The Story of a Girl: Boyfriends Past

A girl I know used to be a happy girl. This girl was the happiest girl on the block.. at the store, at the mall, she'd brighten up to anyway. She'd always buy things she didn't need. The sales people were too persuasive, and they could spot a sucker a mile away. Something tragic happened to this girl. It wasn't her fault. She was the nicest girl you could ever meet. Her story is an interesting one. I want to try and understand it. So I want to try and write it. It goes something like this...

Once upon a time there lived a girl. She had brown hair and hazel eyes. She wasn't a beautiful girl, but she was a happy girl. She was happy with herself as far as I could see. She was so warm and caring, always laughing, always seeming interested. There was a light in her eyes. Everyone wanted that light, and she loved sharing it. She was a giver. Maybe that was her downfall.

I watched this girl day in and day out. I wasn't her friend, but I wanted to be. She'd sit alone sometimes, and she'd either be reading or writing. She'd pick right up whenever anyone came near. She liked hanging out. She liked having friends. To me, she was kinda popular. I even watched her fall in love. More than once.

The first time I saw her fall in love, she was very young -14 I think- it was with some guy who shaved his head and had a tattoo. He didn't look too much older, but he smelled of weed and poverty. It didn't look like he had much, but to his name it seemed he loved her greatly. I watched them together and wondered what they saw in each other. Talk about a difference of classes! They went to the same school but they definitely were not of the same social crowds. Out of nowhere it seemed she started hanging on this guy, why? No one knows. (Where did she find him anyway?) If she was trying to prove a point, I think she missed it because they are definitely not together now. Their relationship was short lived to say the least. One day they are all over each other in bliss and the next he's no where to be found. Did he flee the country? Is he in a ditch somewhere? All I can say is she was devastated. Tears for weeks. She couldn't have been the one to end it, she looked so torn. After their breakup she started bringing some kind of needlework to school. What, was she like 50 now? Never again to go out? Like we all haven't had our share of breakups. I mean, come on. Now's not the time to declare ourselves to a nunnery.

The second boyfriend I watched her with was a few months later. Or maybe it was a few years. Not too quick after the last for sure, but she had a light in her eyes again. Always with that light, I saw it come and go. She had the best kind of light when she wasn't with anyone at all. But now it gleamed so bright you couldn't miss it. The first few days she was glimmering. Light poured all over the two of them. It seemed though that most of that light came from her. No matter, she had enough. He was a fine looking gentleman, too. Hair brushed, teeth white, clothes clean. Good looking guy. And they dated a while. A few months as a matter of fact. Then all of a sudden the light started to flicker. She still beamed with pride but it was almost like a hand just went through the flame of her candle. One second as bright as could be, then a shadow, and the light all of a sudden came back.. so quickly. Hot. Huh, must have been the wind. This boy was so... interested! And happy. Yes, most definitely he seems happy. They are perfect. He's perfect. After a couple months though, she has an accident ..at practice maybe? And her arm the next day is in a cast. Her face has some bruises, but where is he? Huh.. he's um.. wait.. where is he? And what happened to her? Oooohhh.. she didn't have an accident at practice. She got in a wreck. Oh my goodness! Is she okay? Whew.. totally okay. But yeah.. where did he go? Don't they have a term paper or something? He should be in school... hmm. He left town suddenly? What?? After her accident? I need to talk to her.. the school is a buzz! Oh no.. seriously? I can't believe it. Oh, I get it. Prom was last weekend. Turns out he wasn't after her because he liked her. He made a bet with his friends if he could nail her afterward they'd give him $100 each. Looks like he lost that bet, but man.. what happened to her? Must have been right before.. and he just dumped her, just like that? After her accident? What an a-hole!

So I kept my eye on that poor girl. She seemed like it didn't affect her that much even though it should. Doesn't she know guys shouldn't do that to girls?? I mean, she's so beautiful on the inside! She's such a bright and cheery person. She has so many strengths. At any rate, I love this girl. She'll fall in love again and when it happens I want to see her shine so bright. She needs another light to help her keep going.
* * * * *
It's later in life now. This same girl hasn't had another boyfriend since that bet. Too skeptical now I bet. He scarred her pretty good. She must really have loved that guy. Recently though I've seen her keeping busy with a musical theater production. See what I mean? That light will never die. I wonder what it is that keeps it bright.. She's grown taller, straighter. For a while there she kinda went off track. I didn't want to write about those times, because this girl is still just the brightest star in my universe. I wish I could just .. talk to her! Oh well.

