That Other "Time of the Month"

We all have a hormonal cycle throughout the month I think.. men and women included. At one end of the month we are completely irrational.. angry, then sad.. at the drop of a hat! Then there is the other side of the month when we are craving only one thing.. sex! And right now, ugh. I am not on the irrational side of my cycle. Which means I am only craving.. well, let's just say it's uncomfortable and so confusing! I close my eyes and he is there. And when I'm with him, we're only doing one thing. And there's lots of smiling.. lots of kissing.. lots of tongue.. lots of touching.. it's my happy place. I'm doing okay with the not-chatting I think. I know why.. or at least, I think I know why he can't talk to me right now. I'd like to think his reasons are justifiable, honorable.. I hope he knows that I know this is how it must be. I hope he knows it's a forgivable offense. I can't wait to jump into his arms, if he'll have me! He played his "words" move yesterday.. which also led me to believe I am not completely blocked out of his life, that he still does tend to think of me, even if it's just a little from time to time, when I'm not all up in his business like the annoying girlfriend I was.

I printed out the separation/dissolution forms today hoping to get the process started. They need to be filed and we need to get the ball rolling already. Ben and I had a discussion last night and I absolutely hate the way he talks to me about any idea I have. He seems to think he needs to know how I'm going to support myself when alimony runs out. It's my belief that he doesn't need to know. And it pisses me off that he is pushing to know. I am not his responsibility! The WAY that he talks to me.. I hated him last night. Hated him.. and wanted to tell him how much I hated him. He can never seem to think any idea I have is a good one let alone good enough. He said he's only heard one or two of my ideas in the past three months. I don't want to talk to him about anything and I certainly don't want to open up to him about anything so of COURSE he doesn't know what plans I have. The way he questions what I want to do makes it seem oppositional.. against.. unapproving. When he talks to me, it's not supportive. The questions he asks are not those that make me feel good about myself or the way I think or what I want to do.. the questions he asks are more like "you want to do this? have you thought about this? how come I haven't heard about this? do you know how you're going to do this?" And to any other person I'm sure they would sound innocent enough but to me, when he asks them it seems like he just wants to control my future, my plans.. like he wants to make sure I'm still dependent on him. He wants to live close to his kids but if I'm going to get a profession I'm going to need education since my vocational skills were put on hold while I raised my family.. and am still raising them! Today I gave an idea of me moving in with mom and going to chico state. he might not like it, but I am not going to depend on his family for support. I AM thinking about things. I WILL get out from under his control. I may not have all the answers, but dammit.. I'm done here.