Dearest Love,
I refuse to believe it's completely over. I know I wrote a goodbye letter to you, and I know I gave it to you.. for the sake of reference, here was your reply:
I'm just not the person you have held me up to be. I am flawed. Very, very flawed. I share jokes with your sister, but not because of friendship with her, per se. Mmore because she doesn't put me on any sort of pedestal, and she doesn't have any expectations for me. I'm sorry to have ever caused you pain. I never meant to, nor wanted to. I just haven't known what to say to you, because I didn't want you to think things were going to return to the way they were. And life with my kids recently (esp the special needs) made me realize that I am done having kids, and I seriously doubt if I will ever have more. Stress even started me smoking again recently. So, you see...vert flawed. I'm sorry. Please forgive ME.
This, to me, is ABSOLUTE CRAP. For months we spent days and nights and early mornings together and you hadn't let your pride get in the way before. My response to this was admittedly defensive. Because I don't want to lose you or your friendship obviously! I did unfriend you though. My heart was bleeding DAILY. And I cried my eyes out nightly. I have never felt a loss as great as this where the pain never seems to subside. I needed to make a change. I needed to feel less dependent. And I know you are especially drawn to that which can stand on their own, those with strength and independence.. something I actually CAN do. It has been SO hard. I've heard say though that it may be hard, but it is also worth it.. whatever it is. I am not nor will I ever be over you, my love. But as you have done to me so many times, I have .... put you on hold. I am not done. And I hope you're not done either. This is what longing and perseverance and finding someone you can get through the good AND the bad with feels like. You'll have a choice in the upcoming months when you can see me face to face. I know that much will happen, because I will make it happen. I will give you time and I will give you space for now.. two things you asked for in the beginning anyway. I only hope I'm not too late in giving them to you now.
One thing does perplex me though. Okay, two things. You are quite proud of your ability to keep a promise. Trustworthy. One promise I wish you hadn't taken back.. was that you said you were perfectly content to be my best friend during that time you would need to wait until I was available for you. You took back that promise, and you have chosen not to be my friend anymore. That's why I had to cut ties to you. You weren't there anymore. And for me to want to befriend someone who isn't there.. it's depressing. You were disappearing. You were not good conversation.. or rather I was not good conversation anymore. You said you were afraid you didn't know what to say to me even though you knew things were never going to be as they were. Why is that anyway? What happened to you that day to make you snap? It actually makes me angry to think you are ready to give up before you have even given us a chance. I believe in your dream. You laid it out to me! It was your doing that got me thinking. And it was your friendship that helped me to stand up for what I finally wanted, what I as a human being deserved out of my relationships. You believed in me. Well.. I believe in you. I would do anything for you to prove it. I have even tried to make myself disappear as well... hoping it's what you want. Because I don't know what you want. You don't want me. That's the impression I get. But if you MET me... if you got to know who I was without all the technology.. you would see that I am more than an online profile. I am more than my selfy-shots. I am more than the races I run or the events and challenges that I tackle. I .. haha.. was talking about this just last night. I have worked odd jobs.. jobs not everyone likes.. I take the jobs that are "lower in stature." Kitchen/food prep. Customer service. I LOVED working these jobs! I didn't make much, but they were tough jobs and I did them well. I put my heart them. I was always on time and excelled at every task. Big fish in those small ponds. I put my heart into everything I do... no matter how big or small it may be.
I put my whole heart into my relationship with you. I loved you every day, and I still love you today. You seem to think you're incredibly flawed. Who's to say I'm all that un-flawed enough to not be worthy enough for you then? Or.. how flawed would I have to be for you to be okay with me by your side were that the case? Do you really think so piously that I am so much more perfect than you? Who is putting someone on a pedestal now, my love? Dearest love, would you not take someone who was also flawed, or would you not take someone so "perfect" even though I am not..? I swear this to you now.. if we were truly lovers caught in a spat and had been confined to a single room and were forced to actually talk things out... I'm sure things would have turned out differently. Lovers who truly love each other don't leave each other in the middle of a disagreement. And if they cared enough about each other and had to leave in order to get some air.. they would come back to finish. If there was truly love in your heart, you would have seen and done this. So my love... what defines love for you? Where is the line? Where does infatuation and attraction end? And where does love begin? I care enough about you to want to hold onto you during your struggles. I want to make those sacrifices with you, and when you are at your lowest, I want to be there so that you are not alone.. even if you believe you are. That's what love is to me.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Goodbye, my Love
My dear Beloved,
I am about to do something ...big. And I know with the funeral you have to attend this weekend my timing kinda sucks, but no one decides when their heart is too broken. And I have reached that point.