She and this one guy started hanging out, and this is where I want to get to now. So she and this one guy.. they started hanging out and it didn't look like much was going to happen. All of a sudden though I saw her light. I saw it in her eyes. Every time he came by it was like she was on fire. I've never seen her so bright. If I can describe this guy, maybe it'll make more sense because no one falls in love that gradually. Like, all of a sudden they knew something the other didn't and overnight things changed. These two people, they are the best of friends it seems. She's always interested in everything he does, everything he says. And the way he looks at her. The first time they saw each other, it was like they were trying to analyze a Monet. Very studious. Not afraid to stare, either of them. Somehow they've been connected and they just knew they were supposed to be together.

He tosses her hair for her, and he strokes her arm from time to time. I can see he loves the feel of her skin next to his. They sit close all the time. I watch them, as I've always watched her, and I wonder how long this one will last. Yeah, yeah.. I'm a skeptic when it comes to this girl. Every time she falls, she falls hard. She falls in love so easily, and she loves so deeply. She's entirely too trusting. To a fault. They look like the best of friends, these lovers, and yet.. they never embrace each other. They never make that connection; they never seal themselves togther or .. consummate, I guess. There's something lacking in fulfillment, but I can't quite put it into words..

Years pass. Still the same. They are surprisingly still together. But they are also still in that first state, that first season of passion. Like they're torturing one another. How long can this last anyway? Is this what it's like? Is this how it's supposed to be? I think not, but it seems they never tire of each other or what the other is doing. I can see it though. I can see the desire in their eyes. Any day now.. one of them is going to cave. And when it happens I just have to wonder. Will it be the same, or better? Or *gulp* worse? But how can it be worse? They've been the best of friends... of intimate mental and emotional lovers for so long. Her hair is longer now. He still enjoys running his hand through it. And she still gets goosebumps at every graze of his touch. It's so electric. Even now. This couple is so very dear to me. I love watching them! They spend every waking minute together. And yet he sees her to her door every night with a soft touch of his hand and a bright smile on his face, like he can never get enough of just the sight of her. She has the same look. So endearing. So.. longingly. Lovingly. They are the closest I've ever seen two people. Do they know how silly they look!? Like a movie without an ending. Everyone has an ending. No one is this deliriously happy without .. well, without moving forward.

Then all of a sudden a day and a night passes, and a morning breaks and she's alone again. Oh no. No, no, no, NO! What happened?! He was my absolute favorite! They were my favorite of all time! My dream! I can't even believe it! After all this time. She is alone again. And now she seems really, very much just alone. More alone than I've ever seen her. Her face is grisley. Like it was stretched to far and a weak attempt was made at putting it back. So many wrinkles, like she ages decades overnight. It's the look of dread, like a great loss.. the greatest loss is her fate. I only saw her through a window because her head isn't lifting off her pillow. There is no energy around her at all. Not even a small flicker. Nothing moves. Silence. Not even crying or sobs. Shock maybe? I have to wonder.. did it finally happen? Did they try something and it didn't work and he could no longer stand the sight of her? Or was it ... was it maybe her choice? But how can it be her choice.. she looks so.. like death passed in front of her and gave her up. There is no more light. Not to be shared, not to be given, none. Nothing. Loss. Dampness takes up the heavy air. The longing is gone. She was my favorite to watch. And now it's gone. He's gone. Where to, I don't know. They all leave. She seems so fragile just laying there. So tiny and helpless. So broken.
* * * *

That's the story of a girl I know. Or at least just one story. There's more but that's all for now. She survived that final heartache.. barely. She's always alone and she's never looked back. I wish she did though. I wish she looked around for that guy. I wish he'd listen to her just one more time, just once to see the hurt and .. the very black look in her eyes directly afterward. Her light is building up again, but it will never be as strong as it was. He has to know what he did, and who he did it to. My favorite girl. The girl with brown hair and hazel eyes. She's destined for greatness. Only someone so great could endure such a loss. Because that indeed left a hole that never will mend. Someday soon.. I hope she meets up with that guy again. Someday soon.. I hope they befriend eachother again, because they have to see for themselves. What they had no one else has ever had. And no one will have it that great again. Maybe I'm being a little dramatic. But seriously.. I long to see them together again. Soon.

