Love Unrequited

Dearest Love,
Today was race day! I can't get over the fact that my body is so retarded.. every time I run a half marathon my legs cramp! It never happens during training.. granted I hardly ever run 13 miles during training. I suppose if I really wanted to get better at these I would increase my mileage so my body would be more prepared. Lately I've been tired and admittedly depressed. I cried last night. I lost you, and it's affecting the way I do everything. I'm tired and unmotivated. I'm trying every day to defeat the sorrow. It isn't easy.

I wish I could earn back your trust somehow. I want to be true to my heart, and my heart lies with you. I want so badly.. for so many things. I wish you could see me again. I wish you could see that I am different, that I am willing to sacrifice. I never wanted to be the cause of your sorrow, and yet.. I don't even know if you feel any sorrow. Do you still care for me at all? I wish I could know.. I wish you would talk to me, and I wish we could be free to be at least friends once more. I can only make assumptions. Waiting is the best I can do right now, because I don't want to be burdensome and I definitely don't want to add undue pressure. None of this was your fault, and you know that. Yes, you were right. You're always right. And because of it I feel like I now I have to pay the ultimate price.. by not having you by my side anymore and not knowing what I can do to ease your pain.. if there is any. I wish you could really know that I meant no harm. I don't know how to get you back if I can get you back at all. I will find myself nearer to you when all is done, so if anything we'll be neighbors. I am determined to get there and I know I can make at least that much happen. I want you to see who I am. I'm not the horrible person you may think I am for seemingly having allowed myself to get caught.

I think of you so often. I can't let you go. I don't want to let you go, and I hope I never have to let you go. It hurts my heart every day not to have you near me. I can only think selfishly at this point, because ... because you aren't letting me in. You have your reasons, and again I can only assume what they are. I have done my best to commit every picture I have seem of you to memory. And I try not to dwell on your online pictures. This kind of love cannot be healthy. Love unrequited is .. surely something to laugh at looking from the outside. I must seem truly pathetic to be hitching all my stars to this wagon. But I know it was once there. And I know that my heart is lost. I know it WAS there. I don't know what the future will hold. I have a dream though.. it's the same dream we had together. My suffering now by being without your attention and affection is worth it if I can have even a chance to get it again when the timing is .. better. We had 5 1/2 months to develop our friendship and I have come to care for you so strongly. I would still fly to you at your request, if you requested it even now.. especially even now. I told you once that you had me bewitched.. this is still true. The love I once had for you still glows within my countenance. It's given me so much strength and confidence .. even now after you're gone it's still holding strong to me, your words -what I remember anyway- still uplift and encourage me. You wished our flare would never die or fizzle. It hasn't in me. I will bide my time. I hope .. I hope you will see me once again.. I hope you will know, I never stopped loving you.