Hopeless .. meaning WITHOUT HOPE. duh.

Dearest love,
Hello! I hadn't written yesterday, but I did think about it.  I haven't been on any social network for the entire week.. well, almost.  Some friends can only reach me via FB, so I've been checking those messages, but other than that my activity has been very minimal.  And there's a reason for this.  I'm too addicted and you don't seem to want me to love you, or ... I don't know anything anymore.  You don't want to talk to me at least.  I think I may try to strike up a conversation tomorrow.  Fingers crossed!  I sent you some bacon.. haha!!  It said someone at your house received it, but you haven't said anything about it.  You probably think it's a ploy to get you to talk to me.  I promise it's not.  I really do wish you well every day.  And ever since I said so I've said a prayer for you every night in earnest.  I love you.  Your heart is closed, and it hurts me.  Every time I see you online it feels like I'm being cut hard and deep, and I don't like to be hurt.  I don't mind waiting, but you said!!!.... you said you'd be content to be my best friend.  You said you were okay with friendship.  This does NOT feel like friendship at ALL!  You came to ME.  You spent all that time convincing ME.  I knew... I always know.. I always end up getting hurt one way or another.  This is why I have to be tough all the time.  This is why I had walls in place.  This is why I didn't want them to be knocked down.  I let you in.  I let you knock them down.  I let it all down.. my guard.. I gave in.  I fell for you.  Every day I tried to express how grateful I was to have someone like you in my life.  Everything about you... I would never take any of it for granted.  Any of it!  I know how it feels to be forgotten, pushed aside.. thought over.. I know how it feels to be ignored.  You're ignoring me now!  And I still want  you.  What does that say about me?  Dear Lord... I am hopeless.  WTH is wrong with me anyway... ?!  ugh.

A Sad Night

To my dearest, the one who holds my heart,
Oh my heart, my sweet love. I cannot believe how sad I am every day.  My happy days are only memories now.  Every night is sealed with tears as I drift into nightmares .. piercing nightmares that only leave me restless when dawn comes.  I am weeping even now.  I feel as though death has shrouded me, like I have been marked and sentenced to ultimate loneliness.  I am undeserving of anyone anymore.  I ... deserve this somehow.  I do not deserve happiness.  And I have every right to cry .. every day, as much as I need.  And although that may sound immature at best, it's the only thing I have anymore.  I have to feel my feelings and not brush them aside or under.  There is no slap of a happy face.  No quick bandage.  No easy fix.  It's been a month since your birthday, and just before then were the beginning of the end of our happy times.  My love, we have no more happy times ahead, do we...?  I think of this often.  If we were somehow to find ourselves together once more at a chance to be intertwined... would I take myself down this path again?  Would I risk feeling this hurt, lost, and alone for I know if I lost you yet again I would not kill myself although the thought has come and gone.  (i still have children)  Even now.. I will not love another.  Better to have loved and lost.. although I understand without pain there can be no pleasure.  Perhaps this is what I deserve for being so unfaithful all those years, for not being true to my heart, for not breaking ties to the one I do not love sooner than I did.  And I know we should have parted ways many years ago.  There is no love in my life now.  My children are only just that.  It is better now if I could feel nothing, if the pain would subside, if I could go numb.  But... I am too passionate to ever be numb.  I find too much glory in the light and the sun and the warmth.  Or at least I used to.  Now everything is only just.. mechanical.  There shall be no more of this.  And when the tears run dry, there will never be another, and no one will be able to break the shell I will have created.  I have never hurt like this before, dear love.  I have never hurt for days upon days that become months.  I have never met anyone who made me so happy and then had the incredible power in one action to take all of it away.  You took my very heart and soul from me.  There are shards still left, silhouettes from shadows I can still make out..memories still fresh, because I cannot let go.  Those few months were the best months I have ever spent with one person in my entire living. I am not yet despairing, for I will not nor will I ever turn my back on God... but I feel like I am cast down and turned away as though I were filth.  No longer cared for by the one I held most dear.

No, the sadness remains.  The tears still run.  The stars do not shine.  And the loneliness birds have made their home in my heart.  Soon they will have laid their stone eggs and I will have no more hope to feel that love anymore.  This is how it feels to be alone... to have nothing left.

Perspective

Dearest Love,
I keep seeing our future, and it doesn't look so bleak.  I worked in my kitchen today preparing bread and cookies so I could deliver them to my friends.  It's a way for me to let them know I want to share what I have with them.  I thought of you and your family as I worked.  I thought of your boys.  They're older than mine.  And together we do make a VERY large family.  Honestly... it doesn't scare me at all.  You have special needs kids, and that doesn't scare me either.  You told me yesterday about how one of your children almost got suspended from school even though there's only one more week to go, because he was caught poking someone else's neck with a pencil.  I always seem to forget you have challenges every day that can't compare even remotely to my own worries.  I came from a large family and I know how easy it can be to accidentally leave someone out, or forget about something, or get wrapped up into life and think it's too much to handle.  I sat on the sidelines in my own family.  I tried not to cause too much grief.  I hardly ever spoke up.  I tried to be happy with what I had, even though the drama and the fireworks were always happening elsewhere.  I grew up kinda homely.. I didn't think I was a very pretty girl, but I know I could develop my talents and try to do good instead of look good or be popular.  Turned out I ended up one of the more popular kids in school because I was always so happy!

I accept challenges.  If I want something badly enough, I know I will do everything I can to get it done.  It's why I keep seeing myself on your doorstep.  Lately that's the image in my head I see the most.  I see myself showing up one day.. unexpectedly.  And I hate that part.. because it's not very courteous, and it's a huge gamble.  What if you were too busy, or not even there!?  I priced out a trip and it would cost me roughly about $800 in plane ticket and $100/day for a room.  I haven't even checked rental cars or food.  But... I know this trip won't be happening .. well.. this year.  Divorce takes at bare minimum 6 months.  Uncontested it should go smoothly especially since we are figuring out how to work out all the division together.  No lawyers.  We are talking about discussing the numbers with a family law facilitator.  And he'd rather I have a decent vocation before he lets me loose, so there has been talking about hanging around until I have at least a degree.  I'm going to be okay.  And I know what I'm doing is what's best.  I don't love him.  I'm appreciating the effort he's putting into not leaving me with nothing.  But it's not going to make any difference whether he stays in the long run or not.  I made a promise to myself.  We're going to get our chance.  You are worth it!

My love.. please don't lose hope.  I told you before.. there are those willing to die for love.  And I am willing to wait and be patient.. for us.  I hope I don't have to die in the name of our love!  But you should know that I would.  I would walk through fire and live in the tundra.. I would sacrifice all that I am for that which I know we could be.  I keep seeing us together, our families.. and okay.. it's crazy.  But we're HAPPY.  You deserve to be happy for all that you've suffered.  You have had a rough life!  And I know.. I KNOW what I want.. and that is to be with you.. to uplift you.. to laugh and cry with you, to be held by you, to become one with you, to sit down together at the end of the day and reflect on all our good and not so good times.. I want you.  Every day.  You're worth it to me.  My eye is on the prize!

