Repeat after me:
He hurt you.
He broke you.
He took it all back.
He left you.
He never loved you.
He never loved you.
I think you are more broken in your mind, in your heart, and in your spirit than you ever have been. You no longer know what love is or how to go about it, because you at least know it should be a happy thing and yet.. you have pretty much gone crazy and over the edge of sanity now. You can't trust anyone now. You've lived a marriage that seemed so cold and alone for so long. And you met this guy and he was different. He made you feel like you were worth some ultimate sacrifice.. he made you believe you were worth waiting a lifetime for. He called your relationship the love of a lifetime. And then he played the ultimate betrayal, and he left you to fend for yourself. He took back every praise he ever gave when he decided he no longer needed you and instead needed space. What's to become of you now, now that you're no longer his princess? He broke you. And you continue to relive that break.. over and over you feel it. You torture yourself every day with it! It hasn't healed over.. and its about to get a hundred times worse. You feel its worth it.. meeting him is worth it. And it is.
If I have to go through this pain forever for the chance to meet him just once, to see the universe in his eyes.. I leap at the chance. Its not going to be the same. But..Head first. It will hurt. Always. So if its always going to hurt, what's the point of trying to put myself back together? Just.. let it hurt. I don't care anymore. What once was bright.. can't seem to rise from the shadows.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Sunday, July 21, 2013
never good enough
Dearest love,
At this point I'm actually quite glad I did not pour my heart out to you during those dark weeks when my eyes felt like they would never stop crying. I'm glad I went through that time and allowed myself to feel all that sorrow. Its helped us get to this new place of friendship nicely I think. I don't expect anything from you anymore. You are free to come and go as you please, as am I. I would have liked to have stayed by your side.. but I've had concrete thoughts today.. epiphanies.
I don't even know that I can say I've ever known how to love a man the way I'm supposed to, where a strong relationship.. a bond of trust is formed and both depend on one another and neither person ever walks away for anything. I look at my children. I will always forgive them. They will always be able to depend on me. The love I have for them is immovable, unshakable. I am their body guard. Their number 1 fan. How do I turn that toward a lover? Without the parental aspect of course.. my love, I dont trust myself around love. I feel broken. And I wouldn't be able to trust myself to take even the first steps toward finding that love and holding fast to it. The way I have lived until now has been in fear. I fear his grumpiness. I fear my own guilt. I fear knowing I've failed. Where I have failed once I am sure to fail again. I don't want to fail you in any way. I have already failed you and I can't ever get that back.
I'm not smart. I already knew this. I can learn, but I do not have a lot of retention for knowledge. You do! You are a walking and talking encyclopedia and almanac and bible and anthropology research center. I am not as organized. And it makes me feel so intimidated, so... inferior. Its another way I will eventually fail you again.. not out of ignorance or desire, just inferiority. I will always ALWAYS fall short somehow. You will always excel and I will always struggle to catch up.
Those are my thoughts today. I am reaffirmed.. although I know that I love you with all I know how.. I know we are not meant to be. There are so many internal and external forces against us. Why am I still fighting them...?
At this point I'm actually quite glad I did not pour my heart out to you during those dark weeks when my eyes felt like they would never stop crying. I'm glad I went through that time and allowed myself to feel all that sorrow. Its helped us get to this new place of friendship nicely I think. I don't expect anything from you anymore. You are free to come and go as you please, as am I. I would have liked to have stayed by your side.. but I've had concrete thoughts today.. epiphanies.
I don't even know that I can say I've ever known how to love a man the way I'm supposed to, where a strong relationship.. a bond of trust is formed and both depend on one another and neither person ever walks away for anything. I look at my children. I will always forgive them. They will always be able to depend on me. The love I have for them is immovable, unshakable. I am their body guard. Their number 1 fan. How do I turn that toward a lover? Without the parental aspect of course.. my love, I dont trust myself around love. I feel broken. And I wouldn't be able to trust myself to take even the first steps toward finding that love and holding fast to it. The way I have lived until now has been in fear. I fear his grumpiness. I fear my own guilt. I fear knowing I've failed. Where I have failed once I am sure to fail again. I don't want to fail you in any way. I have already failed you and I can't ever get that back.
