a very bold and perhaps un-wise thing tonight.. I'm going to send you a message. And it may prove how unrequited this really is, but at this point I feel like you are already lost so.. what else have I got to lose? I have seriously never felt this way ever. I'm hopefully going to keep today's post short because even I am getting sick of reading and writing the same damn thing, but.. I've never cried into my pillow every night for one person. Before you came along I never had a friend who gave so much of their time to me. I never felt so selfish with anyone or wanted to be that selfish with anyone. I never wanted to be more truthful or faithful to any one person. I have only ever competed with myself for greatness, but since I've known you I've wanted to be even better.

I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to include in my message to you. I know I want to tell you I love you. That you are not lost to me, that I realize I may love you without reciprocation. I want to tell you how important you are, how someone out there still cares for you. I want you to know it was definitely not for nothing! My process right now takes time and it is frustrating to me, but I'm getting through it. I remember we joked about thinking we wanted to make things official within the space of 4-5 years.. I am thinking of it as speeding the process, and this way it'll give me more time to save my pennies before I make my northern trek. No, I don't think I want to mention that part. I don't want to offend you so I don't know what you'll think of as repulse you. I don't understand how you could feel so strongly for me and then completely against me within the space of days. My necklace -your trophy and mark of a true sniper shot- is still my number 1 possession. And I still hold onto it before I go to sleep each night. It's my security. And it's so small.. but nothing else has ever meant so much, not even my engagement or wedding ring. I hate ever having to take it off. So I try not to!

Your current profile picture is your dime.. and my hand holding it. And your cover photo is a beautiful snowy evergreen... both of which are my favorite things/pictures. I know I've said I'm scared to death of sub-freezing temperatures. I'm more afraid of never being close to you ever again. I would give up ever going to Disneyland ever again. I would give up my sunny California. I would give up seeing my family regularly. I would give it all up for you. When I think about the things that make life comfortable.. livable.. things I don't think I could live without.. (because I have thought on this a lot!) nothing means more to me than what I had with you. The way we were is the way it should be between two people. Complete honesty, trust, friendship. It may not have seemed to you like I trusted you .. but I did. And I still do. I have to be honest with my heart now. I don't want to live this way. I don't want to stay married to someone I haven't loved. How could you want me to stay like this anyway? I don't know why you're upset with me still. I don't know why we can't be good friends. I don't know why you're upset with me, closed off to me all the time. I have theories. But for now that's all they are.

I love you. I'd tell you every day if I could. Incredibly.. sincerely, and completely.