I love you.  Thought you should know... :)

That Other "Time of the Month"

We all have a hormonal cycle throughout the month I think.. men and women included. At one end of the month we are completely irrational.. angry, then sad.. at the drop of a hat! Then there is the other side of the month when we are craving only one thing.. sex! And right now, ugh. I am not on the irrational side of my cycle. Which means I am only craving.. well, let's just say it's uncomfortable and so confusing! I close my eyes and he is there. And when I'm with him, we're only doing one thing. And there's lots of smiling.. lots of kissing.. lots of tongue.. lots of touching.. it's my happy place. I'm doing okay with the not-chatting I think. I know why.. or at least, I think I know why he can't talk to me right now. I'd like to think his reasons are justifiable, honorable.. I hope he knows that I know this is how it must be. I hope he knows it's a forgivable offense. I can't wait to jump into his arms, if he'll have me! He played his "words" move yesterday.. which also led me to believe I am not completely blocked out of his life, that he still does tend to think of me, even if it's just a little from time to time, when I'm not all up in his business like the annoying girlfriend I was.

I printed out the separation/dissolution forms today hoping to get the process started. They need to be filed and we need to get the ball rolling already. Ben and I had a discussion last night and I absolutely hate the way he talks to me about any idea I have. He seems to think he needs to know how I'm going to support myself when alimony runs out. It's my belief that he doesn't need to know. And it pisses me off that he is pushing to know. I am not his responsibility! The WAY that he talks to me.. I hated him last night. Hated him.. and wanted to tell him how much I hated him. He can never seem to think any idea I have is a good one let alone good enough. He said he's only heard one or two of my ideas in the past three months. I don't want to talk to him about anything and I certainly don't want to open up to him about anything so of COURSE he doesn't know what plans I have. The way he questions what I want to do makes it seem oppositional.. against.. unapproving. When he talks to me, it's not supportive. The questions he asks are not those that make me feel good about myself or the way I think or what I want to do.. the questions he asks are more like "you want to do this? have you thought about this? how come I haven't heard about this? do you know how you're going to do this?" And to any other person I'm sure they would sound innocent enough but to me, when he asks them it seems like he just wants to control my future, my plans.. like he wants to make sure I'm still dependent on him. He wants to live close to his kids but if I'm going to get a profession I'm going to need education since my vocational skills were put on hold while I raised my family.. and am still raising them! Today I gave an idea of me moving in with mom and going to chico state. he might not like it, but I am not going to depend on his family for support. I AM thinking about things. I WILL get out from under his control. I may not have all the answers, but dammit.. I'm done here.

Ugh. Just.. ugh.

Going to keep this one short today, because i don't want to dwell in unhappy situations. I could NOT get to sleep last night! And I wasn't tossing or turning. My legs weren't jittery. My brain could not turn off. I did try to read, and that did help. I saw an updated picture of your beautiful and stunning face and now I am listless. All I can think about is kissing you! I daydream about it while I'm driving. I think of your long skinny fingers running up and down my arms, giving me goosebumps. I think about you whispering dirty things in my ears and making me shudder at every thought. I think about your soft lips against your gristly beard. I think about touching your face.. that beard, your dark hair.. and I sigh. Because not only do I really get lost in those moments.. it makes me .. uncomfortable. Because of course my mind goes elsewhere! I would LOVE to just wrap my arms and legs around you! And I love every thought that puts your hands on my body.. somewhere.. everywhere! I am completely hopeless at trying to restrain my thoughts. Yesterday I was lead to hope again, small as it might be. I told you how great a smile you truly have. And I believe this with all my heart. I think I have opened that picture a dozen times now and stared at it. Yes, I have issues. And I think about living in a cool climate year round, trudging in the snow, being able to wear a sweatshirt during every month. I love sweatshirts and cool weather. I'm not sure how I will fare without my sunshine.. but at this point I am dying to find out. I am excited at the thought.. me! Excited to live in the snow! Yuck! But it's where you are. And after I told you how great your smile was, you didn't seem put off. In fact, you finally played your new words game with me after I had asked to start it 4 days ago. I need to cool off before I play my turn I think. You gave me all of like three lines of communication yesterday and I'm flying high off of it. "Thanks :)" was one. Ha!! I'm going nutty over a THANKS! WTH is WRONG with me!? So yeah.. gonna wait to take my turn I think. So that I stop acting like an idiot! That movie "Hitch" with Will Smith where he's like a tutor for dudes who fail on dates.. and then he meets a girl he likes and does the same stupid stuff.. not being able to control his talking or walking or any movements ... just not being smooth at all! That's how I feel! Completely stupid! I'm smarter than this... I need to ... back it off maybe. I am glowing with desperation! So .. ugh. I'll figure out how to get a hold of myself.. maybe...

btw, completely in love still. <3 -if you couldn't tell... ;-)

Tough Cookie

Tuesday.
I'm in a weird mood today. I've had time to think. I slept on the couch last night. I am tired of being sad, but I think I still have many sad days yet to come. Today is a sad day. I don't know how to feel about anything. I know I'm really despising Ben right now. I really wish he would not come home anymore.

The thought I've had today is .. all of my sadness that I'm feeling will eventually turn into me putting up walls again. And I won't want to let anyone in. I don't like being hurt so much all the time. I was hurt daily by the one who was supposed to be my best friend. And now he's wondering why he can't be forgiven even thought I've "asked for forgiveness" even thought I don't recall asking. And the person who has been my best friend says no more than 5 words to me at a time every 4th day or so. So what's happened now.. is that I feel alienated and more alone than ever. And I would rather keep my eyes low and not have to deal with new people or smiles or .. any of it. I want nothing new anymore. It's not that I don't want to feel because I am not afraid of my feelings. I accept that this is a sad time. But what it's doing is making me more independent. I can only trust myself. Because in the end I am the only one who can make me be happy. And that's what we all want, right? I am dealing with the daily sadness. Kinda sucks that its affecting my workout performance. I have never not wanted to run no matter what pain my legs would be in. And now I can't even focus on the return after I'm done running.. the part of running that rocks the most. I am down in a pit. And all I have is myself and my beautiful children and the schedules they keep and the successes they feel, the places they need to be and the friends they make and the activities they do. They are my focus. I talked to a friend today and told her about my situation with Ben. She relayed a story about another of her friends who had gone through divorce, how on weekends where she doesn't have her kids she would go and see her boyfriend in Morgan Hill. Boyfriend... significant other? Someone to be with me.. who would want to be with a single mom with 4 children?! I'm going to have an identity back, and I'll get through it all. But seriously.. I'm not going to be in any shape to date or be dated or affectionately admired for quite some time. And that thought occurred to me today. That's what I have to go through now, and I am gladly going to go through it all if it means I do not have to put up a front and lie to myself and to Ben anymore. I can't stay with him. My heart says no. My heart has said no for years. And my head says I can do this. One step at a time, I'm strong and I will find my way. But... today is a sad day for me. Today I wish I had a friend to talk to again. But.. it is what it is.

