Dearest Love,
I love Mondays! My favorite movies as a girl were the "Anne of Green Gables/Anne of Avonlea" shows (turned out to be books I later discovered!) and one of the lines I love most is from Anne's favorite professor Miss Stacey. She told Anne, "Tomorrow is always fresh.. with no mistakes in it (yet..)." And even though Anne was always letting her curiosity get the better of her.. and even though Anne always found herself in trouble with one person or many, Miss Stacey was there to give her hope and instruction.. direction. Anne was a firey girl, one who inspired me. She would read and learn and ask questions and do what she wanted to do. She only needed one truly good friend. She didn't need to be glamorous. She respected her elders and made many mistakes. She would say what she felt, and mostly she would feel as though she excelled when she put her determined spirit to what she did. She was fierce. So.. I feel like Mondays are like the proverbial "tomorrow" where it's the real beginning of the week and it's a fresh start to the work that lies ahead. I love Mondays and I face them headstrong. Today I did give myself a break and slept in since I ran many miles yesterday. I went to the gym and did a mini-workout.. no running. My calves are still a bit sore and stretched tightly, so I thought I'd give them a break. I don't give my body the break it needs often, and I should do that more so that I can feel better all around. I don't want to excel at one thing.. I want to feel good about all that I do.
I'm one step closer to closing my deal. Today I told Dawnette and Mark about my upcoming divorce. Dawnette was completely supportive. Mark is understanding. They are my family and I love them, and they should know but I don't want to completely fall on them when I am down. I don't see myself getting down all that much actually. I feel like this was a long time coming. I feel like all the changes that are being made now are in vain. I'm glad he's feeling happier about himself, and angry as well because I feel like so many years have been wasted. I'm changed now. I don't want him touching me at all. I think he gets that. He thinks I appreciate small gestures. They mostly make me shudder. I can't wait for it to be over.. that can't happen soon enough.
Sweet love, you are still behind my eyes whenever I close them. Your face is the one I see in my dreams. Your long slender fingers caressing my skin.. your lips at my neck and on my shoulders.. your hands at my back, holding me at my waist, keeping me close.. these are more than just dreams or fantasies to me. These are hopefully the future! You are so much to me. Your smile warms my heart.. and the thought of YOUR touch gives me a different kind of shudder, one that makes my eyes gleam and my lip quiver. I catch myself day dreaming of you often, and I smile when I think no one is looking. My heart is yours if you would take it. I give it to you freely.
You could say, dear love, that right now I'm in a state of denial. I don't want to believe what we had is lost forever. I know what we had .. I've never experienced or witnessed. There is so much we can learn from each other ... together. There is so much strength left to build, so much love yet to give, so much hope yet to feel. I do hope and I hope often that when we meet it will be as though my transgressions were washed clean. I know I'm not worthy of you, but I hope that you could give me the chance our whole lifetime through to make it up to you daily. I doubt that forgiveness will be instantaneous.. but I think when I see you for the first time it will be something awe-striking. I will have dreamt of the moment for nigh on every day out of a year or more. I can still see myself looking upon you for minutes that would seem to drag on for centuries. When I look on you for the first time, I want to make sure I am looking long enough to memorize every curve, every line.. every inch of your face.. the way your mouth turns up when you smile, the way your eyes smile with glee, the way your hair curls upward and then loping down.. the way your stubble can't seem to hold itself at bay for 10 seconds.. haha. The way you stand and the way you hold your arms.. the way you walk.. what you'd want to do first.. All I would want would be to mold myself into you. I want to see you standing in front of me.. I want to take in that moment, because there will be only one first time. I think about it a lot. I would want you to know my smile is genuine, and it glows from my soul and would say to you, "This is only the beginning.. let our forever now begin." When you see me for the first time, I hope it is as magical and unforgettable as I hope it will be for me. My heart pounds at the thought.
