Recurring Dream

I keep having the same dream over and over, and it never gets better and it never gets worse. But it is worse. Because it doesn't get better and I drown in never progressing. I am such a wretch. But I have to accept who I am, because I am the person having this dream. And although I have the power to stop it, I am not strong enough. I'd dare to be strong for someone else but if I have to be strong for myself then I will fail. This is obviously not a dream; it is a nightmare. A nightmare that I long for, a danger that is truly dangerous. It is my end. It is the end. It starts and ends with fire. And I think I may have lost a friend over this dream. I know I can lose so much more to this dream and yet this dream -I look forward to this dream every night. I close my eyes and wait for its embrace. My face hits the pillow and I flip on the TV so that I can become numb before I start to dream this.. poisonous nightmare. I am so toast.

I'm in a small room on a cheap couch watching reruns of a popular show I don't usually watch. I was invited in and all I wanted was to relax.. to unwind.. to not be who I normally am which is someone with way too many responsibilities. I am so comfortable where I am that I wouldn't mind staying there forever. Oh how I want to stay there just a little longer. Just a little longer.. but the clock ticks on. I notice every second that clock ticks, because I am where I am not supposed to be. I know I'm breaking every rule. This is what people like me do. We tempt fate. Like we're supposed to disown our own fate.. like fate even exists. I don't believe in fate; I believe we are all accountable. Even me.

I am where I want to be, right there in the moment. Talking.. lots of .. talking. Then touching. Nothing intimate, just friendly. Old pals. Arms rubbing. Knuckles punching. Fingers grazing, interlacing. You're smiling -of course you're smiling. I wonder.. I've known this feeling for so long now, and for so long I've wondered if I made the right choices. I'm not making the right choice now, but it's too late for that. This is not a confession. Remember, this is part of my freakish dream. I can't even describe the longing I feel even when I'm only inches away in this dream. So much of me wants so much of what I can never have and it is so thrashingly painful, if that's even a word. I can only feebly describe this feeling as my heart shaking violently between what feels like canons bursting through me.. because what I want to do and what I can never do will never match up. Two parallels that will never cross. My time will never come. This choice can never be undone. And I keep asking for more of this pain! Why do I keep wanting this dream!?

In my dream we are two friends enjoying eachother's company. We are two friends who've known eachother for so long, and we are completely comfortable. Like home. We are two friends at home. You feel like home to me, and I want to be where you are. You are in my heart always and I love you. I love you every day. You mean more to me than water. I wish I could get inside you, and I wish I could understand you. I wish I could take your pain away and be your guide, your confidante. I wish you could love me. Or be angry with me. Or something. I wish you wouldn't feel so hollow. I wish you wouldn't turn me away. But I turn you away every day. I wish we could be those old friends in the movies. People who trusted eachother until they were wrinkly and wheezing and taking a hundred meds every morning and having to use walkers because we didn't want to stoop to power chairs. People who depended on each other. Two people who felt like home because they were where home was to them. How I feel about you in my dream isn't ever going to be fair to either of us.

I never want to stop having your dream.. our dream. My nightmare. Soon it will end and I'll be sad. But for now it is alive and dangerously passionate. If you go, please be sure to let me sleep because I am already baring this awful pain even when you're not here. But you're always here. You are gone now and I think it's all my fault. This isn't the first time I've had this dream by the way.. but then you've probably already figured that out. I had it years ago and it keeps coming back. Haunting me. Taunting me. Laughing in my face. Telling me I'm not who I think I am. Drowning me. So you see, you have quite an effect. And I am alive because of you. Please.. don't go. Don't go yet. I am desparate for you and you don't even know it. Or maybe you do and that's why you're nowhere now. Doing what's healthy. You're not having my dream. You're not as desparate as I am. I'm so sorry if you're gone for good. This is however.. just a dream.