Journal Entry: Storms

I have a guilty-pleasure-confession: I have a thing for storms. These are true thoughts.. with some fantasy riddled in. Some guilty desires maybe.. I have some memories I never want to forget however I am forgetting them physically. What I remember the most are my feelings.

The sky would become black with rage as if it were a cauldron of hate, bubbling, boiling over and bursting with power. You can see so many defined bulges in the formations, like they were ready to pound in sheets at any moment. I loved days like those. Some days we'd get out of school early because the rain would seem to never stop pouring and the streets would flood.. not just any streets, but the country back-roads to which there was no detour. Even the air around me seemed to have a charge like it would shake my bones and I'd feel it through to my soul. The storm would get to me. It would put me in a trance. Every storm. Every pitch-black day was exciting.

I wanted it to rain on my wedding day, and indeed it did. I wanted it to rain all through my honeymoon too, so that we could cuddle closely and feel all the power in the air from the storm. I wanted the thunder to rumble through the walls so we'd have to get closer -so we wouldn't have to be afraid. I had always pictured my honeymoon perfectly with the rain and the lightning since I never pictured anything else about my wedding or such.

This is the picture I keep in my mind: The rain would pour all over the windows and you could hear it pounding on the rooftop and on the glass threatening to break through with a houl. You could hear it through the leaves on the trees and on the streets and puddles. You could hear the wind rustling the trees, making them sway, rocking from weakness. The power would go out and the house would start to get cold. I'd find a blanket and a soft seat -probably the couch or an easy chair- all I want to do it watch every drop, hear every ping and plop, drip and drop. It's a miracle to me. What it does to my soul can't be explained. This is how much I absolutely love the rain.

Happy Moment

I sat in the balcony tonight and I don't even know why. Usually I like being closer to the orchestra but here I sit. I didn't even want to be here. I hate these things. I could be them, but I'm not. I used to make music, and I used to be good too. I could have been so many things. I'm a lot of things today but I'm not who I thought I was going to be.. if that makes sense. The theater goes dark and the concert begins. I sit alone. Because that's who I am.

All of a sudden I feel a light wind gush past the back of my head. I suddenly feel someone's arms around me, constricting, trapping me in an embrace. Tighter. My heart leaps. I feel myself smiling wide. I feel my teeth showing even! I want to make a giggle but resist the urge. I turn my head in the wrong direction. All I see are shoulders so I turn my head back around. I'm greeted warmly with a familiar face.

You sit down beside me and I can't bare to take my eyes off of you. You can't seem to peel your eyes away either so there we sit, staring.. while the concert starts. Your eyes are dark but maybe that's because we're in a dark theater. Your arms never really left me when you sat down. Quietly you raise your hand to my face to brush some loose strands back behind my ear. You start to trace the contours of my face slowly with the tip of your fingers and I'm so glad we're in the dark because I start blushing and it's so embarrassing. But you continue. Like your fingers are trying to memorize every curve. My heart races and I start to feel dizzy. I'm still staring into your eyes trying to find what you see in me. -What do you see when you see me anyway?- My hands sit idly in my lap as I start to tremble. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. You start to put your fingers through my hair softly, lightly combing your way through to the end. I can hear you give a sigh and I wish you could know how this feels to me. Incoherently I re-open my eyes to see you chuckling silently. You're enjoying the torture. Not kissing you is complete torture. My body aches to lay next to yours. All I can do now though is blissfully enjoy this moment. We have so very few. Just then you turn your head, and I hesitantly turn mine, and we sit hand in hand with fingers locked gently together as the show continues. You're shaking a little bit too, which makes me happy. I think only minutes have passed but it feels like forever. I never get over our moments like that. I hope I never will.