Showing posts with label fantasy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fantasy. Show all posts
Monday, May 6, 2013
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
beach daze
*whoosh*
As soon as I shut the door to the car, that's the first thing that pulls at my senses. Sound. The sound of waves beating on the sand and on the water, the lapping and whooshing, seagulls baying, the wind rustling and shaving slight layers of sand from the beach. It's not a very warm day, but the sun is out, and after an hour or two the sun will feel warm on my cheeks. That's the next thing I sense: feel. I can feel the wind on my face and the sun on my lips, my shoulders. The sand finds interesting places to land, on my legs and bag, my chest, my hairline.. all places inconvenient. But I don't care. Sand means proof. If I don't have remnants of sand after the day, it's like I never had a slice of paradise. I raise my arms to the wind and let it brush my arm hairs. They stand on end because of the chill, as do the hairs on the back of my neck. I put my sweater on, grab my things, and head out to the water.
Nestled by the surf I set my chair into the sand and set it to recline. I kick off my sandals, set down my soda, and lay my bag on the sand next to my chair. I start to relax.. I sit. I cross my ankles and stretch out. My feet play in the sand that is warm on the surface. Looking through shades I watch out at the water for a few minutes. There are wanna-be surfers trying to hang 10. They have suits on because they'd catch hypothermia otherwise. The sky is robin's egg blue with streaks of clouds that look as if they were drawn by planes. The sun beats down on the water and rays shine upward, blinding me for a moment at a time. I look away only for a second. I watch the horizon. It's completely clear. No ships or boats today, no sails and no wind surfers. I take a look at my surroundings. All is peaceful, because with the sound of the waves crashing with the sound of the wind whooshing, I am pretty much deaf to anything else. I see children catching and throwing a frisbee. I see dogs being walked, and I see kite flyers. I see people laughing, but I don't hear them. I see sand castles and hand-made ponds. I see mostly tan and blue.. neutrals. If I could spend all day here, I would. I don't even pull out a book or notepad. Why would I want to deter from all this heavenly perfection around me? Life on the beach isn't complicated. It's not busy, it's not difficult. It's not depressed or even too happy. It's there for you when you need to escape, when you need to remind yourself what beauty is.
As soon as I shut the door to the car, that's the first thing that pulls at my senses. Sound. The sound of waves beating on the sand and on the water, the lapping and whooshing, seagulls baying, the wind rustling and shaving slight layers of sand from the beach. It's not a very warm day, but the sun is out, and after an hour or two the sun will feel warm on my cheeks. That's the next thing I sense: feel. I can feel the wind on my face and the sun on my lips, my shoulders. The sand finds interesting places to land, on my legs and bag, my chest, my hairline.. all places inconvenient. But I don't care. Sand means proof. If I don't have remnants of sand after the day, it's like I never had a slice of paradise. I raise my arms to the wind and let it brush my arm hairs. They stand on end because of the chill, as do the hairs on the back of my neck. I put my sweater on, grab my things, and head out to the water.
Nestled by the surf I set my chair into the sand and set it to recline. I kick off my sandals, set down my soda, and lay my bag on the sand next to my chair. I start to relax.. I sit. I cross my ankles and stretch out. My feet play in the sand that is warm on the surface. Looking through shades I watch out at the water for a few minutes. There are wanna-be surfers trying to hang 10. They have suits on because they'd catch hypothermia otherwise. The sky is robin's egg blue with streaks of clouds that look as if they were drawn by planes. The sun beats down on the water and rays shine upward, blinding me for a moment at a time. I look away only for a second. I watch the horizon. It's completely clear. No ships or boats today, no sails and no wind surfers. I take a look at my surroundings. All is peaceful, because with the sound of the waves crashing with the sound of the wind whooshing, I am pretty much deaf to anything else. I see children catching and throwing a frisbee. I see dogs being walked, and I see kite flyers. I see people laughing, but I don't hear them. I see sand castles and hand-made ponds. I see mostly tan and blue.. neutrals. If I could spend all day here, I would. I don't even pull out a book or notepad. Why would I want to deter from all this heavenly perfection around me? Life on the beach isn't complicated. It's not busy, it's not difficult. It's not depressed or even too happy. It's there for you when you need to escape, when you need to remind yourself what beauty is.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
The Story of a Girl: Boyfriends Past
A girl I know used to be a happy girl. This girl was the happiest girl on the block.. at the store, at the mall, she'd brighten up to anyway. She'd always buy things she didn't need. The sales people were too persuasive, and they could spot a sucker a mile away. Something tragic happened to this girl. It wasn't her fault. She was the nicest girl you could ever meet. Her story is an interesting one. I want to try and understand it. So I want to try and write it. It goes something like this...