Monday -just another day

Dearest Love,
Hello again friend! Today is a bright and sunny morning in the bay area of CA! I was able to run a mile this morning before spin class and do it comfortably without too much fatigue.. in 8:40! I was happy to have that accomplishment. I got out and ran 4.2 yesterday at a very slow average pace of 9:50. I am resolved to drink less caffeine so that I can feel more of the effects of my 5hr energy when I take it for running. I think having that boost is more important than chugging whatever I want during the day. And since I'm resolved.. by golly I'm going to do it!

I learned this morning that a friend of mine has recently and unexpectedly died leaving behind a husband and two darling daughters. I knew this woman and tried not to face the reality that it was in fact her. I met her at spin class years ago. I discovered her children went to the same school as my children, and last year or the year before her children signed up for the same swim team as our family. I think when someone passes away it gives the rest of us a chance to really reflect on the most important things in life and to make sure we aren't taking them for granted. I did think of you this morning and all this time I seem to be wasting not telling you every single day how much I love you and how much better you've made me. I would think you'd appreciate the sentiment however... I am afraid that every time I do I offend you and you are the last person I ever want to offend. So I am restraining myself. I wish i could say that I'm living life to the fullest, that I'm taking every opportunity at being someone great and respectful, honest and virtuous. I am incomplete though. I am a good person all by myself. I do great things. I am disciplined. I get the job done. I ask for help when I need help. I want to aspire! I know there are better things.. more things to know about, more books to read, more skills to acquire.. but I think importantly there are people to love. And there are those people out there who might share love with you and make you a better person by sharing that feeling.

You had mentioned living alone as a hermit for the rest of your days as your boys have grown and become more independent. I think this is not the way life should be lived. I think we were created so that we could bond together and instinctively love one another. And how can you love someone when you live alone? We were not meant to be alone. I think our divine purpose is to be together and learn from each other and LOVE. I think when we care about each other and let each other know, it makes us happier and if we are happier.. I think that makes us better people. I still agree that we are not two halves that make a whole. I think we are more like 1+1=awesome. And I still believe we could be awesome.

Today I have to get to Costco. My phone keeps crapping out on me! It's not faring so well with damp conditions IE I keep tucking it into my sport bra when I run and it may be damaging it more than I want to acknowledge. I also am wondering today.. if there are any customer service positions I could do at home to make a little extra $$. I wonder where I could even research that and not be scammed. Things to think about ... hmmm. I have packed on a few lbs and I'm not happy about it, so I'm going to try and be better this week. And by better I mean more water, fewer white breads/unnecessary sugars, smaller quantities all around. Also.. I think I need to keep playing piano since I was released from my organist position in the church. I think having done it every Sunday has helped keep my technique for legato strong.. and I don't want to falter. Gotta keep my skills sharpened! Other than these things.. and laundry to fold, carpets to vacuum.. life is kinda mellow today.

I hope your weekend went well. Yesterday -Mother's Day- came and went. I had my egg white breakfast with cocoa, did some reading, didn't do any folding, cut up fruit and enjoyed having my family over for a birthday visit. I played tetris with Mark .. something I haven't done forever and oh, how I've missed it. He and Dawnette will be leaving for Irvine soon, and they'll be gone for at least a year. They leave within a month I believe. Sad! Life moves on. And I'm glad we are family. I will always keep them close. Like I wish I could be with you.. but you are to me anyway. I keep you close to my heart and wish and hope for better days. I thought when spring came it would bring you out of your "winter cave.." And even then I don't think I appreciated enough the time I spent with you however hard I did try. I tried to let you know how much you meant to me every day. I miss those days. Thank you for giving them to me! I love you and I wish you well, dear friend.

Practice Letter

Dear Dan,
Hello!

*tap, tap* Hmm.. not sure how to begin..

I guess anywhere is as good a spot as any to start, eh? Here goes..

I have had a lot of time to think. I hope I have given you adequate space as you requested. I intend to continue to keep an arm's length because it is as you wish. And now I know I need to choose my words wisely.. with concision. (tact = not my best characteristic btw)

If you are wondering where I stand.. hmm.. let me begin by stating some facts. CA state law requires a minimum 6 month cooling off period between the date you file for divorce and finalizing the divorce. When filing for separation however, the effects are almost immediate. You can divide assets/property and arrange custody and alimony payments during the separation. Ben got his own bank account this past week and has researched that he can directly deposit payments into my bank account instead of having to write any checks. He has continued to seek counseling. I have not followed him on that path. And so we are going forward. You used to be my best friend, and I used to be able to feel comfortable telling you anything and everything no matter the hour. So .. because you might be concerned.. I thought I would update you at least. I also got tired of him 'liking' my stuff.. because he hasn't listened when I told him that it was unwelcome. So yesterday I restricted his profile.

You previously questioned my motives regarding my decision, hoping it was not solely for your benefit and our relationship. He has taken full responsibility for my distance. I think it was you who gave the analogy of a gaping hole in a relationship, where if you find it soon enough you might be able to bridge the gap. And mine and his gap was too big to bridge. You saw it. He realizes it now. I was already gone by the time I told him what I wanted. He still doesn't understand why my decision is so final. I have wasted so many unhappy years .. good years!.. of my young life trying to be someone I don't want to be. I don't want to be his wife anymore. I don't want to stay faithful to him. I haven't wanted to stay faithful to him and I've been this way without having voiced it for a good half a decade. Do you know how liberating it is to be able to tell the truth.. to finally be honest?! And I don't want to stay here because he kept walking away. The counselor called him "passive agressive." He knew he kept walking away from me. I wasn't important enough for him to deal with me head on. My feelings were no longer being considered. He's now seen this and is trying to abide by my wishes now to move out. He's had his name in to two apartments and was declined by one for credit issues. I'm trying not to make him any more angry but really ... I would pack up all his things and leave them outside if I could. But... I'd rather we work out the finances than have a judge demand them. We actually can work it all out without lawyers. We may need a family law facilitator -they are free and can tell us separately (or together) the same thing so that we always have the same information. They can help with the numbers so everything is fair. Too much damage has been done and been overlooked. There has been too much of the walking away. I've been ignored for way too long. I'm not about to spend another 10 years with someone who feels he has to make an incredible effort to put into a relationship as much as he receives. We realized we were both naive. So you see.. it was not you at all. It was a long time coming. As far as I'm concerned you were an innocent bystander.

I've been writing my thoughts out in my blog daily and came to a conclusion the other day. I wanted to share my thought with you. I went back to the beginning, when we were both first attracted. I hadn't felt that way in a very long time. It was exciting for me! I had felt attractions before.. but this .. what you did.. how you made me feel..? You spoke straight to my heart (as corny as that sounds). And you may have been attracted to my face first, but I was attracted to your personality first. It's what shines the brightest and will last the longest. I came to love and adore you as I got to know you... I LOVE your face now like you wouldn't believe! You said before how you put your whole heart into something.. I did/do too.