Recurring Dream

I keep having the same dream over and over, and it never gets better and it never gets worse. But it is worse. Because it doesn't get better and I drown in never progressing. I am such a wretch. But I have to accept who I am, because I am the person having this dream. And although I have the power to stop it, I am not strong enough. I'd dare to be strong for someone else but if I have to be strong for myself then I will fail. This is obviously not a dream; it is a nightmare. A nightmare that I long for, a danger that is truly dangerous. It is my end. It is the end. It starts and ends with fire. And I think I may have lost a friend over this dream. I know I can lose so much more to this dream and yet this dream -I look forward to this dream every night. I close my eyes and wait for its embrace. My face hits the pillow and I flip on the TV so that I can become numb before I start to dream this.. poisonous nightmare. I am so toast.

I'm in a small room on a cheap couch watching reruns of a popular show I don't usually watch. I was invited in and all I wanted was to relax.. to unwind.. to not be who I normally am which is someone with way too many responsibilities. I am so comfortable where I am that I wouldn't mind staying there forever. Oh how I want to stay there just a little longer. Just a little longer.. but the clock ticks on. I notice every second that clock ticks, because I am where I am not supposed to be. I know I'm breaking every rule. This is what people like me do. We tempt fate. Like we're supposed to disown our own fate.. like fate even exists. I don't believe in fate; I believe we are all accountable. Even me.

I am where I want to be, right there in the moment. Talking.. lots of .. talking. Then touching. Nothing intimate, just friendly. Old pals. Arms rubbing. Knuckles punching. Fingers grazing, interlacing. You're smiling -of course you're smiling. I wonder.. I've known this feeling for so long now, and for so long I've wondered if I made the right choices. I'm not making the right choice now, but it's too late for that. This is not a confession. Remember, this is part of my freakish dream. I can't even describe the longing I feel even when I'm only inches away in this dream. So much of me wants so much of what I can never have and it is so thrashingly painful, if that's even a word. I can only feebly describe this feeling as my heart shaking violently between what feels like canons bursting through me.. because what I want to do and what I can never do will never match up. Two parallels that will never cross. My time will never come. This choice can never be undone. And I keep asking for more of this pain! Why do I keep wanting this dream!?

In my dream we are two friends enjoying eachother's company. We are two friends who've known eachother for so long, and we are completely comfortable. Like home. We are two friends at home. You feel like home to me, and I want to be where you are. You are in my heart always and I love you. I love you every day. You mean more to me than water. I wish I could get inside you, and I wish I could understand you. I wish I could take your pain away and be your guide, your confidante. I wish you could love me. Or be angry with me. Or something. I wish you wouldn't feel so hollow. I wish you wouldn't turn me away. But I turn you away every day. I wish we could be those old friends in the movies. People who trusted eachother until they were wrinkly and wheezing and taking a hundred meds every morning and having to use walkers because we didn't want to stoop to power chairs. People who depended on each other. Two people who felt like home because they were where home was to them. How I feel about you in my dream isn't ever going to be fair to either of us.

I never want to stop having your dream.. our dream. My nightmare. Soon it will end and I'll be sad. But for now it is alive and dangerously passionate. If you go, please be sure to let me sleep because I am already baring this awful pain even when you're not here. But you're always here. You are gone now and I think it's all my fault. This isn't the first time I've had this dream by the way.. but then you've probably already figured that out. I had it years ago and it keeps coming back. Haunting me. Taunting me. Laughing in my face. Telling me I'm not who I think I am. Drowning me. So you see, you have quite an effect. And I am alive because of you. Please.. don't go. Don't go yet. I am desparate for you and you don't even know it. Or maybe you do and that's why you're nowhere now. Doing what's healthy. You're not having my dream. You're not as desparate as I am. I'm so sorry if you're gone for good. This is however.. just a dream.

A Place to Start Writing

Dear reader,
I want to be able to express myself without worrying what anyone else thinks. Eventually I want someone to be able to read what I write and find something useful out of it, but I don't give myself that much credit. What I want to write and what I want to read and what's in my head are all 3 very different things. Other people have more than one blog site and I thought I'd dedicate one to myself. I think I have some fascinating things to say. Or at least I have profound statements that are profound enough to me. I like to think I have interesting experiences too, so we'll what comes from me keeping a blog. Jo March loved to write, and she had fascinating stories itching to come alive. Her stories while unromantic were vivid and alluring. If I ever write anything romantic I know I'll throw it in the fire because it won't even come close to touching the truth I really feel when I'm in love. I want what I write to be that truth in my head and in my heart. If its put together well then I will be pleased. Let the games begin.