Once upon a time there lived a girl. She had brown hair and hazel eyes. She wasn't a beautiful girl, but she was a happy girl. She was happy with herself as far as I could see. She was so warm and caring, always laughing, always seeming interested. There was a light in her eyes. Everyone wanted that light, and she loved sharing it. She was a giver. Maybe that was her downfall.
I watched this girl day in and day out. I wasn't her friend, but I wanted to be. She'd sit alone sometimes, and she'd either be reading or writing. She'd pick right up whenever anyone came near. She liked hanging out. She liked having friends. To me, she was kinda popular. I even watched her fall in love. More than once.
The first time I saw her fall in love, she was very young -14 I think- it was with some guy who shaved his head and had a tattoo. He didn't look too much older, but he smelled of weed and poverty. It didn't look like he had much, but to his name it seemed he loved her greatly. I watched them together and wondered what they saw in each other. Talk about a difference of classes! They went to the same school but they definitely were not of the same social crowds. Out of nowhere it seemed she started hanging on this guy, why? No one knows. (Where did she find him anyway?) If she was trying to prove a point, I think she missed it because they are definitely not together now. Their relationship was short lived to say the least. One day they are all over each other in bliss and the next he's no where to be found. Did he flee the country? Is he in a ditch somewhere? All I can say is she was devastated. Tears for weeks. She couldn't have been the one to end it, she looked so torn. After their breakup she started bringing some kind of needlework to school. What, was she like 50 now? Never again to go out? Like we all haven't had our share of breakups. I mean, come on. Now's not the time to declare ourselves to a nunnery.
The second boyfriend I watched her with was a few months later. Or maybe it was a few years. Not too quick after the last for sure, but she had a light in her eyes again. Always with that light, I saw it come and go. She had the best kind of light when she wasn't with anyone at all. But now it gleamed so bright you couldn't miss it. The first few days she was glimmering. Light poured all over the two of them. It seemed though that most of that light came from her. No matter, she had enough. He was a fine looking gentleman, too. Hair brushed, teeth white, clothes clean. Good looking guy. And they dated a while. A few months as a matter of fact. Then all of a sudden the light started to flicker. She still beamed with pride but it was almost like a hand just went through the flame of her candle. One second as bright as could be, then a shadow, and the light all of a sudden came back.. so quickly. Hot. Huh, must have been the wind. This boy was so... interested! And happy. Yes, most definitely he seems happy. They are perfect. He's perfect. After a couple months though, she has an accident ..at practice maybe? And her arm the next day is in a cast. Her face has some bruises, but where is he? Huh.. he's um.. wait.. where is he? And what happened to her? Oooohhh.. she didn't have an accident at practice. She got in a wreck. Oh my goodness! Is she okay? Whew.. totally okay. But yeah.. where did he go? Don't they have a term paper or something? He should be in school... hmm. He left town suddenly? What?? After her accident? I need to talk to her.. the school is a buzz! Oh no.. seriously? I can't believe it. Oh, I get it. Prom was last weekend. Turns out he wasn't after her because he liked her. He made a bet with his friends if he could nail her afterward they'd give him $100 each. Looks like he lost that bet, but man.. what happened to her? Must have been right before.. and he just dumped her, just like that? After her accident? What an a-hole!
So I kept my eye on that poor girl. She seemed like it didn't affect her that much even though it should. Doesn't she know guys shouldn't do that to girls?? I mean, she's so beautiful on the inside! She's such a bright and cheery person. She has so many strengths. At any rate, I love this girl. She'll fall in love again and when it happens I want to see her shine so bright. She needs another light to help her keep going.