I wanted to reflect on my favorite verse. You know the one.. Upon re-reading I think I overlooked something.. I kept reading what I wanted to read and not enough of what you were trying to say. You want to be that man of honor. And I think that's maybe why you aren't feeling the same now. Why you're not .. 'twitterpated' the way you were. You don't want to be in the middle. You don't want to feel like the cause. You had said you wanted me for yourself if Ben and I chose the path of divorce. You also said you'd be content to be my best friend until that day came. (I think right now you're making sure you're not the cause by taking yourself out of my equation altogether.) Then came that "dark day" -nothing made sense directly after that. I was in a different frame of thinking. And then you said you could no longer make any more promises. I'm not expecting you to make any promises to me now. I know you're an honorable man. I know you're a very desirable man. I am hoping you're still available when I am able to be courted again.. physically and emotionally. You deserve a woman who will stand by you and uplift you and support you in all that you do. You deserve someone who will bring joy and laughter and love to your family. You deserve someone who recognizes and appreciates hard work and sacrifice. And I think I could be that someone. I have never known anyone like you. You're incredibly smart. And strong. You're thoughtful and considerate. You take care and get the job done. Regarding me.. you knew friendship was the first thing we should develop. And I did fight to break through that on occasion.. Of course I tried to push past! I have instincts.. but then I stopped making those unhealthy desires (since I was the married one) and trusted that our time would come. I still think our time will come. And I look forward to it eagerly.

I still don't regret telling you that I love you. Because.. I still love you today. And I realize my love might possibly be unrequited. I still have those peaceful dreams where we were once bonded together. I'm sorry if this upsets you. I suppose my desire to tell you these things is to let you know you still have someone who cares about you who's NOT a member of your family anyway. (ok, ok.. you may already have friends who do care deeply for you.. I contend to think I care the most!) And I can't stop caring for you. I never want to. I don't look at anyone else.. I don't even think about looking at anyone else. I look forward to meeting you! And I know that day will probably take a year to get here :( I'm willing to wait for however long it takes. I will be jumping at the chance to meet you when that day comes.

Thank you for letting me speak my peace, even if this does fall on deaf ears. I love you. I'm already a changed and MUCH better person because of YOU. Thank you for having touched my life in unspeakable ways. I love you and I am thinking of you always.

I Would Give It All Up

Penny for my thoughts I know, since I have so many and they all seem to revolve around the same thing..

I'm going to do a very bold and perhaps un-wise thing tonight.. I'm going to send you a message. And it may prove how unrequited this really is, but at this point I feel like you are already lost so.. what else have I got to lose? I have seriously never felt this way ever. I'm hopefully going to keep today's post short because even I am getting sick of reading and writing the same damn thing, but.. I've never cried into my pillow every night for one person. Before you came along I never had a friend who gave so much of their time to me. I never felt so selfish with anyone or wanted to be that selfish with anyone. I never wanted to be more truthful or faithful to any one person. I have only ever competed with myself for greatness, but since I've known you I've wanted to be even better.

I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to include in my message to you. I know I want to tell you I love you. That you are not lost to me, that I realize I may love you without reciprocation. I want to tell you how important you are, how someone out there still cares for you. I want you to know it was definitely not for nothing! My process right now takes time and it is frustrating to me, but I'm getting through it. I remember we joked about thinking we wanted to make things official within the space of 4-5 years.. I am thinking of it as speeding the process, and this way it'll give me more time to save my pennies before I make my northern trek. No, I don't think I want to mention that part. I don't want to offend you so I don't know what you'll think of as repulse you. I don't understand how you could feel so strongly for me and then completely against me within the space of days. My necklace -your trophy and mark of a true sniper shot- is still my number 1 possession. And I still hold onto it before I go to sleep each night. It's my security. And it's so small.. but nothing else has ever meant so much, not even my engagement or wedding ring. I hate ever having to take it off. So I try not to!

Your current profile picture is your dime.. and my hand holding it. And your cover photo is a beautiful snowy evergreen... both of which are my favorite things/pictures. I know I've said I'm scared to death of sub-freezing temperatures. I'm more afraid of never being close to you ever again. I would give up ever going to Disneyland ever again. I would give up my sunny California. I would give up seeing my family regularly. I would give it all up for you. When I think about the things that make life comfortable.. livable.. things I don't think I could live without.. (because I have thought on this a lot!) nothing means more to me than what I had with you. The way we were is the way it should be between two people. Complete honesty, trust, friendship. It may not have seemed to you like I trusted you .. but I did. And I still do. I have to be honest with my heart now. I don't want to live this way. I don't want to stay married to someone I haven't loved. How could you want me to stay like this anyway? I don't know why you're upset with me still. I don't know why we can't be good friends. I don't know why you're upset with me, closed off to me all the time. I have theories. But for now that's all they are.

I love you. I'd tell you every day if I could. Incredibly.. sincerely, and completely.

Possibiities

Dearest Love,
You already know I think about you every day.. or, maybe you don't. But anyway, today I've thought over some 'tough apples to swallow.' An ex-boyfriend of mine replied when I told him about us that perhaps you only found me most attractive when I was unattainable. (I needed an outsider's opinion, okay? And maybe he was the wrong one to ask, but I have no one. I.. have no one. He is a dork and deserves to be divorced. I broke up with him back in college and am still glad to this day that I was the empowered one and walked away when I did!) I immediately thought that his idea was absurd. However... it did make me think if it were a possibility his statement might have some truth. You have chosen to have almost zero contact with me now. Why is that? Is it because I'm married still? Is it because you are completely turned off by me? Can you really bring yourself never to trust me again? Did you really think I wanted to get caught? Did you think maybe our entire relationship was a lie just so that I could throw some light on my husband's eyes, to get him to wake up and acknowledge me? Do you really think I want to stay married to him?! After all we've been through, all we've talked about..? Did you think I was only taking advantage of you, and did you think all I wanted out of you was attention for the here and now? I thought you could give me more credit than that.. don't you know me? And how you have completely blown me away? Ohh.. Au contraire if you think otherwise. I fell in love! I love YOU. And now I feel abandoned. I am in an hour of need, and you don't trust me.. yet I need you. Only you. Always you. Forever you. I need you to hold my hand and tell me I'll be okay.. okay, I don't *need* that.. but I wantit. I want you to be assured about my feelings toward you. When I talk about you (to myself of course!) and when I think about you.. I know our relationship has only been talking. But I don't think about the words when I'm writing to you. I see your face. Actually.. haha.. I see the face of the man who tried to scare me off when he said that image was him at his worst. I think it was kinda funny that that picture was sent to me at 2am when I was already blurry eyed but wanted to know you were still there. And you were. Wow, we spent a lot of midnights talking together and getting closer. Oh how I long for those days! My faith does waver because I haven't heard much from you at all. I don't know what the future holds. I do know what I want. And I want you. I want to be with you. I want you to come home to me and I want to be held in your embrace at the end of each day. I want you to know there will never be anyone for me but you. I did say that my faith does waver... but not enough for me to go searching for anything or anyone else. This is why I've reverted to writing here daily. I need to be with you, and this is the only place where I know I can do that. I don't know if we'll get back to where we were. That scares me. I have never done this before. I was always the girl who never got what she wanted. I was always the one who was overlooked. I was the girl no one wanted. I feel like that girl again.

