What Defines Love

Dearest Love,
I refuse to believe it's completely over.  I know I wrote a goodbye letter to you, and I know I gave it to you.. for the sake of reference, here was your reply:

I'm just not the person you have held me up to be. I am flawed. Very, very flawed. I share jokes with your sister, but not because of friendship with her, per se. Mmore because she doesn't put me on any sort of pedestal, and she doesn't have any expectations for me. I'm sorry to have ever caused you pain. I never meant to, nor wanted to. I just haven't known what to say to you, because I didn't want you to think things were going to return to the way they were. And life with my kids recently (esp the special needs) made me realize that I am done having kids, and I seriously doubt if I will ever have more. Stress even started me smoking again recently. So, you see...vert flawed. I'm sorry. Please forgive ME.

This, to me, is ABSOLUTE CRAP.  For months we spent days and nights and early mornings together and you hadn't let your pride get in the way before.  My response to this was admittedly defensive.  Because I don't want to lose you or your friendship obviously!  I did unfriend you though.  My heart was bleeding DAILY.  And I cried my eyes out nightly.  I have never felt a loss as great as this where the pain never seems to subside.  I needed to make a change.  I needed to feel less dependent.  And I know you are especially drawn to that which can stand on their own, those with strength and independence.. something I actually CAN do.  It has been SO hard.  I've heard say though that it may be hard, but it is also worth it.. whatever it is.  I am not nor will I ever be over you, my love.  But as you have done to me so many times, I have .... put you on hold.  I am not done.  And I hope you're not done either.  This is what longing and perseverance and finding someone you can get through the good AND the bad with feels like.  You'll have a choice in the upcoming months when you can see me face to face.  I know that much will happen, because I will make it happen.  I will give you time and I will give you space for now.. two things you asked for in the beginning anyway.  I only hope I'm not too late in giving them to you now.

One thing does perplex me though.  Okay, two things.  You are quite proud of your ability to keep a promise.  Trustworthy.  One promise I wish you hadn't taken back.. was that you said you were perfectly content to be my best friend during that time you would need to wait until I was available for you.  You took back that promise, and you have chosen not to be my friend anymore.  That's why I had to cut ties to you.  You weren't there anymore.  And for me to want to befriend someone who isn't there.. it's depressing.  You were disappearing.  You were not good conversation.. or rather I was not good conversation anymore.  You said you were afraid you didn't know what to say to me even though you knew things were never going to be as they were.  Why is that anyway?  What happened to you that day to make you snap?  It actually makes me angry to think you are ready to give up before you have even given us a chance.  I believe in your dream.  You laid it out to me!  It was your doing that got me thinking.  And it was your friendship that helped me to stand up for what I finally wanted, what I as a human being deserved out of my relationships.  You believed in me.  Well.. I believe in you.  I would do anything for you to prove it.  I have even tried to make myself disappear as well... hoping it's what you want.  Because I don't know what you want.  You don't want me.  That's the impression I get.  But if you MET me... if you got to know who I was without all the technology.. you would see that I am more than an online profile.  I am more than my selfy-shots.  I am more than the races I run or the events and challenges that I tackle.  I .. haha.. was talking about this just last night.  I have worked odd jobs.. jobs not everyone likes.. I take the jobs that are "lower in stature."  Kitchen/food prep.  Customer service.  I LOVED working these jobs!  I didn't make much, but they were tough jobs and I did them well.  I put my heart them.  I was always on time and excelled at every task.  Big fish in those small ponds.  I put my heart into everything I do... no matter how big or small it may be.

I put my whole heart into my relationship with you.  I loved you every day, and I still love you today.  You seem to think you're incredibly flawed.  Who's to say I'm all that un-flawed enough to not be worthy enough for you then?  Or.. how flawed would I have to be for you to be okay with me by your side were that the case?  Do you really think so piously that I am so much more perfect than you?  Who is putting someone on a pedestal now, my love?  Dearest love, would you not take someone who was also flawed, or would you not take someone so "perfect" even though I am not..?  I swear this to you now.. if we were truly lovers caught in a spat and had been confined to a single room and were forced to actually talk things out... I'm sure things would have turned out differently.  Lovers who truly love each other don't leave each other in the middle of a disagreement.  And if they cared enough about each other and had to leave in order to get some air.. they would come back to finish.  If there was truly love in your heart, you would have seen and done this.  So my love... what defines love for you?  Where is the line?  Where does infatuation and attraction end?  And where does love begin?  I care enough about you to want to hold onto you during your struggles.  I want to make those sacrifices with you, and when you are at your lowest, I want to be there so that you are not alone.. even if you believe you are.  That's what love is to me.