* * * * *
It's later in life now. This same girl hasn't had another boyfriend since that bet. Too skeptical now I bet. He scarred her pretty good. She must really have loved that guy. Recently though I've seen her keeping busy with a musical theater production. See what I mean? That light will never die. I wonder what it is that keeps it bright.. She's grown taller, straighter. For a while there she kinda went off track. I didn't want to write about those times, because this girl is still just the brightest star in my universe. I wish I could just .. talk to her! Oh well.
She and this one guy started hanging out, and this is where I want to get to now. So she and this one guy.. they started hanging out and it didn't look like much was going to happen. All of a sudden though I saw her light. I saw it in her eyes. Every time he came by it was like she was on fire. I've never seen her so bright. If I can describe this guy, maybe it'll make more sense because no one falls in love that gradually. Like, all of a sudden they knew something the other didn't and overnight things changed. These two people, they are the best of friends it seems. She's always interested in everything he does, everything he says. And the way he looks at her. The first time they saw each other, it was like they were trying to analyze a Monet. Very studious. Not afraid to stare, either of them. Somehow they've been connected and they just knew they were supposed to be together.
He tosses her hair for her, and he strokes her arm from time to time. I can see he loves the feel of her skin next to his. They sit close all the time. I watch them, as I've always watched her, and I wonder how long this one will last. Yeah, yeah.. I'm a skeptic when it comes to this girl. Every time she falls, she falls hard. She falls in love so easily, and she loves so deeply. She's entirely too trusting. To a fault. They look like the best of friends, these lovers, and yet.. they never embrace each other. They never make that connection; they never seal themselves togther or .. consummate, I guess. There's something lacking in fulfillment, but I can't quite put it into words..
Years pass. Still the same. They are surprisingly still together. But they are also still in that first state, that first season of passion. Like they're torturing one another. How long can this last anyway? Is this what it's like? Is this how it's supposed to be? I think not, but it seems they never tire of each other or what the other is doing. I can see it though. I can see the desire in their eyes. Any day now.. one of them is going to cave. And when it happens I just have to wonder. Will it be the same, or better? Or *gulp* worse? But how can it be worse? They've been the best of friends... of intimate mental and emotional lovers for so long. Her hair is longer now. He still enjoys running his hand through it. And she still gets goosebumps at every graze of his touch. It's so electric. Even now. This couple is so very dear to me. I love watching them! They spend every waking minute together. And yet he sees her to her door every night with a soft touch of his hand and a bright smile on his face, like he can never get enough of just the sight of her. She has the same look. So endearing. So.. longingly. Lovingly. They are the closest I've ever seen two people. Do they know how silly they look!? Like a movie without an ending. Everyone has an ending. No one is this deliriously happy without .. well, without moving forward.
Then all of a sudden a day and a night passes, and a morning breaks and she's alone again. Oh no. No, no, no, NO! What happened?! He was my absolute favorite! They were my favorite of all time! My dream! I can't even believe it! After all this time. She is alone again. And now she seems really, very much just alone. More alone than I've ever seen her. Her face is grisley. Like it was stretched to far and a weak attempt was made at putting it back. So many wrinkles, like she ages decades overnight. It's the look of dread, like a great loss.. the greatest loss is her fate. I only saw her through a window because her head isn't lifting off her pillow. There is no energy around her at all. Not even a small flicker. Nothing moves. Silence. Not even crying or sobs. Shock maybe? I have to wonder.. did it finally happen? Did they try something and it didn't work and he could no longer stand the sight of her? Or was it ... was it maybe her choice? But how can it be her choice.. she looks so.. like death passed in front of her and gave her up. There is no more light. Not to be shared, not to be given, none. Nothing. Loss. Dampness takes up the heavy air. The longing is gone. She was my favorite to watch. And now it's gone. He's gone. Where to, I don't know. They all leave. She seems so fragile just laying there. So tiny and helpless. So broken.