Mother's Day is this weekend. And already I'm in tears over it. Okay, it's selfish of me to think this.. because Mother's Day is about rejoicing in motherhood and being thankful for my blessings as a mother, that I have 4 beautiful children who love me and I love them. They bring light to my days and give me more happiness than I could ever conjure on my own. They make me laugh and help me to be better. They are reflections of myself. I can see that they love. I see when they are hurt. When I look at them I don't see myself ... I see fun-loving boys and I want to make sure they feel like successes, that they feel like champions.. that they can be self-reliant and feel it for themselves how much power they have, and I hope they choose to use their power for good. I hope they are able to see the needs of others. I hope that they are sensitive enough to know when others need them. I hope they speak up when they need something. My selfish part is saying the man that I love doesn't tell me he loves me anymore, so I don't know if he does or if he ever will. And the man I want out of my house would probably buy anything I asked for, do anything I wanted him to do.. and I want him to do nothing. I don't want to see him at all. He's done nothing but made me feel more alone in my own family day after day.. his neglect has left a gaping hole in my chest, and I've tried to fill it on my own. Nothing covers it quite fully.. So while I should be rejoicing in motherhood.. what I want is .. far, far, far from my grasp. I'm desperately in love and I can't do a damn thing about it.

Maybe this is why I love Mondays. Just let it be over. So I can get back to work.

Refusal to Acknowledge

Dearest Love,
Sometimes it's better to live in ignorance. Because it means I wouldn't be accountable. Since yesterday I've felt better and I've felt worse. I've felt an 'un-clicking' of sorts on my heart and yet.. I seem to be refusing the fact that there is a possibility you're over and done with me .. once and for all. What a scary thought! But.. what am I to do with you in this situation? You asked for space and I feel like I've given you plenty of space. I'll continue on this path as well.. since it seems to be what you need. I am trusting you'll let me know when you want to be friends again, because even though you said you could handle friendship right now you seem to be handling it just as well as I am.

I want you in my life for always and I feel like the only way I can do that is to abide by your wishes. I certainly don't want to make you uncomfortable. So I certainly don't want to start drilling in on all these unanswered questions because I know it will only push you farther away. You are on my mind night and day and at all times in between, as you have been since the beginning. The only updates I have to offer now are those of my thoughts and wishes and fantasies and dreams. I feel so far away. I cried again today. It's been more than 6 weeks and my heart has not even started to heal.

It's true, I'm not ending my marriage because of you. I think though that the biggest thing weighing on me is that I can't even be friends with you right now. I'm taking a chance here, and it's the best option for me anyway. If there's a chance I can have what I had before with you.. even a fraction of it!... what I'm going through right now, this daily sorrow and heaviness on my heart, missing you by the minute.. this pain beyond any other.. is worth it. You are worth everything to me. You re-arranged my universe and suddenly I could see was you. Even now.. all I can still see is you.

I dreamed today of kissing you! Kissing you is my favorite. You'd smile at me and our faces would meet, I'd see your perfect grin and your happy eyes just.. shining so brightly. I'd feel your fingertips at my face. We look at each other for what seems like hours! And your touch is so gentle. YOU are my favorite dream, and if I never dream another dream again I would almost be in heaven. Because it would be torture to not feel that for real. This has to be real. What I feel about you is real. What I want is absolutely real. And if I come out on the other side -divorced and single- and you really don't want me anymore.. I will most certainly live out my life on my own with my children and do my best to enrich their lives to my best ability. There would be no healing for my heart. And I wouldn't want to end my life.. oh no. I would want to live my life to the fullest and do the best I could. I think you were sent to me by heavenly authority, because you have forever changed my life for good and I know that even without you (which would be tragic!) I know I would still want to enjoy all that is yet to come. I can live by your side as your queen, or I can go on without you and do the best I know how.

I love you. More than ever. And I'll wait for you.

Back to the Beginning

Dearest Love,
I know for me at least these are hard times. I like to think I know why, and it stems back from the beginning, my favorite verse written by you! I've had many discussions with myself (since I have no one else to talk these things out with) and it may have taken me a while, but I think I have some theories. Your famous verse.. for reference I'll include it here:

You're still beautiful. Now that I've cooled down some...whew. Im sorry for allowing things [to get] out of hand last night. I've come to cherish you. I enjoy our chats and love our friendship. I don't know if I could live with myself, however, if I somehow contributed to the end of your marriage. I will be here for you, always! But I don't want to be the cause. If things don't work out...I want you for myself. Im kinda selfish, I guess. You are a very desirable woman. I could see myself happy with you. Especially if we were there to lift each other up and encourage one another. I look at you and want to better myself. I know that with you beside me...wow. I could take on anything and win. But if that is to be, I want it to be the beginning of something beautiful, and not as the end of something bad. If that makes sense. I know the difference between right and wrong. And I think you'd rather I be the kind of person who does right by you. I don't EVER want to do wrong to you. Isn't that what you'd want for us? I think it is. Don't be upset, sad or unhappy. Please? You want to be with a man of honor, right? That'd what I want to be. I'm not going anywhere, and if things work out the way I know *I* want them to...you are so worth waiting for. I can wait for 10 years for an extraordinary woman like you, if necessary. I've never met a woman I would say that of before. I am so content to be your best friend until that day comes. Noone else is worth that to me. Nobody but you. Im getting drowsy now...please don't go away...let me know how you think of all this...we want to do things the right way, don't we?
But ultimately, because you are the married one, that decision is yours. I know what I want. And I feel like a selfish @$$#ole for it. But only you can decide how you want things to go.
Happily yours and waiting if you want me

I like to believe you are a standing foundation, someone who is strong and steadfast to the winds of change, someone who thinks only one way and doesn't ever waver. When I first read this I was giddy with pride, beaming at your compliments of beauty and love and admiration. But this verse has so many levels of understanding! I believe in this person. And I don't want to do wrong to him the way I feel I have. And that's just been in my recent thinking.. because I'm selfish and sometimes petty and need different points of view if I'm to understand someone else's perception. I've had to figure things out on my own .. and it hasn't been easy. But what I've heard say is: they never said it would be easy. They only said it'd be worth it. And the love I've felt is worth waiting for, worth fighting for.

Some things I've learned after taking a look at them from a different light..

I want it to be the beginning of something beautiful, and not as the end of something bad.

