A Sad Night

To my dearest, the one who holds my heart,
Oh my heart, my sweet love. I cannot believe how sad I am every day.  My happy days are only memories now.  Every night is sealed with tears as I drift into nightmares .. piercing nightmares that only leave me restless when dawn comes.  I am weeping even now.  I feel as though death has shrouded me, like I have been marked and sentenced to ultimate loneliness.  I am undeserving of anyone anymore.  I ... deserve this somehow.  I do not deserve happiness.  And I have every right to cry .. every day, as much as I need.  And although that may sound immature at best, it's the only thing I have anymore.  I have to feel my feelings and not brush them aside or under.  There is no slap of a happy face.  No quick bandage.  No easy fix.  It's been a month since your birthday, and just before then were the beginning of the end of our happy times.  My love, we have no more happy times ahead, do we...?  I think of this often.  If we were somehow to find ourselves together once more at a chance to be intertwined... would I take myself down this path again?  Would I risk feeling this hurt, lost, and alone for I know if I lost you yet again I would not kill myself although the thought has come and gone.  (i still have children)  Even now.. I will not love another.  Better to have loved and lost.. although I understand without pain there can be no pleasure.  Perhaps this is what I deserve for being so unfaithful all those years, for not being true to my heart, for not breaking ties to the one I do not love sooner than I did.  And I know we should have parted ways many years ago.  There is no love in my life now.  My children are only just that.  It is better now if I could feel nothing, if the pain would subside, if I could go numb.  But... I am too passionate to ever be numb.  I find too much glory in the light and the sun and the warmth.  Or at least I used to.  Now everything is only just.. mechanical.  There shall be no more of this.  And when the tears run dry, there will never be another, and no one will be able to break the shell I will have created.  I have never hurt like this before, dear love.  I have never hurt for days upon days that become months.  I have never met anyone who made me so happy and then had the incredible power in one action to take all of it away.  You took my very heart and soul from me.  There are shards still left, silhouettes from shadows I can still make out..memories still fresh, because I cannot let go.  Those few months were the best months I have ever spent with one person in my entire living. I am not yet despairing, for I will not nor will I ever turn my back on God... but I feel like I am cast down and turned away as though I were filth.  No longer cared for by the one I held most dear.

No, the sadness remains.  The tears still run.  The stars do not shine.  And the loneliness birds have made their home in my heart.  Soon they will have laid their stone eggs and I will have no more hope to feel that love anymore.  This is how it feels to be alone... to have nothing left.