Perspective

Dearest Love,
I keep seeing our future, and it doesn't look so bleak.  I worked in my kitchen today preparing bread and cookies so I could deliver them to my friends.  It's a way for me to let them know I want to share what I have with them.  I thought of you and your family as I worked.  I thought of your boys.  They're older than mine.  And together we do make a VERY large family.  Honestly... it doesn't scare me at all.  You have special needs kids, and that doesn't scare me either.  You told me yesterday about how one of your children almost got suspended from school even though there's only one more week to go, because he was caught poking someone else's neck with a pencil.  I always seem to forget you have challenges every day that can't compare even remotely to my own worries.  I came from a large family and I know how easy it can be to accidentally leave someone out, or forget about something, or get wrapped up into life and think it's too much to handle.  I sat on the sidelines in my own family.  I tried not to cause too much grief.  I hardly ever spoke up.  I tried to be happy with what I had, even though the drama and the fireworks were always happening elsewhere.  I grew up kinda homely.. I didn't think I was a very pretty girl, but I know I could develop my talents and try to do good instead of look good or be popular.  Turned out I ended up one of the more popular kids in school because I was always so happy!

I accept challenges.  If I want something badly enough, I know I will do everything I can to get it done.  It's why I keep seeing myself on your doorstep.  Lately that's the image in my head I see the most.  I see myself showing up one day.. unexpectedly.  And I hate that part.. because it's not very courteous, and it's a huge gamble.  What if you were too busy, or not even there!?  I priced out a trip and it would cost me roughly about $800 in plane ticket and $100/day for a room.  I haven't even checked rental cars or food.  But... I know this trip won't be happening .. well.. this year.  Divorce takes at bare minimum 6 months.  Uncontested it should go smoothly especially since we are figuring out how to work out all the division together.  No lawyers.  We are talking about discussing the numbers with a family law facilitator.  And he'd rather I have a decent vocation before he lets me loose, so there has been talking about hanging around until I have at least a degree.  I'm going to be okay.  And I know what I'm doing is what's best.  I don't love him.  I'm appreciating the effort he's putting into not leaving me with nothing.  But it's not going to make any difference whether he stays in the long run or not.  I made a promise to myself.  We're going to get our chance.  You are worth it!

My love.. please don't lose hope.  I told you before.. there are those willing to die for love.  And I am willing to wait and be patient.. for us.  I hope I don't have to die in the name of our love!  But you should know that I would.  I would walk through fire and live in the tundra.. I would sacrifice all that I am for that which I know we could be.  I keep seeing us together, our families.. and okay.. it's crazy.  But we're HAPPY.  You deserve to be happy for all that you've suffered.  You have had a rough life!  And I know.. I KNOW what I want.. and that is to be with you.. to uplift you.. to laugh and cry with you, to be held by you, to become one with you, to sit down together at the end of the day and reflect on all our good and not so good times.. I want you.  Every day.  You're worth it to me.  My eye is on the prize!

I love you.  Thought you should know... :)