What I'm going through now, with my ending marriage, is something I have to do on my own. And I know you didn't want to be the cause. You don't want me to leave my husband solely for you. I will proclaim to my dying day that I am not leaving my husband for anyone but my own accords. My marriage has been failing for over half a decade. We don't listen to each other. We're not patient enough. We walk away too easily. We don't think enough about each other's feelings... meaning we're not sensitive enough. We haven't worked out. I've been living a fake life with my fake marriage pretending it will work out eventually.. but .. I never wanted to try and figure out what that was, only that it wasn't anything good. So I'm finally being honest... to myself and to him. He knows it's true. He's actually trying to make changes. He sees how incredible I am and what a loss it would be to him if I were no longer a part of his life. The truth is we haven't been successful as friends or lovers. We haven't trusted one another. We haven't leaned on one another. We haven't strengthened each other. I don't learn from him. I'm not inspired by him to serve him or to love. All these things though I feel in you. I know now that what I should have had all along.. what comes from dreams is what we could have if we were allowed to flourish.

I know the difference between right and wrong. And I think you'd rather I be the kind of person who does right by you.

You want to be with a man of honor, right? That'd what I want to be. I'm not going anywhere, and if things work out the way I know *I* want them to...you are so worth waiting for.

I also know the difference between right and wrong. I know what it's like to hurt and be hurt. I want to be sensitive to the needs of those I love. What I know, what I've learned is that you are incredibly honorable. I keep thinking about the last line.. about you being a selfish @$$#ole.. and there have been times when I've wondered what happened to that selfishness. Take me now already! But really.. the more important side of you, the side I am completely swept by.. the part that holds my heart captive is this honorable man I don't even feel worthy of to be around! And you were attracted to ME?! Your honor is what you take most pride in. I recall joking about you not telling me my friends would be moving closer to you which would have made it easier for me to do the same when the time called. You took offense. Seriously. And it broke my heart to think I had taken your vow of honor lightly. I never want to take lightly the things you hold sacred ever again. So when you say you are true and honest and have virtue.. I hold you to it. Because these things are more than a promise to yourself and to others. They are second nature to you. You've made them part of your character. While I'm entirely thankful to heaven for sending you to me, I'm also thankful you're not being the selfish @$$#ole you think you are but instead are showing respect and honor .. at least, this is what I've concluded from what I've learned. You've tried to teach all these things to me. I hope that I'm learning more now. This is what I want.. eventually. But first things first.

You are not a part of my upcoming divorce, my love. At all. And I feel like I know a little more about why you need all this space and distance. I've needed to talk it out somewhere and have had no where to turn. My blog now is the best I've got.. You're trying not to be a part of 'my drama' as much as possible. You ARE that honorable man. And you want to do things the right way and not the home-wrecking way. I can't read your mind or know what you're thinking. And since you're a guy you don't want to sit around and talk about your feelings. I'm going to stop feeling sorry for myself and for us, and I'm going to stop wondering where our relationship/best-friendship went. I'm going to finish what I started here before I can move onto .. whatever comes afterward. I know it's the right thing to do. If your're still "Happily mine and waiting if I want you.." .. then I suppose we'll already have a head's start when we are actually able to have that relationship again... the right way. I know no one else has made me happier in my mind or in my heart than you. I never had such an amazing best friend in all my life. I thought I could only count on myself until you brightened my life, as corny as that sounds. I have the conviction that says you're it.. you're the last person I'll ever want to hold hands with or watch the stars with.. I may have not been so honorable, but now I have that conviction. I haven't wanted to stay faithful in my marriage because I haven't felt that conviction .. for so long now. I forgot what it was supposed to feel like to want to be honest and true to one person and one person only. I have never even seen your face with my own eyes, but I KNOW. You are where I want to be. I have hopes and dreams of so many better tomorrows. I know the best things come line upon line, precept upon precept. I know you have tried to drill patience into me every day. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me. And I want to make sure I return the good you've done toward me by doing what I need to do here.. before I go and do anything else. It's more than just keeping me safe.. it's everything in turn.

My Resume

I know I already posted today. I have had many thoughts and have become inspired to write them down. I think of you always, so to me it is natural. Until deemed crazy..

I want to explain why I think I would be a good candidate for your life partner. I think we still don't know enough about each other to really know what makes us tick. I think we've had a small taste, and I think so many good things are yet to come. I am a naturally happy person all on my own. I have always been this way. I am independent to a fault. I know that if I can rely on anyone it's myself. I trust myself completely. I know I can get any job done because I know I am the type of person with the determination to finish whatever I start.

I am compassionate. I love my children. I love reading to them. Right now I'm reading "A Tale of Two Cities" to Tyler. I've never read it and was delighted when he showed interest. So we're reading it together. I read to Jonah every night until he reached about 1st or 2nd grade.. when he could read on his own. I am responsible. I am the one who picks them up and drops them off for school and swimming, and I'm at every swim meet cheering them on and yelling until I lose my voice. I'll make an idiot of myself! Carting all the kids to swim meets is actually quite a hassle, but I've done it because I know they love it. It's not about me. I like to think I have selfless qualities. I came to my friends' need in the middle of the night.. she had to take her husband to the ER and I stayed on her couch and watched over her children. I bring meals to friends after they've had babies and need a break. I plan on doing the same for Risa when she has her baby.

I am honest and true. I am obedient. I show my respect. I have an open heart and an open mind. I know how to listen. I care deeply for those who are close to me. I push myself beyond my limits. When it comes to others I would lay my life on the line. I would do for them what they couldn't do for themselves. I am always desiring to learn. I am not a fast reader, but I believe it's because I have too colorful an imagination. When I read I need to see everything I'm reading.. and I look at everything there is to see. I take delight in every little thing, because I believe when we reflect on the big things in life, they were really just the little things at the time. I am certain I was born with the nature to nurture. When I was 11 my youngest brother was born and I took care of him, watched over him.. changed his diaper, gave him his bottle, put him down for a nap, rocked him to sleep. I was not the pretty girl or the popular girl as I grew. My sisters were the real beauties of the family, so I decided to develop my talents instead. I learned to bake, and I practiced piano. I crocheted. I was boring! But these skills prove useful to me now, because they helped build who I am today. And I am proud of who I am. I care. I feel. I cry. I sing and I dance. I take time out for myself. I am passionate! I put my whole heart into everything I do. I like when things look nice and orderly. I can't stand it when I smell something foul. I would rather err on the side of caution, which is why I take it slowly when I bike downhill. Ah, but I do love to fly when I am confident enough to pick up some speed.

I have endearing qualities.. I know I could be a huge asset. I don't normally complain. I can hold my own. I look at things logically, and I am slow to anger. I am not physically aggressive.. in fact, I am not really verbally aggressive either. I try not to curse and when I do i try not to do it in front of children. I have manners and I use them. I listen when others are speaking, and when I need to I raise my hand when I want to speak. I don't back away when issues need a resolution. I fight for what I believe in. I believe family values and game nights are essential. I believe self worth is more important than self image. I believe developing talents and skills are more important than developing better skin tone or softer, shinier hair. I believe in living in analog lifestyle opposed to one surrounded by the digital arena. I believe in a healthy and diverse education. I love to indulge in a good fantasy book or romance novel.. hopefully one without a lot of smut. I hope my children will learn values are more important than peer approval. I hope they see their successes and build upon them. I hope that where they are weak they will not get down on themselves. I hope my children will teach their children the more important things in life. I hope they go to church.

