Flashback

Dim light always give way to heightened emotions for me.  I can fester in anger... or I can delight in feeling amorous.  I can cry for an hour, or I can sit and do absolutely nothing and feel completely peaceful.  My music comes more to life than it ever did, and it sometimes bring me to tears.  And I'm a hard nut to crack these days.

What happens in the dark I usually do not repeat to anyone.. not even to myself..  because these experiences personal.  I almost feel as though I tempt fate by leaking what I hold deep inside, as though if I let it out someone is going to mock me and I'll be afraid to ever open myself up again.  This said I want to flashback to not-so-long-ago..  to a few weeks ago.  It may or may not have been a mistake.  But it's something I did.  And I don't want to forget it, even if it did bring about less than happy feelings in the end.  The end really isn't even there yet.. so the outcome is still.. up in the air.

I'm a flighty girl.  My feet are not on the ground the way they should be.  I'm a silly girl and I'm a selfish girl.  I didn't used to be, but then I also was never received by others the way I am now.  I curse society for this.  I however cannot blame my actions on account of others.  My choices are mine alone.  And my consequences are mine alone.

And I've learned I am not aloud to have friends of the opposite sex who are not married.  No, scratch that.  I am not aloud to get close to any man.. period.  Married or not.  I put up walls for so long.. I grew up with walls.  Somehow they came down and now.. now I can't keep my head on straight.  Enough about lessons though..

I brought a man into my house.. and he welcomed himself into my house willing, though his motives were not my motives it seemed.  At the end of the day I forced myself into an embrace with him.  I watched him while he stayed a little longer.  I remembered when I "stayed a little longer.." so I figured he was waiting for me to do something.  So I did something.  As far as I know for now the jury is still out.  This man.. doesn't say much.  He definitely lusts, and he parties with his friends.  He loves people, and he cares about people, and he wants to make sure people feel special.. but he doesn't seem to be in love with anyone .. except his daughter of course.  He is.. unique.  I know I would not feel welcome in his world, with his friends, with his family.  We do not have many common interests I think. 

Yet I am drawn to him.  I'm drawn to the way he treats people.  I'm attracted to him physically more than I've ever been attracted to any one person physically.  Like he walked out of a movie and looked me in the eyes.. and smiled, and winked.. and asked for my number.  I can't get close to him.  He won't let me, and I shouldn't anyway.  He doesn't chase after me, but he lets me do the talking.. up to a point.  So I kissed him.  I wanted to know what it felt like.  I wanted to touch his skin and feel his warmth.  I wanted to know what it felt like to hold someone who looked hot even on his worst day.  The thing that gets me is that even though he kept throwing his head back, saying we shouldn't, that it's not right.. he never once said he didn't want to or that he didn't like it afterward.  He doesn't want to give me the satisfaction of knowing he might actually thank me for the experience.. because he really did enjoy it.  He won't say it outloud.  Of course admitting means he's finally given me an edge.. and for some reason he wants to be the one holding that card over my head.  It is definitely frustrating.  And obviously I have no conscience anymore.  Like I said.. I'm a selfish girl.