First Kiss

I lied to myself all day.

I wasn't going to be okay.  It would never be okay if I never saw him, ever.  I put on my brave face and told a lie.  And I hoped I wouldn't have to live by it.  I hoped it wouldn't come to that.

I'd slowly fallen in love with this man who I came to trust.. the image and personality of this man who makes me laugh every day.  We joked that although we knew each other better than anyone else, we had never officially met.  It has taken me almost a year now.  And I have fought stubbornly -with myself mostly, telling myself that it wasn't true, it couldn't be over just like that.  I believe I am strong, but I fall weakly to my knees into submission when it comes to him.  And if he was going to quit on me and clam up, he wasn't going to do it without looking me squarely in the face knowing for sure that's what he wanted.  So I put up a fight.  This was the biggest fight I've ever made, but then this man has changed my life in more ways than anyone has.  When we're together and talking, my surroundings dissolve and it's just us.  And we're laughing like we haven't any cares or responsibilities.  His impact on me has been greater than any other influence on my life for good.  I wasn't ready to say goodbye.. not without first saying an official hello.

I met him on a cloudy day in August in his hometown.  I got directions from my GPS to where the 5k was held, where he asked if I could meet him.  I didn't know he had sent a picture of the sign to where I should turn off.. because I immediately saw the truck I had seen only in pictures instead.  I was excited out of my mind!  I was pumped with adrenaline, so I zipped right into the parking space next to him.  There he was.  I saw him for the very first time.  He sat in his truck and shook his head.  I jumped as quickly as I could out of my little rental car and placed my elbows on the roof.  I beamed at him.  He got out, slammed his door, had his head down, and exclaimed "so you DO drive like a crazy person!" "what..?  No.. I don't usually.. I was just so excited!!...."  And we stood for a moment in front of each other.  I wasn't sure what I should do.. I wanted to throw my arms around him and hug him tightly.  I had so much energy and it didn't feel right having to contain it.  He held out a cold bottle of water to me and asked if we should go.  I was resolved for the moment to bridle my passions, so I said yes. And our walk began.

The dirt was very loose around my shoes and kicked up dust that sprinkled the hem on my pant legs.  I sipped my water and looked out along the horizons while trying not to trip over rocks and holes.  There were so many evergreens!  I learned later that on a clear day from this location you can see the snow capped mountains.  This was simply gorgeous.. And this kind of landscape is everywhere!  He was even willing to point out animal tracks.. hunter that he is.  There are not a million cars polluting the air with their smog or engine sounds.  There are not a million roads cutting through the land that mold nature into man's beast.  There is quiet.  And there are wanderers out doing the same thing we were doing.. not too many wanderers, but there is glory and beauty in that which remains untouched by human hands.  And I was out in it for what felt like the first time ever.  I was in love and I knew it wouldn't be easy to leave when the time came.

I didn't know what to think or how to feel.  I stopped to admire a gentle pond surrounded by tall grasses.  It was tucked away and couldn't be seen until you were up close to it.  The water was glassy.  I paused and looked over at him.  He made a comment about taking it all for granted because it's where he lives.  So it's nice to be reminded by newcomers.  We continued on our walk.  We curved with the path and followed trail markers.  There was a rustling in the wood, but I was assured we were safe.

We came to a lane that was lined with trees.  And by the end of this lane I finally gathered up enough courage to tell him, because he had been asking over and over what I was thinking.. I mustered up my bravest face and said plainly, "You want to know what I was thinking?  hmm.. I was thinking... that I wanted to take your arm.."  So.. you could say.. I came onto him first.. haha *wink*  "ah, he says.. I had wondered when we were going to have to talk about this.." (truthfully I can't be certain that's exactly what he said, but it's close..)

So now the demeanor of our walk had dramatically taken that shifty turn.  I certainly wasn't going to NOT bring it up.. I was finally together with him, alone with him.  I came all this way.  I needed to know.  Could he accept me still?  What would it take for him to trust me again?  Electricity was coursing through me at rapid speed.  We continued walking.  We exchanged more words.  I learned he was still attracted to me.  I didn't know how deep it would run until much later.  He kindly reminded me though as we continued on our way that there are obvious obstacles that wouldn't otherwise bar him from making any romantic attempts.  We refer to it as "that third mile..."  I slumped from the truth.  And we walked back to the cars.

We found a bench near the parking lot and sat across from each other.  There were so many bugs out at this hour.. they kept flying in my hair!  We decided it would be best to continue conversing in the truck.  So I sat myself down in the passenger's seat, knees up, my back against the window while he sat on the driver's side.  I still wanted to just look on him.. this was my first time laying on him, and I didn't want to waste time looking at anything else.  He kept asking what I was thinking.. I kept shaking my head, telling him I was only studying him, and was that okay.. yes, he said.  He kept talking about honor, about his previous relationships beginning the wrong way, based on physical attraction and not friendship and trust.  He didn't want to mess things up between us.  He wanted us to work.  I wasn't sure what to think.. I didn't even know if he would be okay with my visit! But there he was, and there I was, and we were now seriously contemplating picking up where we had left off.. before.. the 'dark days.'  I hadn't seen this coming.  He kept looking upward.  I really wanted to know what HE was thinking.. although he was doing a pretty good job of doing most of the talking.  I remained quiet for the most part..