* * * *
That's the story of a girl I know. Or at least just one story. There's more but that's all for now. She survived that final heartache.. barely. She's always alone and she's never looked back. I wish she did though. I wish she looked around for that guy. I wish he'd listen to her just one more time, just once to see the hurt and .. the very black look in her eyes directly afterward. Her light is building up again, but it will never be as strong as it was. He has to know what he did, and who he did it to. My favorite girl. The girl with brown hair and hazel eyes. She's destined for greatness. Only someone so great could endure such a loss. Because that indeed left a hole that never will mend. Someday soon.. I hope she meets up with that guy again. Someday soon.. I hope they befriend eachother again, because they have to see for themselves. What they had no one else has ever had. And no one will have it that great again. Maybe I'm being a little dramatic. But seriously.. I long to see them together again. Soon.
Once upon a time there lived a girl. She had brown hair and hazel eyes. She wasn't a beautiful girl, but she was a happy girl. She was happy with herself as far as I could see. She was so warm and caring, always laughing, always seeming interested. There was a light in her eyes. Everyone wanted that light, and she loved sharing it. She was a giver. Maybe that was her downfall.
I watched this girl day in and day out. I wasn't her friend, but I wanted to be. She'd sit alone sometimes, and she'd either be reading or writing. She'd pick right up whenever anyone came near. She liked hanging out. She liked having friends. To me, she was kinda popular. I even watched her fall in love. More than once.
The first time I saw her fall in love, she was very young -14 I think- it was with some guy who shaved his head and had a tattoo. He didn't look too much older, but he smelled of weed and poverty. It didn't look like he had much, but to his name it seemed he loved her greatly. I watched them together and wondered what they saw in each other. Talk about a difference of classes! They went to the same school but they definitely were not of the same social crowds. Out of nowhere it seemed she started hanging on this guy, why? No one knows. (Where did she find him anyway?) If she was trying to prove a point, I think she missed it because they are definitely not together now. Their relationship was short lived to say the least. One day they are all over each other in bliss and the next he's no where to be found. Did he flee the country? Is he in a ditch somewhere? All I can say is she was devastated. Tears for weeks. She couldn't have been the one to end it, she looked so torn. After their breakup she started bringing some kind of needlework to school. What, was she like 50 now? Never again to go out? Like we all haven't had our share of breakups. I mean, come on. Now's not the time to declare ourselves to a nunnery.
The second boyfriend I watched her with was a few months later. Or maybe it was a few years. Not too quick after the last for sure, but she had a light in her eyes again. Always with that light, I saw it come and go. She had the best kind of light when she wasn't with anyone at all. But now it gleamed so bright you couldn't miss it. The first few days she was glimmering. Light poured all over the two of them. It seemed though that most of that light came from her. No matter, she had enough. He was a fine looking gentleman, too. Hair brushed, teeth white, clothes clean. Good looking guy. And they dated a while. A few months as a matter of fact. Then all of a sudden the light started to flicker. She still beamed with pride but it was almost like a hand just went through the flame of her candle. One second as bright as could be, then a shadow, and the light all of a sudden came back.. so quickly. Hot. Huh, must have been the wind. This boy was so... interested! And happy. Yes, most definitely he seems happy. They are perfect. He's perfect. After a couple months though, she has an accident ..at practice maybe? And her arm the next day is in a cast. Her face has some bruises, but where is he? Huh.. he's um.. wait.. where is he? And what happened to her? Oooohhh.. she didn't have an accident at practice. She got in a wreck. Oh my goodness! Is she okay? Whew.. totally okay. But yeah.. where did he go? Don't they have a term paper or something? He should be in school... hmm. He left town suddenly? What?? After her accident? I need to talk to her.. the school is a buzz! Oh no.. seriously? I can't believe it. Oh, I get it. Prom was last weekend. Turns out he wasn't after her because he liked her. He made a bet with his friends if he could nail her afterward they'd give him $100 each. Looks like he lost that bet, but man.. what happened to her? Must have been right before.. and he just dumped her, just like that? After her accident? What an a-hole!
