Blessed Rain

I headed out to run my errands just as the rain starting dropping. It's been windy all morning. The garbage cans are knocked over, as are my fake plants that are supposed to decorate my fromt door.. left over from Christmas :-( I think part of me doesn't want to go out on a day like today until the rain starts. I knew it was coming. I went to Michaels and it was still windy and rainy. Raindrops were getting fatter and I put my hair up so the ends wouldn't get soggy. Pony tails tend to get gnarly, okay? I came out of the store and see shoppers running this way and that way as they try to dodge these fat droplets that come at you 20 shots per second. I wanted to waltz in it. I'm wearing light shoes that are supposed to only be worn with dress socks or bare feet. I'm wearing thick socks with them so my feet feel a little scrunched. Nonetheless I loped easily to my car which was only about 15-20 feet away. I could feel every drop as they hit my face in kisses. The wind rustled my hair out of my twist a little bit, and I had to keep pushing it back behind my ear. I unlocked my car, plugged in my iPhone, lights on, wipers on, and backed out so I could hit the second store.

I got to Safeway with my blades going at medium-slow speed. The rain-x treatment is still holding up, so I don't need to wipe as often. I didn't drive quickly, but I didn't lolly-gag either. Again, I felt like dancing in this rain. I got out of my car and walked to the front door carelessly, wishing I had more time and were farther away so I could take longer. The other part of me has more sense.. it knows my shoes couldn't handle water for much longer. I came out of the store after only 5 minutes and stood for a moment. The clouds are the shade of gunmetal. I can still see the effects of strong winds. They're still churning with possibilities of thunder and lightning. My world haults to thunder.. abruptly. I let those fat drops slap my cheeks again and again, just under my eyes on the apples of my cheeks, on my forehead and under my lip. Some hit my lashes and I'm forced to blink. But if I could I'd keep my eyes open for it all. Rain is one of thise miraculous things man simply cannot duplicate, hard as we might try. Rain is sporadic, chaotic. The weatherman can predict it's arrival based on scientific patterns, but they are only predictions -at a percentage. I love this about the rain. And I love that rain is wet. I love that it can be warm or cold. I love standing out in the rain and closing my eyes and feeling that rain. I love watching from a window. It's hard for me to read when it's raining because all I want to do is watch the rain. I want to snuggle up and look on in wonder and amazement. Blessed rain. Oh how I love thee.

I am frustrated.. so I need to write

I have many frustrations right now. My husband lost his job back in January.. at the beginning of the month. Since then we've gone through his last two paychecks, almost all our 401k, and minor paychecks here and there not to mention EDD assistance and my piano money. All for what? My husband has been working on this new company since last summer. I feel he's had nothing to show for his efforts. Ever. Nothing to show for any effort he's ever made on this idea. On any idea. Back when he owned Codifiant he had made no money whatsoever. He was in the red when he sold it to his brother. He even did work for Codifiant after it was sold.. for nothing. He never got paid for his work. And he's not getting paid for his work now. When we were married he didn't have a job. He doesn't know how to make money on his own. He has never made money on his own while he's been with me. It is so frustrating. I feel like he is inadequate. Finances are only the tip of the iceburg.

I don't feel like I have a personal relationship anymore with my husband. I feel like I should go back into therapy. And I'm at a point which I'm not sure I really want to get reacquainted. Everything is about sex nowadays. No one is a virgin anymore. Everyone I grew up with.. most everyone has had sex. Sex complicates things. I believe this is because sex means different things between men and women. My husband tends to feel closer to me after he's had orgasm. I have never felt that way. I don't feel closer to him at all, I only feel a high. I am only filled with endorphins.. the same ones I feel when I accomplish something incredible. Like being able to run faster for longer. Only.. it's a happy high. A jolting, exploding, hit the sun and melt like chocolate high. But it's personal. I don't feel it came from him. I feel it's something my body does with or without him. It's not happiness for me. Sex does not equal happy to me. Sex.. equals ... 'gimme some uh dat..' it used to mean "This feels good.. will he call in the morning? What does it mean to him? Does it mean the same thing?" I should have been asking myself what it really means to me. After I enjoy a night of heavy kissing and petting with a boy all I want to do is be with him thereonafter and wonder if he'll ever do it again. I want to know if it's not a one time deal. I want to feel reassured that it's not the body but the package he wants. Or maybe I want it to be a one time deal. I am 30 years old. I should know what I want by now. I am married with 3 beautiful children. I should be better at wanting things, at knowing what I want. Maybe it's knowing I'll never get what I want, so I stop dreaming of wanting. hmmm..

I am not trying to sound depressive. I am merely expressing my thoughts and trying to make heads and tails of the mess in my brain. I have run out of chat buddies. If my husband isn't working into the wee hours of the morning, he's at a basketball game or orchestra rehearsal. We are not buddies anymore. I vaguely even remember life when we even were buddies. He's .. not me for sure. And I'm not going to try and remember what it was that made me fall in love with him because I think I know the answer. I dont' have one. I love him because he loved me. And he was and is willing to lay everything down for me. But sometimes I wonder what that really means. I know it doesn't mean pampering my each and every whim. I know it doesn't mean he'll truly take care of all my needs. All my needs are sorely not met and have never been met. I need male social interaction.. chatting.. talking. I need to make a connection again, and I'm spent. I do feel lonely.. often. I feel like how I'd see my mother, and frequently, and I'd see the pain and hopelessness in her eyes and wonder if I were doomed to her fate. I remember when I was a teen.. I wrote in my journal that I had so much love to give, if I could just find someone to give it to. I remember praying for someone to love, someone who would love me unconditionally. For me, for who I am inside. Becaus eI grew up feeling worthless on the outside. I mean come on.. my sisters were super-model material. How was I ever to compete? They were all size 6's, hair and makeup always perfect, they always had dates and boyfriends and were kissing in middle school. Me...? After high school.. to a boy who comes from the slums. And he turned out to the best kisser I have ever known. And that boy.. he'll always love me. Even to this day he still loves me and it's a sad story we tell. I don't love him, but I love that kiss. I hate that kiss, too. And every kiss after that. I surely didn't marry my husband for his kissing skills. He has to be the absolute worst kisser ever. Everyone keeps saying I should teach him, or that I should have taught him by now. He doesn't learn. He can't learn something like that from me. He has to want to learn, and I dont' even like kissing him anymore. I don't want to be kissed by him anymore. Ever. It's that bad. I feel trapped in a worst kiss nightmare. hahaha.. maybe because I'm living it. I'm married to it. So I'm frustrated. And I'll post this. Not too many people read this.. if any. Just me.