My love, I've been bleeding daily as I have mourned the loss of our friendship which you said you could handle after having lost our relationship. I hate my sister right now.. only because you seem to have a friendship with her that I can never have with you.. one that shares laughter and smiles, one that is mutually understood. Every day since that day mid-April it feels like my body crumples inward and I am left in a dark place to cry until my eyes are swollen. Every day it feels as though there has been a large, raw and open cut across my heart that pulses with pain, and every day I have no idea how to make it better. Every day I want you to come back to me, to make it how it was. But I know it will never be like how it was ever again.
You're in a different place now. I feel as though my words have zero effect on you whereas every word you say has every effect on me. I feel like you're forcing yourself to play a words game with me now that you really don't want to play, and that's not fair to either of us.. because I recall you said you play when you think about it, when you remember. And that's NOT how friendship should be.
I want you to hold onto my gifts, and I hope that you look back on them with love and reverence. Because that was a time when we loved each other. I will wear your dime forever. I have continued to hold onto it before I escape into dreams. It is still the most valuable thing I own, and you have my promise that I will take care of it and watch over it and guard it so that it remains safe.
My love, dear love.. I AM that girl. I DO have a kind heart and a sweet spirit. I am passionate about life and love to motivate and be motivated by others. I teach children and I love it! I love to inspire and be inspired. I love to learn. My heart can be molded. I am slow to anger, and I learn from my mistakes. I do not spitefully use anyone. I have only spoken to you with respect and a desire to be understanding. When you found me I was already broken. My edges were rough. Love was .. gone. I knew.. I knew to be skeptic about you. I knew giving my heart away meant I was vulnerable to being hurt. Your hurt, my love, hurts more than Ben's ever did.. because the higher you climb the farther you fall, and you showed me more love and made me feel a greater love and I felt more appreciated by you in our short 5 months than I ever did in my 12 years of marriage. And that's what hurts the most.. I can't ever love another. There is now an expectation of excellence and no one else will ever reach it. No one else will ever come close. And it will be easier to guard my heart and let no one else in again than to have this continuous daily throbbing, dark and painful hurt that I have let you cause in me. I am broken all over again. Now I am more broken than ever and I fear I am beyond repair. But I am worth more than this. I know I have to be! I feel like you have thrown me away, and I deserve better than this. I know what I have to do now if I'm to get out of this dark chasm, this abyss to which there would seem to be no end...
I am finally filing my papers today. And I am going to end our words game. I'm going to unfriend you. I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't keep have one-sided conversations. I can't keep seeing you and feeling like crumpling over, holding my sides together, and crying my eyes out. You have left within me a giant hole that can never be filled. But I have to try and fill it.. with .. something. You seem to have moved on and gotten over me in a way I will never be over you. You have nothing left to say. I can't stand FB anymore and have been sparsely active as it is. It's hard to imagine how I was able to survive before you came along, but I managed and somehow.. I'll manage again. And perhaps one day we'll be friends again. But this friendship right now it bleeding to the core, and that's not how friendship -or any relationship- should be. Ever. My dime.. your dime.. symbolizes the man that wrote that verse to me. And that's how I'll remember you.
Good-bye, dear love. I love you. Now, and always.
I am about to do something ...big. And I know with the funeral you have to attend this weekend my timing kinda sucks, but no one decides when their heart is too broken. And I have reached that point.
My love, I've been bleeding daily as I have mourned the loss of our friendship which you said you could handle after having lost our relationship. I hate my sister right now.. only because you seem to have a friendship with her that I can never have with you.. one that shares laughter and smiles, one that is mutually understood. Every day since that day mid-April it feels like my body crumples inward and I am left in a dark place to cry until my eyes are swollen. Every day it feels as though there has been a large, raw and open cut across my heart that pulses with pain, and every day I have no idea how to make it better. Every day I want you to come back to me, to make it how it was. But I know it will never be like how it was ever again.
You're in a different place now. I feel as though my words have zero effect on you whereas every word you say has every effect on me. I feel like you're forcing yourself to play a words game with me now that you really don't want to play, and that's not fair to either of us.. because I recall you said you play when you think about it, when you remember. And that's NOT how friendship should be.
I want you to hold onto my gifts, and I hope that you look back on them with love and reverence. Because that was a time when we loved each other. I will wear your dime forever. I have continued to hold onto it before I escape into dreams. It is still the most valuable thing I own, and you have my promise that I will take care of it and watch over it and guard it so that it remains safe.