So I kept my eye on that poor girl. She seemed like it didn't affect her that much even though it should. Doesn't she know guys shouldn't do that to girls?? I mean, she's so beautiful on the inside! She's such a bright and cheery person. She has so many strengths. At any rate, I love this girl. She'll fall in love again and when it happens I want to see her shine so bright. She needs another light to help her keep going.
* * * * *
It's later in life now. This same girl hasn't had another boyfriend since that bet. Too skeptical now I bet. He scarred her pretty good. She must really have loved that guy. Recently though I've seen her keeping busy with a musical theater production. See what I mean? That light will never die. I wonder what it is that keeps it bright.. She's grown taller, straighter. For a while there she kinda went off track. I didn't want to write about those times, because this girl is still just the brightest star in my universe. I wish I could just .. talk to her! Oh well.
She and this one guy started hanging out, and this is where I want to get to now. So she and this one guy.. they started hanging out and it didn't look like much was going to happen. All of a sudden though I saw her light. I saw it in her eyes. Every time he came by it was like she was on fire. I've never seen her so bright. If I can describe this guy, maybe it'll make more sense because no one falls in love that gradually. Like, all of a sudden they knew something the other didn't and overnight things changed. These two people, they are the best of friends it seems. She's always interested in everything he does, everything he says. And the way he looks at her. The first time they saw each other, it was like they were trying to analyze a Monet. Very studious. Not afraid to stare, either of them. Somehow they've been connected and they just knew they were supposed to be together.
He tosses her hair for her, and he strokes her arm from time to time. I can see he loves the feel of her skin next to his. They sit close all the time. I watch them, as I've always watched her, and I wonder how long this one will last. Yeah, yeah.. I'm a skeptic when it comes to this girl. Every time she falls, she falls hard. She falls in love so easily, and she loves so deeply. She's entirely too trusting. To a fault. They look like the best of friends, these lovers, and yet.. they never embrace each other. They never make that connection; they never seal themselves togther or .. consummate, I guess. There's something lacking in fulfillment, but I can't quite put it into words..
Years pass. Still the same. They are surprisingly still together. But they are also still in that first state, that first season of passion. Like they're torturing one another. How long can this last anyway? Is this what it's like? Is this how it's supposed to be? I think not, but it seems they never tire of each other or what the other is doing. I can see it though. I can see the desire in their eyes. Any day now.. one of them is going to cave. And when it happens I just have to wonder. Will it be the same, or better? Or *gulp* worse? But how can it be worse? They've been the best of friends... of intimate mental and emotional lovers for so long. Her hair is longer now. He still enjoys running his hand through it. And she still gets goosebumps at every graze of his touch. It's so electric. Even now. This couple is so very dear to me. I love watching them! They spend every waking minute together. And yet he sees her to her door every night with a soft touch of his hand and a bright smile on his face, like he can never get enough of just the sight of her. She has the same look. So endearing. So.. longingly. Lovingly. They are the closest I've ever seen two people. Do they know how silly they look!? Like a movie without an ending. Everyone has an ending. No one is this deliriously happy without .. well, without moving forward.
Then all of a sudden a day and a night passes, and a morning breaks and she's alone again. Oh no. No, no, no, NO! What happened?! He was my absolute favorite! They were my favorite of all time! My dream! I can't even believe it! After all this time. She is alone again. And now she seems really, very much just alone. More alone than I've ever seen her. Her face is grisley. Like it was stretched to far and a weak attempt was made at putting it back. So many wrinkles, like she ages decades overnight. It's the look of dread, like a great loss.. the greatest loss is her fate. I only saw her through a window because her head isn't lifting off her pillow. There is no energy around her at all. Not even a small flicker. Nothing moves. Silence. Not even crying or sobs. Shock maybe? I have to wonder.. did it finally happen? Did they try something and it didn't work and he could no longer stand the sight of her? Or was it ... was it maybe her choice? But how can it be her choice.. she looks so.. like death passed in front of her and gave her up. There is no more light. Not to be shared, not to be given, none. Nothing. Loss. Dampness takes up the heavy air. The longing is gone. She was my favorite to watch. And now it's gone. He's gone. Where to, I don't know. They all leave. She seems so fragile just laying there. So tiny and helpless. So broken.
