Why I think I love this man

I remember the day he learned I was engaged. I remember the day I wrote out his invitation to my wedding. I remember seeing him at my wedding and reception. I remember liking his friendship during our time on temple hill for Temple Pageant while I was engaged. And I remember when he came back from Idaho. This is years later after my wedding plus a kid or two.. I had just mixed myself up in a terrible thing. I let my imagination and some actions run wild about another man, and I was so embarrassed. I felt so guilty toward my husband. I hadn't told anyone. But I wanted to tell... him. And I did. I was in recovery stage and shouldn't have been left alone to tell him all these things. These were desires of the flesh after all. I wanted to smother him in a romantic kiss that night but I fought the urge. I knew it was irrational, and figured he wouldn't want it anyway. He confessed he wasn't the most perfect of saints either, so we had that in common. I still remember his jaw dropping at the word "engaged." It's stuck in my mind like a thorn. Like a betrayal, or maybe I'm just being narcissistic. To me he looked wounded. I remember just how good he looked .. on the stair, after a performance ..that night when I saw him for the 2nd time. I think it was after a Messiah sing-a-long but I could be wrong. Details. It was so good to see him though, and he didn't remember my first name but then.. I didn't remember his either. I remember talking to him and feeling a strong camaraderie. When I'm near him I feel lighter, then AND now. I can feel a smile stretch across my face. My cheeks lift.. shoulders lift.. even my hair lifts (okay, maybe not). My spirits lift. His face is so.. so solid and sure and pleasant to me. The way he looks at me, there's something in his crystal blue eyes.. it makes me wonder what he sees when he's looking at me. I could stare at his handsome face all day. He smiles at me often. He even steals glances which I think is cute. He did that even before I got married. That was all before.. before we got deeper into an understanding about each other.

He has a few blogs and he loves taking pictures. He spills his guts about everything.. a trait I adore. He's a hard worker, and I've only been able to admire him from a safe distance. A very long, difficult, and aching distance. He's had a few girlfriends and for numerous lengths of time, some on and off and back on and then back off.. some just on and then off only once. I know he wants intimacy.. to.. "test-drive before he buys." He doesn't want purity. Well I am definitely not pure. He loves hiking and being out in nature. He loves taking road trips. He's sincere and loyal and strong and yet.. fragile .. very, extremely fragile. He has a hole in his heart that will never heal.. but over time he's learned to live with it knowing it's always going to be a part of him. He's an A's fan! He's not a sporty guy, but he gets urges to exercise. He's a used-to-be swimmer. He enjoys bike-rides. He is a physical and occupational therapist. He works with children and I love his job. I love and respect what he does a lot actually.. more than well.. nevermind. He plays basketball in a wheelchair, not that I've ever been to a game. Because of his picture taking I feel like I've been through his journeys with him. Maybe I AM deluding myself..

Lately the tables have turned. Hard. Eight months ago.. last July I think.. the shit.. hitteth.. the fan. I met him after a meeting and he invited me in so he could borrow a book. I watched tv with him not really knowing he was going to pull some slick moves. I honestly .. honestly didn't know what was going to happen. But it did.. and things haven't been the same. I have become a sex object, and so deliciously has he. And where I have been with him through his pictures on all his journeys he sadly can't say the same.

****Later this same day****
I had to come back to my writing because of my piano students.. my apologies.

So, that night we just had.. that wonderful evening when our fingers had all the sex and we did not.. I told him I loved him and I firmly still believe this to be true. I know now the cause. I kept thinking to myself that I'm in this, I'm invested. But why? He said maybe that I'm just in love with the idea, that I don't know the 'other sides' of him. Do I really need to? But I do know him. I know him because of all his stupid blogging, because I know his good sides when he's around me, because he likes my good side and when I'm around he'll share my company. But I mean..we've already had a disagreement (via email albeit) but it was only because well.. the whole rendez-vous thing was a bit confusing and there was some blame where it should not have been laid.

I'm in love with the boy in the blog. I'm in love with the boy who loves taking pictures, who loves being with his friends, who loves hiking and nature, who does what he wants and goes where he wants and writes what he wants and then shares -through writing- about all he's done. He has pictures to prove it. This is the boy I want to spend a lifetime with. I travel his journeys with him because I read what comes from his mind daily. He is in my thoughts ALL... THE... TIME, because I want him there. And I get him there.. through his blogs. They are, after all, a free-for-all.. open to the author-approved public. I invested my time in him where he did not invest his time in me. I sought him out and I got a part of him to myself. He however did not do the same so obviously he's not going to feel the same way. Obviously. And why should he.. not like I'm available or anything. But that is my ephiphany. They say good writing and good essays -and good speeches for that matter- solve something. There is an introduction/presentation, a problem, a solution.. and if you're lucky there's a resolution.

I want to be with this man. I wish I could have this man to myself, to be selfish with him and make him want me just as badly. I wish we could be together for always. This is probably the worst way to love someone. I read him like I read a book (through his blogs), and I know him like I know my neighbor (neighborly, friendly, but not deeply through conversation.. or lots of conversation anyway.. like on a daily best-friend basis), but I've seen into his mind through his writing and I've put the two together so that I experience the entire package. My heart aches to be close to him. This.. piece of writing.. does not have a present solution. But at least now I know.