I believe in taking hikes once in a while. I definitely believe in waterfalls and rainbows. I believe dreams are essential. I also believe hard work pays off. I believe it's good to play dress up once in a while. I believe in movie night. And I believe pizza goes with movie night. I believe in hot summer nights and popcicles and laughing at babies while they make a mess of it.. and the 4th of July with fireworks and sparklers and The Stars and Stripes Forever, barbequed hot dogs and tables full of pot luck dishes, kids riding bikes in the street and neighbors getting up into each other's business. Slip n Slides and sleepovers.. and then.. I love when the seasons change.

Autumn is my favorite of course. It's the time of year when summer ends and the world starts to cool off. We can start wearing sweaters and scarves again, and the rain comes. People start lighting fires in their fireplaces and the smell of burning wafts in the air. Fields are harvested, gourds are a-plenty.. and salads are no more! The world is at its most beautiful and natural decoration .. when the leaves turn! ...with reds and golds and browns and yellows and oranges lining every street. The sun sets earlier and it's darker for longer. Where I live the fog starts to come in. Running is surely more comfortable. School starts up again, and the house is more quiet. Preparations are made for upcoming holidays. Autumn is that time of year when I reflect the most on what I love about life. I can make my cocoa with mini marshmallows, and I bake more because the smell is so rich and welcoming, and I love it when I can share those goods with friends and family. I love taking walks in the autumn time. The breezes are cooler. We have a purpose in life again after a fun-filled summer. Work carries on. It's a time for growing up and growing closer, holding those we love a little tighter, noticing those little things and keeping them in our hearts a little longer.

So.. I'm a fun loving girl. I'm nice, too. I care about others. I take care of those that I love. I love what I do and I have a passion for those little things in life. I notice them. I'm romantic. I want to live smart, not unhappily, not rich.. not glamorously. I want to sing and dance my own way. And if I'm judged then I'm judged. I try not to get down on myself and I definitely don't get down on others. Family is important. But getting trampled on is not okay.

See me. Please. I've always been who I am. I just know more today than I did. My character will always be .. me :-) And I'll love you for always.

Mondays Are Always Fresh

Dearest Love,
I love Mondays! My favorite movies as a girl were the "Anne of Green Gables/Anne of Avonlea" shows (turned out to be books I later discovered!) and one of the lines I love most is from Anne's favorite professor Miss Stacey. She told Anne, "Tomorrow is always fresh.. with no mistakes in it (yet..)." And even though Anne was always letting her curiosity get the better of her.. and even though Anne always found herself in trouble with one person or many, Miss Stacey was there to give her hope and instruction.. direction. Anne was a firey girl, one who inspired me. She would read and learn and ask questions and do what she wanted to do. She only needed one truly good friend. She didn't need to be glamorous. She respected her elders and made many mistakes. She would say what she felt, and mostly she would feel as though she excelled when she put her determined spirit to what she did. She was fierce. So.. I feel like Mondays are like the proverbial "tomorrow" where it's the real beginning of the week and it's a fresh start to the work that lies ahead. I love Mondays and I face them headstrong. Today I did give myself a break and slept in since I ran many miles yesterday. I went to the gym and did a mini-workout.. no running. My calves are still a bit sore and stretched tightly, so I thought I'd give them a break. I don't give my body the break it needs often, and I should do that more so that I can feel better all around. I don't want to excel at one thing.. I want to feel good about all that I do.

I'm one step closer to closing my deal. Today I told Dawnette and Mark about my upcoming divorce. Dawnette was completely supportive. Mark is understanding. They are my family and I love them, and they should know but I don't want to completely fall on them when I am down. I don't see myself getting down all that much actually. I feel like this was a long time coming. I feel like all the changes that are being made now are in vain. I'm glad he's feeling happier about himself, and angry as well because I feel like so many years have been wasted. I'm changed now. I don't want him touching me at all. I think he gets that. He thinks I appreciate small gestures. They mostly make me shudder. I can't wait for it to be over.. that can't happen soon enough.

Sweet love, you are still behind my eyes whenever I close them. Your face is the one I see in my dreams. Your long slender fingers caressing my skin.. your lips at my neck and on my shoulders.. your hands at my back, holding me at my waist, keeping me close.. these are more than just dreams or fantasies to me. These are hopefully the future! You are so much to me. Your smile warms my heart.. and the thought of YOUR touch gives me a different kind of shudder, one that makes my eyes gleam and my lip quiver. I catch myself day dreaming of you often, and I smile when I think no one is looking. My heart is yours if you would take it. I give it to you freely.

You could say, dear love, that right now I'm in a state of denial. I don't want to believe what we had is lost forever. I know what we had .. I've never experienced or witnessed. There is so much we can learn from each other ... together. There is so much strength left to build, so much love yet to give, so much hope yet to feel. I do hope and I hope often that when we meet it will be as though my transgressions were washed clean. I know I'm not worthy of you, but I hope that you could give me the chance our whole lifetime through to make it up to you daily. I doubt that forgiveness will be instantaneous.. but I think when I see you for the first time it will be something awe-striking. I will have dreamt of the moment for nigh on every day out of a year or more. I can still see myself looking upon you for minutes that would seem to drag on for centuries. When I look on you for the first time, I want to make sure I am looking long enough to memorize every curve, every line.. every inch of your face.. the way your mouth turns up when you smile, the way your eyes smile with glee, the way your hair curls upward and then loping down.. the way your stubble can't seem to hold itself at bay for 10 seconds.. haha. The way you stand and the way you hold your arms.. the way you walk.. what you'd want to do first.. All I would want would be to mold myself into you. I want to see you standing in front of me.. I want to take in that moment, because there will be only one first time. I think about it a lot. I would want you to know my smile is genuine, and it glows from my soul and would say to you, "This is only the beginning.. let our forever now begin." When you see me for the first time, I hope it is as magical and unforgettable as I hope it will be for me. My heart pounds at the thought.

Love Unrequited

Dearest Love,
Today was race day! I can't get over the fact that my body is so retarded.. every time I run a half marathon my legs cramp! It never happens during training.. granted I hardly ever run 13 miles during training. I suppose if I really wanted to get better at these I would increase my mileage so my body would be more prepared. Lately I've been tired and admittedly depressed. I cried last night. I lost you, and it's affecting the way I do everything. I'm tired and unmotivated. I'm trying every day to defeat the sorrow. It isn't easy.

I wish I could earn back your trust somehow. I want to be true to my heart, and my heart lies with you. I want so badly.. for so many things. I wish you could see me again. I wish you could see that I am different, that I am willing to sacrifice. I never wanted to be the cause of your sorrow, and yet.. I don't even know if you feel any sorrow. Do you still care for me at all? I wish I could know.. I wish you would talk to me, and I wish we could be free to be at least friends once more. I can only make assumptions. Waiting is the best I can do right now, because I don't want to be burdensome and I definitely don't want to add undue pressure. None of this was your fault, and you know that. Yes, you were right. You're always right. And because of it I feel like I now I have to pay the ultimate price.. by not having you by my side anymore and not knowing what I can do to ease your pain.. if there is any. I wish you could really know that I meant no harm. I don't know how to get you back if I can get you back at all. I will find myself nearer to you when all is done, so if anything we'll be neighbors. I am determined to get there and I know I can make at least that much happen. I want you to see who I am. I'm not the horrible person you may think I am for seemingly having allowed myself to get caught.

