Possibiities

Dearest Love,
You already know I think about you every day.. or, maybe you don't. But anyway, today I've thought over some 'tough apples to swallow.' An ex-boyfriend of mine replied when I told him about us that perhaps you only found me most attractive when I was unattainable. (I needed an outsider's opinion, okay? And maybe he was the wrong one to ask, but I have no one. I.. have no one. He is a dork and deserves to be divorced. I broke up with him back in college and am still glad to this day that I was the empowered one and walked away when I did!) I immediately thought that his idea was absurd. However... it did make me think if it were a possibility his statement might have some truth. You have chosen to have almost zero contact with me now. Why is that? Is it because I'm married still? Is it because you are completely turned off by me? Can you really bring yourself never to trust me again? Did you really think I wanted to get caught? Did you think maybe our entire relationship was a lie just so that I could throw some light on my husband's eyes, to get him to wake up and acknowledge me? Do you really think I want to stay married to him?! After all we've been through, all we've talked about..? Did you think I was only taking advantage of you, and did you think all I wanted out of you was attention for the here and now? I thought you could give me more credit than that.. don't you know me? And how you have completely blown me away? Ohh.. Au contraire if you think otherwise. I fell in love! I love YOU. And now I feel abandoned. I am in an hour of need, and you don't trust me.. yet I need you. Only you. Always you. Forever you. I need you to hold my hand and tell me I'll be okay.. okay, I don't *need* that.. but I wantit. I want you to be assured about my feelings toward you. When I talk about you (to myself of course!) and when I think about you.. I know our relationship has only been talking. But I don't think about the words when I'm writing to you. I see your face. Actually.. haha.. I see the face of the man who tried to scare me off when he said that image was him at his worst. I think it was kinda funny that that picture was sent to me at 2am when I was already blurry eyed but wanted to know you were still there. And you were. Wow, we spent a lot of midnights talking together and getting closer. Oh how I long for those days! My faith does waver because I haven't heard much from you at all. I don't know what the future holds. I do know what I want. And I want you. I want to be with you. I want you to come home to me and I want to be held in your embrace at the end of each day. I want you to know there will never be anyone for me but you. I did say that my faith does waver... but not enough for me to go searching for anything or anyone else. This is why I've reverted to writing here daily. I need to be with you, and this is the only place where I know I can do that. I don't know if we'll get back to where we were. That scares me. I have never done this before. I was always the girl who never got what she wanted. I was always the one who was overlooked. I was the girl no one wanted. I feel like that girl again.

Mother's Day is this weekend. And already I'm in tears over it. Okay, it's selfish of me to think this.. because Mother's Day is about rejoicing in motherhood and being thankful for my blessings as a mother, that I have 4 beautiful children who love me and I love them. They bring light to my days and give me more happiness than I could ever conjure on my own. They make me laugh and help me to be better. They are reflections of myself. I can see that they love. I see when they are hurt. When I look at them I don't see myself ... I see fun-loving boys and I want to make sure they feel like successes, that they feel like champions.. that they can be self-reliant and feel it for themselves how much power they have, and I hope they choose to use their power for good. I hope they are able to see the needs of others. I hope that they are sensitive enough to know when others need them. I hope they speak up when they need something. My selfish part is saying the man that I love doesn't tell me he loves me anymore, so I don't know if he does or if he ever will. And the man I want out of my house would probably buy anything I asked for, do anything I wanted him to do.. and I want him to do nothing. I don't want to see him at all. He's done nothing but made me feel more alone in my own family day after day.. his neglect has left a gaping hole in my chest, and I've tried to fill it on my own. Nothing covers it quite fully.. So while I should be rejoicing in motherhood.. what I want is .. far, far, far from my grasp. I'm desperately in love and I can't do a damn thing about it.

Maybe this is why I love Mondays. Just let it be over. So I can get back to work.