God in heaven, hear my prayer

Dear God.
What have I done?
I seem to ruin everything now, don't I.. I have questions galore!  So many questions.. and I feel like I have thrown away the best thing that has ever happened to me.  ARGH!!!!  I am dying inside again, and this time I have no one to blame but myself.  I've barely eaten in a week.  I'm crashing again, and my heart feels like it was punched.  I am a pitiful mess.  And I did this.
Why!!  Why did he let me in again..!?  This is a horrible, wretched pain and I hate it.  I said this to him tonight and maybe I shouldn't have, but.. "being without.. its a huge shock to my system."  And I completely is.  I crumbled to the bathroom floor behind the door where no one could see that I had completely fallen apart.  When he leaves, i feel it!  When I am no longer a part of his life, I get incredibly depressed.  There is absolutely nothing I can do to make this right.  And I have no right to try and make it right.  He was everything good, and I ruined it.  He was depressed.  And instead of trying to be patient, loving, and kind I threw my girly tantrum.  I told him... yeah, I told him this.. in his hour of need.. that I felt like I wasn't getting much out of the relationship, that I was feeling short sided.  Who the hell cares right now, it's not really about you now, is it?!  You have pulled your own weight for YEARS and NOW.. now when he's trying to keep it together.. you lay this on him..?!  Stupid, selfish little girl, you really don't deserve the friendship he gave to you.  Seriously.
I am so ashamed.  I have hung my head, literally, in shame since that day.. last Thursday I think it was.  I do not deserve forgiveness.  And maybe this is the answer to everyone else's prayer.  That we wouldn't work.  That I would screw it up somehow.. eventually that's what I do.  I have no idea how to carry on a healthy relationship.