never good enough

Dearest love,
At this point I'm actually quite glad I did not pour my heart out to you during those dark weeks when my eyes felt like they would never stop crying. I'm glad I went through that time and allowed myself to feel all that sorrow. Its helped us get to this new place of friendship nicely I think. I don't expect anything from you anymore. You are free to come and go as you please, as am I. I would have liked to have stayed by your side.. but I've had concrete thoughts today.. epiphanies.

I don't even know that I can say I've ever known how to love a man the way I'm supposed to, where a strong relationship.. a bond of trust is formed and both depend on one another and neither person ever walks away for anything. I look at my children. I will always forgive them. They will always be able to depend on me. The love I have for them is immovable, unshakable. I am their body guard. Their number 1 fan. How do I turn that toward a lover? Without the parental aspect of course.. my love, I dont trust myself around love. I feel broken. And I wouldn't be able to trust myself to take even the first steps toward finding that love and holding fast to it. The way I have lived until now has been in fear. I fear his grumpiness. I fear my own guilt. I fear knowing I've failed. Where I have failed once I am sure to fail again. I don't want to fail you in any way. I have already failed you and I can't ever get that back.

I'm not smart. I already knew this. I can learn, but I do not have a lot of retention for knowledge. You do! You are a walking and talking encyclopedia and almanac and bible and anthropology research center. I am not as organized. And it makes me feel so intimidated, so... inferior. Its another way I will eventually fail you again.. not out of ignorance or desire, just inferiority. I will always ALWAYS fall short somehow. You will always excel and I will always struggle to catch up.

Those are my thoughts today. I am reaffirmed.. although I know that I love you with all I know how.. I know we are not meant to be. There are so many internal and external forces against us. Why am I still fighting them...?