Until I could no longer contain myself.  All my pent up energy and excitement.  I looked down.  He really wanted to make a move.. Yes, he was a man of honor.  But yes.. he was a man who was flawed, who could easily let his passions and desires take over.  I bit my lip.  Again.  I think I had been biting it all night.. to shreds.  And then I let it out..

"I really wanted you to kiss me..."

I could see you were contemplating heavily whether you should do this or not.  Your profile is so beautiful!! And you showed it to me more than your face front, although I'm still not sure why.  I couldn't take my eyes off you.  Your eyes were exactly how they looked in your pictures.  And I knew that's how I'd know you were that same person.  I noticed your hands and instantly wanted to examine them closer.. I wanted so badly to reach out and touch you, just once, just lightly.  I wanted to know how my confession made you think.  You tapped my knee and said "all right.." and I discovered right then what you were debating.

You took your hands in that moment and placed them tenderly on either side of my face.  And I reached over and placed my hand at your neck.  My focus then dropped onto your perfect mouth, your lips that I wanted to myself.  You leaned your head closer to mine.. and ours lips finally met.  I closed my eyes and held on..

This kiss wasn't explosive.  It wasn't fireworks.  It was the beginning of eternity.  I could feel myself exhilarating quickly.  My breath sucked in and I could feel my heart in my throat.  Your mouth on mine felt harmonious.  It felt like a first kiss all over again, and I knew it was the end of the line for me.. I knew this kissing was the only kissing I ever wanted to do from here on out.  Your mouth opened slightly, and then our tongues glided together, swirling, dancing, stroking inside our mouths freely, our lips pressed gently without any urgency.  When our faces came apart for only a small moment, you held onto my face and didn't let me go very far.. we touched foreheads, and -exasperated- I was able to whisper with a sudden ache, "I can't breathe.."  And I let out my air, impatiently waiting to be kissed again.  Our lips met once more, and I can remember our lips pressed in a perfect embrace, almost as though they were hugging.  They fit perfectly against one another.. I then moved my head over to your right ear and joked.. "haha.. you did it.. heavy breathing.. heart racing.. " and we kissed again.  This time I could sense your strong hands begin to wander around to my curves.. on my knee, up to my inner thigh, around my hips and up to my waist, over my rib cage, around to my shoulder, and back to my neck.. through my hair.. I could feel my head being softly massaged..  and then they continued to move excitedly over my body, up and down, sending shivers throughout me.  I couldn't resist.  I was so nervous now.. your hand was not between my legs, and I hesitated to go all the way down with my hand on you.. I grazed your sex with my fingers and awkwardly moved back upward to your chest, but your hand guided me back down and I was able to feel you for the first time, your excitement and passion, your desire.  I sucked in another breath and whispered to you, "Come back with me.."  You groaned, "mm.. one more night.. can you wait just one more night?"  And my heart didn't sink the way I thought it would.  I didn't feel rejected.. I felt wanted!  I felt on air.. I was dizzy and drunk from kissing, my head in a swirling fog.. I backed away for a second.. to take off my sweatshirt.  You leaned over, wanting to kiss me again.. "I have something to show you.." and my sweatshirt came over my head, my low cut blue shirt and necklace revealed to show I still wore your dime faithfully, never having taken it off even for a day.  You moved it with your long fingers to the side and kissed where it lay, like you said you would do.. only it was so much better than I ever dreamed.  The was you kissed my chest felt like you were trying to kiss my heart.  I closed my eyes and delighted in this.  I kissed you once more.. and then it was time for me to go.. until tomorrow.  I grabbed my things and opened the door..

And as soon as the door was open, there you were.  Only you weren't the sweet and tender gentleman struggling to find words, struggling against his conscience.  You came at me like a starved animal ready to satiate his hunger.  I could only feel your hands without seeing them grab at my waist as they came around to my back.  You pulled me into you, and my hands met your shoulders.  And you leaned into me again, apparently not having finished kissing me.  I welcomed the kiss, it having been so powerful and surprising that I dropped my things to the ground and gave in to your demand.  This kiss was different.  This kiss made me think beyond just kissing.  This was the kiss that melded us together and made me want you to push me up against the truck.  I really wanted your hips thrust into mine!  But you refrained.  And I wasn't disappointed!  Because.. you looked on me, and I saw you again for the first time.  I no longer saw you as just my friend or acquaintance, someone I knew and had teased and been teased by in the past.. I no longer wondered "What if?" or "Does he want me as much as I want him?"  I looked on you with fire and lust and sex and power.  This was what it felt like to really want someone.. and I mean REALLY wanted you.. ALL of you.

I reluctantly went back to my car.  I got in mine and you climbed back into yours.  We smiled and waved and drove away.  And that was the first time I was kissed -by the last person I ever want to be kissed by.. ever again.