My love, dear love.. I AM that girl. I DO have a kind heart and a sweet spirit. I am passionate about life and love to motivate and be motivated by others. I teach children and I love it! I love to inspire and be inspired. I love to learn. My heart can be molded. I am slow to anger, and I learn from my mistakes. I do not spitefully use anyone. I have only spoken to you with respect and a desire to be understanding. When you found me I was already broken. My edges were rough. Love was .. gone. I knew.. I knew to be skeptic about you. I knew giving my heart away meant I was vulnerable to being hurt. Your hurt, my love, hurts more than Ben's ever did.. because the higher you climb the farther you fall, and you showed me more love and made me feel a greater love and I felt more appreciated by you in our short 5 months than I ever did in my 12 years of marriage. And that's what hurts the most.. I can't ever love another. There is now an expectation of excellence and no one else will ever reach it. No one else will ever come close. And it will be easier to guard my heart and let no one else in again than to have this continuous daily throbbing, dark and painful hurt that I have let you cause in me. I am broken all over again. Now I am more broken than ever and I fear I am beyond repair. But I am worth more than this. I know I have to be! I feel like you have thrown me away, and I deserve better than this. I know what I have to do now if I'm to get out of this dark chasm, this abyss to which there would seem to be no end...
I am finally filing my papers today. And I am going to end our words game. I'm going to unfriend you. I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't keep have one-sided conversations. I can't keep seeing you and feeling like crumpling over, holding my sides together, and crying my eyes out. You have left within me a giant hole that can never be filled. But I have to try and fill it.. with .. something. You seem to have moved on and gotten over me in a way I will never be over you. You have nothing left to say. I can't stand FB anymore and have been sparsely active as it is. It's hard to imagine how I was able to survive before you came along, but I managed and somehow.. I'll manage again. And perhaps one day we'll be friends again. But this friendship right now it bleeding to the core, and that's not how friendship -or any relationship- should be. Ever. My dime.. your dime.. symbolizes the man that wrote that verse to me. And that's how I'll remember you.
Good-bye, dear love. I love you. Now, and always.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Updated after a week.. RTO just ran
It's been a week!
I keep breaking down. I need to learn how to keep it together. I actually held a conversation (via chat) that lasted until I went to bed from before I had dinner. I haven't talked with him for that long in a VERY long time. And I thought about it this morning, and it hurt.. a lot. I have lost so much. And I don't even know if there is coming back from this at this point. I feel as though this is a wound that will never close. And I fear it will never close or start to heal if I continue to hold onto something I shouldn't hold onto. I don't know if I can handle friendship right now. Break ups SUCK. And we didn't even officially break up. It was more of a dissolve. Fissile. Where there was fire there is now not even embers! It makes me want to delve into young adult genre novels again. I've been trying my hardest to get into his "Dies the Fire" series but it is not easy reading for me. And I need to pick myself up in a serious way. YA books do that for me, so maybe that's something I can do. I'm in a funk and I need to get out of it. NOW. I need to love running again. I need to love training, and I need to ... but I don't want to.. cut myself off. The way that I love him runs deep within me. Every day my heart feels scratched, bleeding. Every day I say my prayer and ask for blessings upon him. So he might know that I love him. So that he can feel comforted. That his heart will soften. I love him so dearly even still. I have given up my life and my heart for him, and my sorrow has not tapered, not one bit. I have much waiting to go.
I keep breaking down. I need to learn how to keep it together. I actually held a conversation (via chat) that lasted until I went to bed from before I had dinner. I haven't talked with him for that long in a VERY long time. And I thought about it this morning, and it hurt.. a lot. I have lost so much. And I don't even know if there is coming back from this at this point. I feel as though this is a wound that will never close. And I fear it will never close or start to heal if I continue to hold onto something I shouldn't hold onto. I don't know if I can handle friendship right now. Break ups SUCK. And we didn't even officially break up. It was more of a dissolve. Fissile. Where there was fire there is now not even embers! It makes me want to delve into young adult genre novels again. I've been trying my hardest to get into his "Dies the Fire" series but it is not easy reading for me. And I need to pick myself up in a serious way. YA books do that for me, so maybe that's something I can do. I'm in a funk and I need to get out of it. NOW. I need to love running again. I need to love training, and I need to ... but I don't want to.. cut myself off. The way that I love him runs deep within me. Every day my heart feels scratched, bleeding. Every day I say my prayer and ask for blessings upon him. So he might know that I love him. So that he can feel comforted. That his heart will soften. I love him so dearly even still. I have given up my life and my heart for him, and my sorrow has not tapered, not one bit. I have much waiting to go.
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