I'm not smart. I already knew this. I can learn, but I do not have a lot of retention for knowledge. You do! You are a walking and talking encyclopedia and almanac and bible and anthropology research center. I am not as organized. And it makes me feel so intimidated, so... inferior. Its another way I will eventually fail you again.. not out of ignorance or desire, just inferiority. I will always ALWAYS fall short somehow. You will always excel and I will always struggle to catch up.
Those are my thoughts today. I am reaffirmed.. although I know that I love you with all I know how.. I know we are not meant to be. There are so many internal and external forces against us. Why am I still fighting them...?
Monday, July 15, 2013
and... SWING!
I feel like a mess today. My world has just crashed down in my head, and I am trying to stop it. You know that moment in time where you come to realize things aren't always as they seem? That point in life where everything is not so ignorantly okay..? Yes, it's definitely one of those afternoons.
My mom is visiting with Marie. She'll be there for a few weeks at least. Then she'll visit with Amy and Mason. She dotes on them. She brags about them. She has a dozen stories to tell about her visits from them at a moment's notice. There is much love and time devoted to them in her heart. When she comes here to my house.. she can't leave quickly enough. And that's all I get from my mom.
My mother in law. Dear Lord. If there was any personality as rash or offensive.. everything is counter-active. Nothing can be done because there is one excuse lined up after another as to why she shouldn't just sit her ass down on the couch and do whatever she wants even if that means doing absolutely nothing. And she's SO incredibly tired all the time NEVERMIND how late she stays up every night playing computer games.. wasting time.. 2am..? 3am?? who knows. the evidence is all over FB. But when it comes to the grand-daughters.. oh, those blessed grand-daughters. Oh how she misses them. They are darlings... they are so sweet and precious.. They are truly missed. They should move back and live with her again. That's how it should always be!
This is horseshit. This is why I am the way I am. I am fording a mighty river over here. I have to constantly listen to how both of my mothers just love and adore all my other siblings but when it comes to me and my family, my boys, my home.. they drop by or stop in for an hour, maybe two, and then they're off again like it's no big deal. Watch me when I move so far away from you that you won't need to pretend anymore. You know what they always say.. you don't appreciate something until it's gone.. maybe that's what we need most. To be gone... but then, I've spent so much time trying not to care about the fact that you would rather be somewhere else that it makes me angry to think you would do that.. realize you do enjoy us after we leave. Like what Ben's trying to do by mending his ways and making these life altering changes.. why the hell can't you see we're right here and need you now?! Why does it take you a slap in the face to see we have ALWAYS been right here?
My mom is visiting with Marie. She'll be there for a few weeks at least. Then she'll visit with Amy and Mason. She dotes on them. She brags about them. She has a dozen stories to tell about her visits from them at a moment's notice. There is much love and time devoted to them in her heart. When she comes here to my house.. she can't leave quickly enough. And that's all I get from my mom.
My mother in law. Dear Lord. If there was any personality as rash or offensive.. everything is counter-active. Nothing can be done because there is one excuse lined up after another as to why she shouldn't just sit her ass down on the couch and do whatever she wants even if that means doing absolutely nothing. And she's SO incredibly tired all the time NEVERMIND how late she stays up every night playing computer games.. wasting time.. 2am..? 3am?? who knows. the evidence is all over FB. But when it comes to the grand-daughters.. oh, those blessed grand-daughters. Oh how she misses them. They are darlings... they are so sweet and precious.. They are truly missed. They should move back and live with her again. That's how it should always be!
This is horseshit. This is why I am the way I am. I am fording a mighty river over here. I have to constantly listen to how both of my mothers just love and adore all my other siblings but when it comes to me and my family, my boys, my home.. they drop by or stop in for an hour, maybe two, and then they're off again like it's no big deal. Watch me when I move so far away from you that you won't need to pretend anymore. You know what they always say.. you don't appreciate something until it's gone.. maybe that's what we need most. To be gone... but then, I've spent so much time trying not to care about the fact that you would rather be somewhere else that it makes me angry to think you would do that.. realize you do enjoy us after we leave. Like what Ben's trying to do by mending his ways and making these life altering changes.. why the hell can't you see we're right here and need you now?! Why does it take you a slap in the face to see we have ALWAYS been right here?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