* * * *
That's the story of a girl I know. Or at least just one story. There's more but that's all for now. She survived that final heartache.. barely. She's always alone and she's never looked back. I wish she did though. I wish she looked around for that guy. I wish he'd listen to her just one more time, just once to see the hurt and .. the very black look in her eyes directly afterward. Her light is building up again, but it will never be as strong as it was. He has to know what he did, and who he did it to. My favorite girl. The girl with brown hair and hazel eyes. She's destined for greatness. Only someone so great could endure such a loss. Because that indeed left a hole that never will mend. Someday soon.. I hope she meets up with that guy again. Someday soon.. I hope they befriend eachother again, because they have to see for themselves. What they had no one else has ever had. And no one will have it that great again. Maybe I'm being a little dramatic. But seriously.. I long to see them together again. Soon.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Recurring Dream
I keep having the same dream over and over, and it never gets better and it never gets worse. But it is worse. Because it doesn't get better and I drown in never progressing. I am such a wretch. But I have to accept who I am, because I am the person having this dream. And although I have the power to stop it, I am not strong enough. I'd dare to be strong for someone else but if I have to be strong for myself then I will fail. This is obviously not a dream; it is a nightmare. A nightmare that I long for, a danger that is truly dangerous. It is my end. It is the end. It starts and ends with fire. And I think I may have lost a friend over this dream. I know I can lose so much more to this dream and yet this dream -I look forward to this dream every night. I close my eyes and wait for its embrace. My face hits the pillow and I flip on the TV so that I can become numb before I start to dream this.. poisonous nightmare. I am so toast.
I'm in a small room on a cheap couch watching reruns of a popular show I don't usually watch. I was invited in and all I wanted was to relax.. to unwind.. to not be who I normally am which is someone with way too many responsibilities. I am so comfortable where I am that I wouldn't mind staying there forever. Oh how I want to stay there just a little longer. Just a little longer.. but the clock ticks on. I notice every second that clock ticks, because I am where I am not supposed to be. I know I'm breaking every rule. This is what people like me do. We tempt fate. Like we're supposed to disown our own fate.. like fate even exists. I don't believe in fate; I believe we are all accountable. Even me.
I am where I want to be, right there in the moment. Talking.. lots of .. talking. Then touching. Nothing intimate, just friendly. Old pals. Arms rubbing. Knuckles punching. Fingers grazing, interlacing. You're smiling -of course you're smiling. I wonder.. I've known this feeling for so long now, and for so long I've wondered if I made the right choices. I'm not making the right choice now, but it's too late for that. This is not a confession. Remember, this is part of my freakish dream. I can't even describe the longing I feel even when I'm only inches away in this dream. So much of me wants so much of what I can never have and it is so thrashingly painful, if that's even a word. I can only feebly describe this feeling as my heart shaking violently between what feels like canons bursting through me.. because what I want to do and what I can never do will never match up. Two parallels that will never cross. My time will never come. This choice can never be undone. And I keep asking for more of this pain! Why do I keep wanting this dream!?
In my dream we are two friends enjoying eachother's company. We are two friends who've known eachother for so long, and we are completely comfortable. Like home. We are two friends at home. You feel like home to me, and I want to be where you are. You are in my heart always and I love you. I love you every day. You mean more to me than water. I wish I could get inside you, and I wish I could understand you. I wish I could take your pain away and be your guide, your confidante. I wish you could love me. Or be angry with me. Or something. I wish you wouldn't feel so hollow. I wish you wouldn't turn me away. But I turn you away every day. I wish we could be those old friends in the movies. People who trusted eachother until they were wrinkly and wheezing and taking a hundred meds every morning and having to use walkers because we didn't want to stoop to power chairs. People who depended on each other. Two people who felt like home because they were where home was to them. How I feel about you in my dream isn't ever going to be fair to either of us.
