Keep Me Safe

Dearest Love,
I have no where else to go. How do I talk to you? How can I talk to anyone about you? And how can I continue to suppress what I am feeling naturally? You came to me in my dark hour. You led me to trust you even though I was skeptic. I trust you still. Even now, blindly. I am nervous to open my heart because trusting someone is a risky thing, and I am always afraid you'll go away and I'll never see you again, and then where would that leave me? You patched my heart and made me whole. And not only that but you made me even stronger. I was no longer alone. And I was okay being alone. I had accepted that was all I had, all that was left. But you came to me. And I didn't know it, but I needed you. All that I want is for us to go back to the way we were, growing together.. when you needed me and it was okay for me to need you.. when we could talk to each other openly.. when you wanted me and I felt special, important.. I feel like this is the ultimate test of patience now. Patience and faith.. and trust. I am trusting in us. I believe in your dream. I believe you when you say I am worth waiting for and I hope that you believe you are also worth the wait. You are worth waiting a lifetime over. I will never forget your profession. I will never forget the way you made me feel, like I was the brightest star, as beautiful as the aurora. Your words have been etched into my heart and I am completely locked on it. I never believed in long distance relationships. I always felt there always needed to be touch, sight.. associated with any connection. You have proved this to be untrue. I have more faith in you and in us -almost more than in my religion. Only your word could stop me from loving you. Because I can't and I won't. I believe in you, and I want to build life with you. I want to laugh and cry and grow old together with you.

I feel like I'm walking in darkness now, and I can't see any light anywhere. I love you now more than anything. But I can't tell you, because you won't accept me, and I hope it's because you're only trying to keep me safe. I don't know where your heart is. I am not afraid. I am not afraid because now I know someone like you is out there, and even if you don't want me I know you once did, and your love, your expression of love exists. So even if it doesn't exist for me I know it's not just a fantasy. I'll get there again someday. And I look forward to that day.. but right now I am not afraid of what's to come. You gave me strength and hope and helped me to see that I am capable of making my own dreams come true.

I dreamed today. It's the same dream, and it's the best dream. My happy place. It's with you.

I was in darkness until I reached out my hand and you were there. I saw your face. I touched your face, and I could feel your smile on your cheeks through my hand. I smiled back at you. No words were exchanged. Your face felt a little rough from stubble, but your eyes were so familiar, warm.. brown, and smiling. I touched your lips with my fingers and bit my own lower lip subconsciously. I looked then at your mouth as I brushed it with my thumb. I took a step closer. I moved my hand back to your cheek and up past your ear through your dark hair. You closed your eyes. I moved ever closer where you could feel my breath on your neck. I didn't kiss you then, but I did brush my lips up against your skin. I want to kiss you, but I don't want to be too forward. It's so hard for me to contain myself around you.. I would be your slave if you let me. But that's now how you work. And that's not really how it should work anyway. This is a quiet moment for me.. for us. It's that moment in between unbridled passion and curiosity, between knowing and not knowing. This is a moment I have re-lived every day, sometimes many times a day now since the moment I realized I wanted you and only you. I dream of us laying down together, looking at one another, holding each other in our gazes .. and smiling peacefully. I dream of your arms around me, of you touching my skin.. I dream of feeding into all your desires and taking in some of my own. I dream of our legs intertwined, my giggling, your gentle caress. Sometimes I think I can feel it when you kiss my forehead, and sometimes I can sense that you're smelling my hair and committing that smell to memory. When I see you looking at me my heart stutters.. and when I can feel you coming toward me with hungry eyes it makes me want to smile so wickedly.

My feelings for you, my love, have intensified -if that's at all possible! You have not given me reason to think you are completely done with me, and sometimes I wish you could tell me pointedly that you are, because I am suffering to tell you these things when I know that I can't. I care more for you and feel more deeply for you than I have for anyone. I would wait for you for as long as it takes. I am waiting for you even now. You are worth so much to me. I would live the life of a pauper if it meant I could have you forever. I'm hopelessly and impossibly in love with only you. For always.