I think of you so often. I can't let you go. I don't want to let you go, and I hope I never have to let you go. It hurts my heart every day not to have you near me. I can only think selfishly at this point, because ... because you aren't letting me in. You have your reasons, and again I can only assume what they are. I have done my best to commit every picture I have seem of you to memory. And I try not to dwell on your online pictures. This kind of love cannot be healthy. Love unrequited is .. surely something to laugh at looking from the outside. I must seem truly pathetic to be hitching all my stars to this wagon. But I know it was once there. And I know that my heart is lost. I know it WAS there. I don't know what the future will hold. I have a dream though.. it's the same dream we had together. My suffering now by being without your attention and affection is worth it if I can have even a chance to get it again when the timing is .. better. We had 5 1/2 months to develop our friendship and I have come to care for you so strongly. I would still fly to you at your request, if you requested it even now.. especially even now. I told you once that you had me bewitched.. this is still true. The love I once had for you still glows within my countenance. It's given me so much strength and confidence .. even now after you're gone it's still holding strong to me, your words -what I remember anyway- still uplift and encourage me. You wished our flare would never die or fizzle. It hasn't in me. I will bide my time. I hope .. I hope you will see me once again.. I hope you will know, I never stopped loving you.

O Little Town of Bethlehem

"O little town of Bethlehem, how still we see thee lie..."




Earlier today I was accused of being a coward ..and I'm not so..

.... I love you.


-I can't breathe-


*whispers* I love you, too..


Now I know what you mean about not being able to breathe...

A Reason to be Angry

I had to get this out.

Last night we had a talk, and I became emotional. Everything he said was everything I ever wanted. And I got so angry! Everything I ever wanted and NOW ... now, after I have called it quits. Now he is truly treating me like his queen.. now, after I have already gone is he saying he wants that friendship, that connection, that ultimate trust and communication.. if it offends him or not. Everything I've learned I know I deserve, everything I've been taught, every complaint I made and was instructed on how to get my solution.. Last night he offered almost to exactness everything I was already offered by my love. And it made me so angry! It also made me incredibly sad, because I miss my love. Every day I miss my love, and I can still hear his voice lulling me into submission. I still remember all his words as if they were written in stone. Every plea he ever made, every compliment he ever offered, every lesson he ever taught and every time he gave advice.. everything about him is what I've come to know as the best anyone could ever want beyond desire. And right there before me my other person was finally giving this up to me. How angry am I?! Too emotionally overloaded ... not only has it come too late but its having impossible affects. If my head and my heart were in a different place it would make more sense and I would welcome it openly, faithfully and willingly. But because I am changed, because I am strengthened, because I am free from his ignorance and neglect.. it means less than nothing.

*whew*

Keep Me Safe

Dearest Love,
I have no where else to go. How do I talk to you? How can I talk to anyone about you? And how can I continue to suppress what I am feeling naturally? You came to me in my dark hour. You led me to trust you even though I was skeptic. I trust you still. Even now, blindly. I am nervous to open my heart because trusting someone is a risky thing, and I am always afraid you'll go away and I'll never see you again, and then where would that leave me? You patched my heart and made me whole. And not only that but you made me even stronger. I was no longer alone. And I was okay being alone. I had accepted that was all I had, all that was left. But you came to me. And I didn't know it, but I needed you. All that I want is for us to go back to the way we were, growing together.. when you needed me and it was okay for me to need you.. when we could talk to each other openly.. when you wanted me and I felt special, important.. I feel like this is the ultimate test of patience now. Patience and faith.. and trust. I am trusting in us. I believe in your dream. I believe you when you say I am worth waiting for and I hope that you believe you are also worth the wait. You are worth waiting a lifetime over. I will never forget your profession. I will never forget the way you made me feel, like I was the brightest star, as beautiful as the aurora. Your words have been etched into my heart and I am completely locked on it. I never believed in long distance relationships. I always felt there always needed to be touch, sight.. associated with any connection. You have proved this to be untrue. I have more faith in you and in us -almost more than in my religion. Only your word could stop me from loving you. Because I can't and I won't. I believe in you, and I want to build life with you. I want to laugh and cry and grow old together with you.

I feel like I'm walking in darkness now, and I can't see any light anywhere. I love you now more than anything. But I can't tell you, because you won't accept me, and I hope it's because you're only trying to keep me safe. I don't know where your heart is. I am not afraid. I am not afraid because now I know someone like you is out there, and even if you don't want me I know you once did, and your love, your expression of love exists. So even if it doesn't exist for me I know it's not just a fantasy. I'll get there again someday. And I look forward to that day.. but right now I am not afraid of what's to come. You gave me strength and hope and helped me to see that I am capable of making my own dreams come true.

I dreamed today. It's the same dream, and it's the best dream. My happy place. It's with you.

I was in darkness until I reached out my hand and you were there. I saw your face. I touched your face, and I could feel your smile on your cheeks through my hand. I smiled back at you. No words were exchanged. Your face felt a little rough from stubble, but your eyes were so familiar, warm.. brown, and smiling. I touched your lips with my fingers and bit my own lower lip subconsciously. I looked then at your mouth as I brushed it with my thumb. I took a step closer. I moved my hand back to your cheek and up past your ear through your dark hair. You closed your eyes. I moved ever closer where you could feel my breath on your neck. I didn't kiss you then, but I did brush my lips up against your skin. I want to kiss you, but I don't want to be too forward. It's so hard for me to contain myself around you.. I would be your slave if you let me. But that's now how you work. And that's not really how it should work anyway. This is a quiet moment for me.. for us. It's that moment in between unbridled passion and curiosity, between knowing and not knowing. This is a moment I have re-lived every day, sometimes many times a day now since the moment I realized I wanted you and only you. I dream of us laying down together, looking at one another, holding each other in our gazes .. and smiling peacefully. I dream of your arms around me, of you touching my skin.. I dream of feeding into all your desires and taking in some of my own. I dream of our legs intertwined, my giggling, your gentle caress. Sometimes I think I can feel it when you kiss my forehead, and sometimes I can sense that you're smelling my hair and committing that smell to memory. When I see you looking at me my heart stutters.. and when I can feel you coming toward me with hungry eyes it makes me want to smile so wickedly.

My feelings for you, my love, have intensified -if that's at all possible! You have not given me reason to think you are completely done with me, and sometimes I wish you could tell me pointedly that you are, because I am suffering to tell you these things when I know that I can't. I care more for you and feel more deeply for you than I have for anyone. I would wait for you for as long as it takes. I am waiting for you even now. You are worth so much to me. I would live the life of a pauper if it meant I could have you forever. I'm hopelessly and impossibly in love with only you. For always.