I never want to stop having your dream.. our dream. My nightmare. Soon it will end and I'll be sad. But for now it is alive and dangerously passionate. If you go, please be sure to let me sleep because I am already baring this awful pain even when you're not here. But you're always here. You are gone now and I think it's all my fault. This isn't the first time I've had this dream by the way.. but then you've probably already figured that out. I had it years ago and it keeps coming back. Haunting me. Taunting me. Laughing in my face. Telling me I'm not who I think I am. Drowning me. So you see, you have quite an effect. And I am alive because of you. Please.. don't go. Don't go yet. I am desparate for you and you don't even know it. Or maybe you do and that's why you're nowhere now. Doing what's healthy. You're not having my dream. You're not as desparate as I am. I'm so sorry if you're gone for good. This is however.. just a dream.
I'm in a small room on a cheap couch watching reruns of a popular show I don't usually watch. I was invited in and all I wanted was to relax.. to unwind.. to not be who I normally am which is someone with way too many responsibilities. I am so comfortable where I am that I wouldn't mind staying there forever. Oh how I want to stay there just a little longer. Just a little longer.. but the clock ticks on. I notice every second that clock ticks, because I am where I am not supposed to be. I know I'm breaking every rule. This is what people like me do. We tempt fate. Like we're supposed to disown our own fate.. like fate even exists. I don't believe in fate; I believe we are all accountable. Even me.
I am where I want to be, right there in the moment. Talking.. lots of .. talking. Then touching. Nothing intimate, just friendly. Old pals. Arms rubbing. Knuckles punching. Fingers grazing, interlacing. You're smiling -of course you're smiling. I wonder.. I've known this feeling for so long now, and for so long I've wondered if I made the right choices. I'm not making the right choice now, but it's too late for that. This is not a confession. Remember, this is part of my freakish dream. I can't even describe the longing I feel even when I'm only inches away in this dream. So much of me wants so much of what I can never have and it is so thrashingly painful, if that's even a word. I can only feebly describe this feeling as my heart shaking violently between what feels like canons bursting through me.. because what I want to do and what I can never do will never match up. Two parallels that will never cross. My time will never come. This choice can never be undone. And I keep asking for more of this pain! Why do I keep wanting this dream!?
In my dream we are two friends enjoying eachother's company. We are two friends who've known eachother for so long, and we are completely comfortable. Like home. We are two friends at home. You feel like home to me, and I want to be where you are. You are in my heart always and I love you. I love you every day. You mean more to me than water. I wish I could get inside you, and I wish I could understand you. I wish I could take your pain away and be your guide, your confidante. I wish you could love me. Or be angry with me. Or something. I wish you wouldn't feel so hollow. I wish you wouldn't turn me away. But I turn you away every day. I wish we could be those old friends in the movies. People who trusted eachother until they were wrinkly and wheezing and taking a hundred meds every morning and having to use walkers because we didn't want to stoop to power chairs. People who depended on each other. Two people who felt like home because they were where home was to them. How I feel about you in my dream isn't ever going to be fair to either of us.
I never want to stop having your dream.. our dream. My nightmare. Soon it will end and I'll be sad. But for now it is alive and dangerously passionate. If you go, please be sure to let me sleep because I am already baring this awful pain even when you're not here. But you're always here. You are gone now and I think it's all my fault. This isn't the first time I've had this dream by the way.. but then you've probably already figured that out. I had it years ago and it keeps coming back. Haunting me. Taunting me. Laughing in my face. Telling me I'm not who I think I am. Drowning me. So you see, you have quite an effect. And I am alive because of you. Please.. don't go. Don't go yet. I am desparate for you and you don't even know it. Or maybe you do and that's why you're nowhere now. Doing what's healthy. You're not having my dream. You're not as desparate as I am. I'm so sorry if you're gone for good. This is however.. just a dream.
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