Refusal to Acknowledge

Dearest Love,
Sometimes it's better to live in ignorance. Because it means I wouldn't be accountable. Since yesterday I've felt better and I've felt worse. I've felt an 'un-clicking' of sorts on my heart and yet.. I seem to be refusing the fact that there is a possibility you're over and done with me .. once and for all. What a scary thought! But.. what am I to do with you in this situation? You asked for space and I feel like I've given you plenty of space. I'll continue on this path as well.. since it seems to be what you need. I am trusting you'll let me know when you want to be friends again, because even though you said you could handle friendship right now you seem to be handling it just as well as I am.

I want you in my life for always and I feel like the only way I can do that is to abide by your wishes. I certainly don't want to make you uncomfortable. So I certainly don't want to start drilling in on all these unanswered questions because I know it will only push you farther away. You are on my mind night and day and at all times in between, as you have been since the beginning. The only updates I have to offer now are those of my thoughts and wishes and fantasies and dreams. I feel so far away. I cried again today. It's been more than 6 weeks and my heart has not even started to heal.

It's true, I'm not ending my marriage because of you. I think though that the biggest thing weighing on me is that I can't even be friends with you right now. I'm taking a chance here, and it's the best option for me anyway. If there's a chance I can have what I had before with you.. even a fraction of it!... what I'm going through right now, this daily sorrow and heaviness on my heart, missing you by the minute.. this pain beyond any other.. is worth it. You are worth everything to me. You re-arranged my universe and suddenly I could see was you. Even now.. all I can still see is you.

I dreamed today of kissing you! Kissing you is my favorite. You'd smile at me and our faces would meet, I'd see your perfect grin and your happy eyes just.. shining so brightly. I'd feel your fingertips at my face. We look at each other for what seems like hours! And your touch is so gentle. YOU are my favorite dream, and if I never dream another dream again I would almost be in heaven. Because it would be torture to not feel that for real. This has to be real. What I feel about you is real. What I want is absolutely real. And if I come out on the other side -divorced and single- and you really don't want me anymore.. I will most certainly live out my life on my own with my children and do my best to enrich their lives to my best ability. There would be no healing for my heart. And I wouldn't want to end my life.. oh no. I would want to live my life to the fullest and do the best I could. I think you were sent to me by heavenly authority, because you have forever changed my life for good and I know that even without you (which would be tragic!) I know I would still want to enjoy all that is yet to come. I can live by your side as your queen, or I can go on without you and do the best I know how.

I love you. More than ever. And I'll wait for you.